The Confessions Thread

I'm too stubborn for my own good. I know what's best for everyone in this situation, but I'm too stubborn to do it because I'm scared of hurting someones feelings. Our three year anniversary is coming up in less than a month. Three years. I feel like there must be SOMETHING salvageable if we've been together that long. But at the same time, we've been fighting so much lately and neither of us seem happy. But, for whatever reason, you won't go. You won't leave me. The only way this will end if if I'm the one cutting the rope once and for all. But I know what'll happen if I do. Either I'll finally grow enough balls to tell you this, and I'll regret it two days later and beg for you back. Or I'll do it, we'll sever ties, and I'll see you happy in a few years and be jealous and try to get you back. It's a no win really. It really is best for you if I go. But I can't. I'm not brave enough. I obviously still love and care for you. My actions show it. Maybe I just don't know how to love enough. Or maybe I just forgot. All I know is right now things aren't right. And I'm not right. I don't know how to make it right. But I know this, right now, isn't the way to make it right. At the same time though, I don't want to see anyone else take care of you. I don't want to see someone else happy with you. That's my job. Too bad I'll never tell you this. I'll keep it to myself and we'll get married and I'll go about my life. Why can't I just be the kind to be able to say how I'm feeling? I used to be. What happened to me? When did I get so soft?

I know it's never going to happen. I know he's just a figment of my imagination based on a real man. And I know it's weird and wrong to even imagine him as a person in my life.

but sometimes it's just so easy to slip into that fantasy in my head and pretend it's real and it just makes me feel so much better.

I'm mentally deteriorating. And the one thing I need to do to prevent it is the one thing im too stubborn to do. Fuck.

I tried fixing all the bad things about myself, that didn't work.
I tried being like you by liking the same things you do so we can have things in common, that didn't work.
I tried to just stop being so angry. That didn't work.
I tried to just stop being sad. That didn't work.
I tried ending things so I could better myself. It backfired and I regret it. It didn't work.
I don't know what to do, I'm defeated. I'm lost. I can't seem to accomplish anything when it comes to fixing myself. Oh well, I'll just deal. I'm sure I'll be fine...

I really don't want to go babysit.
I love my niece and my nephew.
and I love my sister and my brother-in-law

but doing this shit for free isn't worth it. I know my dad gave me some money, but that's my dad. Not the person who needed me to babysit. And he gave it to me because he couldn't stay. But the person who needs the babysitter? She'll come back when she's ready, thank me, and then that's it. Then she'll ask me to come back later when she needs a night out.
I hate that my mini-vacation weekend got ruined by this, and i hate saying that because I can't hate that my new nephew was born.
but I just hate this whole thing and now I have to go back

I had a great orgasm last night. I needed it.

They say some people are meant to fall in love, but not meant to be together. I can now say with complete accuracy that I believe that. Honestly, I'd go up and kiss you if I didn't have a conscience. Fuck.

It's honestly time I bite the bullet and talk about how I'm feeling. I'm 21, too old to be trying to hide away from my feelings. It's nice to have INO, I'd be lost without it. It's nice to have somewhere to talk about my feelings without fear of someone else I know personally reading them. However, I get too comfortable typing out feelings on here and not verbalizing them. I'm tried of holding it all in, especially to the people I love. I feel like I can't talk to them, mainly because I don't wanna hurt them and end up regretting my choices. Which happens frequently. I can't be afraid to hurt people. That doesn't mean I should be a bitch, but it also means I can't shy away from expressing my feelings because of it. And what I'm feeling is I think I need to be single for a bit and work on myself. There's too much going on. I don't know how to handle things, or myself. And that'd be easy to say if I weren't engaged and our 3 year anniversary weren't around the corner. I know those things can't stop me, but I know I'll regret it and take it back. I don't like knowingly hurting people. It makes me feel very terrible. Making people I love sad isn't exactly something I aim for. I know what's best. I don't like that it's best, but it is. I can't really change it. Some people aren't meant to last forever. I can't say whether or not we're one of those couples, but I can guarantee if I don't express these feelings it will backfire. I'll blow up and really hurt everyone in my path. I don't want this, it's the very last thing I want. But life isn't about what we want. The bright light of love has just vanished. I can't explain it, maybe it's psychological or whatever. And I can't force things or force myself to accept things the way they currently are. It's literally killing me. I still love beyond measure, which is why this must be let go. For now. Oh, what I'd do just to be able to see the future. I've never liked doing things for myself, I viewed myself as selfish. But now, it's not a selfishness issue. It's a keeping myself okay issue. Whether or not I like it, it has to be this way for now. I have to grow some balls and do it. Enough fucking around. It's not helping anyone. My mental state has been wasting away for some time, and this is accelerating it. I just hope you don't go on about how you think this is all your fault. That will make this whole thing crash and burn. Like it did before. Please just try and understand.

It's time like these when I wish I had a boyfriend, I miss dating, I miss the small things

I'm so in love with him......
I'm so afraid to tell him
I'm afraid it won't work out, and that I got my hopes up again.
I want to give him a chance, but how can I when I know how impossible it is....
I know I'm hurting him by not saying anything
But he's hurting me too with the feeling that this might be impossible, no matter what I do...
Please dont leave me....

It's really frustrating when the job you have requires regular business for you to be at work. I haven't been to work in two days because we have such slow business. I really don't mind the job itself, it's got some bullshit, but it's not the worst place I've ever been, I'm just tired of missing so many days because of slow business. We're only open four days a week anyway. The only full timers he has are himself and S, and S have been very vocal about her search for another job. And the boss has been kinda vocal about thoughts of shutting the place down. It's scary to work there. I've been looking for full time options, because my second job isn't exactly paying bills either. The only place I can find is a jewelry store in the mall. I have zero experience with that, but I hope they consider me. It's not my dream job, but full time would be lovely. I just hope I find something soon.

I know I have friends here. But sometimes I feel like everyone's just humoring me since I keep showing up

and then there's days where I understand him. I get it. I feel the same way he does. I act the same way he does.
I'm so appreciative that he released stomachaches. Because i always figured he felt the same way, inside, that i do. But this just confirmed it.

and then there's days i can't help feeling like, maybe, we were meant to be real friends. Maybe everything happening in my life, with the internship and the dreams and all, maybe, in the end, he's meant to be in my life, for real. And I think if i got to know him better, i would like that.
I feel as i did when Kayla and I first met. Thus I traveled so far for him. And I dealt with being one of hte only fucking people at those shows who DIDN'T kept saying "ohmigod. frankiefrommcr. let's ask about MCR. let's ask about freard! OH MY GODDD" and i was very clear with him that I didn't care about what he did before. That this is too important and that he is a new person.
I think that's when he got teared up. I think.I was reallll nervous and I was barely looking at him.
But. I really would like to think, that maybe this is all happening for a reason. Because I would love to work with him, in the future. And maybe, if he ends up as great as he's playing off, I could acctually be a small part of his life, along with the rest of his friends.
and that brings me peace.