Deb's Stuff

Thank you so much, Molly!

oops

Found some of my old shit, so I'm gonna post it...

Like the quickly turning pages
Of a very good book
Cruelly do joy and security pass
I have somehow lost
More than I’ve loved
I have seen
Already way more than I cared to
Returns that panicky sense of uselessness
As familiar to me as a favorite pair of jeans
I wear just as readily
What’s happened to us all?
When did we start caring?
When did we stop living?
Why doesn’t it make sense to me?
What is it that I’m missing?

(1990 something)

Never Say Die 10/92

There lies a wealth of knowledge
Within this realm, my friend;
And Time is of the essence
As we approach this end.
We are changing
As sure as the sun will rise;
But most of all, remember
That nothing ever dies

Your eyes
Remind me of how
Empty my life has been
They mirror my thoughts
And somehow, I am not afraid
I can touch you
Without reaching out
I can feel you with every breath
You know me
And I know you
Not one word needs to be passed
Our souls have touched;
In spirit, we are one.

(1990-something)

He suffers in silence
The pain in his heart
Does not show
In his hard, cold eyes
His reckless existence
Does not reveal
The torture of his past
He cannot feel emotion
Only bitterness
But underneath
He is in eternal suffering
He longs
Like no other man
He needs
In eternal desperation
And she is so young
And fresh
And beautiful
His heart aches
He wants to love her
But he has never learned how
To love
Only to hate
So he will suffer the rest of his days
In emotional turmoil
Until someone
Knocks down
The wall
He has spent all his life
Building up
And he will be left
Naked
And vulnerable
A little boy
Once again
And he will break
Under the stress
And all that will be left
Will be the pieces of a man
Who could have been
Her’s
To love
Had she not found him
Too late

(1988 I believe)

Ashes, Ashes (1/18/91)

Come take my hand
And join the Circle
Build a wall
Around it all
Just as what goes around
Comes back around
Ashes to ashes
We all fall down
Boy sitting next to me
Clad in navy green
His eyes say it all
Wonder when it’ll be?
The world spins faster
Pinning me to the ground
Then, ashes to ashes
We all fall down
Where will you be
When it all blows?
Will you be watching
As it all goes?
What will we become
Does anyone know?
Ashes to ashes
And let the blood flow

Grandpa…

Too intimate a term for a man I hardly knew
I admit I felt nothing when I heard the news.
So what legacy did you leave behind?
Surely not the will from which Mom and I were excluded.
Nor the identical, meaningless gifts you sent
To my cousins and I every year.
Were you even there the night your grandson died?
I don’t remember seeing you
But then again, I never do
I wonder what you did to reassure yourself
Those last few moments on your bathroom floor.
Were you consoled with the recognition that your children would see
Your corpse?
Were your kidneys leaving the only empty space inside you?
Did your heart stop only in death
Or long ago?
I have found compassion for every scum of the earth,
But I cannot find any for the man who turned his back on all of us.
I wonder what I’ll say to you
When they force me to stare into your dead eyes.
But then, what did I say all those other times?

(1987?)

Education.
What does that entail?
And upon whose path
Are we to trail?
Are we expected to learn
What we’re expected to do
And only from those high
On the list of “Who’s Who?”
Will we grow to heights
Simply “moral” and “good”
The way that we’re trained
To do what we should?
Is College reality
And whose reality?
Perhaps it is – only in
The matter of legality.
Chalk it up to experience
But how does that weigh
Up to the demands
Of the everyday?
When you live in a world
Where it’s easier to be green
Why be concerned
With what anything else means?

(late 80’s early 90’s)

So the years roll on by
And the tears subside
You’ve got nothing left inside
But at least you’re alive
So you say goodbye to
The broken dreams
And how nothing turns out
To be what it seems
And who knows
What happiness means?
Just look at where you’ve been
And you’ve got to smile.
Like a picture upon a screen
You watch your life flash on by
Sometimes you have to laugh
Sometimes you can’t help but cry
Things that you’ve loved
And things that you’ve lost
Things you’ve gotten for free
And things with too high a cost
Moments of highs
And blithering lows
And where you wind up at the end
Nobody knows

(late 80's)

And as my vision grows dimmer
And my strength begins to fade
I feel a tremor
As the priest starts to pray
I beg forgiveness
For the things I’ve done wrong
Then the trembling recognition
That I’ve waited too long
And all around me
The world grows dark and cold
Then suddenly a white light
Upon a vision in gold

(0ld as shit – late 80’s)

We’ve Only Just Begun (1988 again?)

As the days roll on
And the months fly by
I feel you letting go
Inside
We used to laugh
We used to cry
But now we simply
Pass the time
We hardly ever
Talk at all
And we make love
With no urgency at all
How can it be gone
When we’ve only just begun
To share our lives
Our loves
Our souls
How can we bring it all
Back again
When I look into your eyes
The world still closes in
When you’re in my arms
I can feel you grow weary
You used to tell me
I was all you needed; everything
Yet nothing now
You hardly even notice
When I’m around
What’s the point of love
If it can’t keep you in
What’s the point holding on
If it’s just going to end?
And what’s the use in trying
To forget things you’ve done
You won’t get them back again
Once goodbyes have begun

The wide-eyed child
Looks upon her world
In wonder
The woman
Looks upon her world
With scorn
Pain and bitterness
Collide with joy and hope
For the child will not win
It is weak; too weak
To break though the chains that bind her
She longs to love
But she cannot risk the pain
She has seen too much to let herself
Still somewhere inside of her
Is that desperate need
That ties her to
Her endless search for fulfillment
She will be searching for all of her days.

(1987?)

Why...
The question of the aftermath.
Blasted question!
What good is asking why
Once the damage has already been done?
How would be a better question.
How is ten steps away from
Repeating the same mistake again.
If one would only analyze How
Before they take that first step in
They would never even make it to Why

-April 14, 1989

The Hunter and the Deer
(this shit is mad old – I think from the early 80’s)

I am the deer, so docile am I
That I can freeze like a stone without blinking an eye
You are the hunter, so frigid are you
That your shots are your life, and mine is your stew
I don’t see you coming – the sun is too bright
But I hear the leaves rustling and I take to flight
I am too late – you fire a shot
Which pierces my backbone, and laugh you do not
I wince at the pain – I can’t make it home
My family will be all alone!
But you don’t give up – you want me to die
So you shoot me twice again; I’m starting to cry
This shot did not miss; my legs will not hold
And as I collapse, I try to be bold
I know I must die – there’s no other choice
I pray that dear God will please hear my voice
I pray that someday, at nature’s revival
These men cannot stop my family’s survival
Oh please save my children from this horrible death
I’m praying, you know…on my…last…ounce…of…breath
I can feel it now – I’m slipping away
Please answer my prayer, God, work on it today
I cannot…breathe…my body…is alive…
My family…I must…be with them…I…
Mu-ust…not…d-d-die…

This was the footnote...

...And so is the fate of an animal – so innocent – yet that man loves to kill (that bloodthirsty creature!) For him it’s never.

What sorrowless acts
Of bitter greed
Plague our Planet Earth!
What suffering we
Perpetuate
What goals of little worth
When did we
Succeed Mother Nature?
By what means
Do we feel we came
Upon such a high stature?
And whom – are we sure?
Is guiding us
Along this grandiose path?
What “God” to receive us
When we’ve reached the aftermath?
Can we not see the bloody tears
Of our very own dying?
Can we not hear the sound
Of our own children crying?
Whom will we hold responsible
When this all has gone to waste?
Better look back to ourselves
For the end of our own human race

(Um, I’m gonna say early 80’s again)

My love is a flame
Burning, scorching as it rises
I can feel it burn inside of me
Tearing my guts, polluting my brain
A living hell
And I am trapped
Alone in my darkness
My dusty memories
In a stranger’s hand
For once the child has died
Loneliness becomes your only friend
That is when the dream
Comes to an end
Your face in my mind
Tortures me
As I toss and turn
In the deep, dark night
I’ve got to have you by my side
Only you can take away these fears
These fears of my own self
My soul that must be sold
Only you can save me now
So afraid to love
Won’t you touch me?
Won’t you take me?
For I am a robot at your command
Now I reach out a hand
To touch the girl I hardly know
But have always called my friend
And I spit in her eye
So long, my friend, so long
Nothing stays the same
And I cannot reach you now
The time has come
I can no longer pretend
For ever since I met you
I’ve had tears in my eyes

(Hmmm early 80’s again)

If I perceive you to be a messenger
And see how well we both played our parts
Understand the crucial purpose we’ve both served
In one another’s lives
I suppose then I can make some sense
Out of how something can
Dissolve into nothing
By just a few careless words or actions
But I can’t make any sense out of
All your deception.
I can’t make any sense out of
My own selfishness.
I can’t see the logic behind
My helping to create that wall of stone
Between us.
I don’t understand why I can’t touch you
I don’t understand why we’re not friends
Never mind why we’re not lovers.

(I’m gonna go with 1988 )

i like your poems. you are very talented