| Author | Message |
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brother nero;
Always Born a Crime
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 6778 | November 4th, 2015 at 01:07pm
To all the people I've talked to on INO, even the ones who haven't been on here in years;
I know I'm not on here very often anymore, but I'll always really appreciate you guys. It was great being able to talk to people on here during high school when I really didn't have many friends at all, that definetely helped get me through some stuff. It'd still be awesome to meet some of you one day as well.
I didn't come on here for a few years, I had things going on for a few months and then I lost my password for ages which sucks 'cause it meant that I lost touch with quite a few people.
Now I guess everyone grows up and changes to an extent, but you guys are still the best, thanks. 
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cricket.
Patron Saint of Switchblade Fights
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 69728 | January 14th, 2016 at 09:36pm
dear beer snobs-
you guys are the worst.
now fuck off and let me drink my lambic in peace.
L
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wednesday.
In the Cannibal Glow
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 53026 | February 13th, 2016 at 09:27am j,
when i miss you, i simply just think about how bad you treated me. and then i miss you less. you can't possibly say that you care for someone, and then turn around and block them and act as if they don't exist. why would you do that to someone? especially someone that's currently battling depression and anxiety. you never cared for me. and i realize that now. you were just pretending. you called me a liar, but really you were the one that was lying. i was on a work trip this past week and a woman told me "never let someone ruin your life for more than 15 minutes." so good riddance.
- mandy |
wednesday.
In the Cannibal Glow
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 53026 | May 10th, 2016 at 04:53pm s,
i'm not going to say that you made a mistake last night, because i don't think highly of myself at all and i'm not a great catch by any means. but literally every single thing you said on the phone last night for the hour and a half that we talked didn't even make sense at all. you kept contradicting yourself and then saying you liked me but turning around and saying that we wouldn't work out without ever even giving me a chance first. i cried myself to sleep last night, thinking that it was something i had done wrong somewhere in our past. but then i woke up this morning and i thought about how you mentioned that you had issues that you needed to get over. and i honestly believe your issues include commitment with girls where that relationship might turn into a bit more. i explained everything to my therapist today, and he's been saying for a month now that you likely have commitment issues. i just hate that i wasted 8 years of my life on someone that can't even decide whether he likes me or not.
- mandy |
brother nero;
Always Born a Crime
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 6778 | June 4th, 2016 at 05:56pm I'm so fucking sorry. I didn't listen to you, I didn't take everything you've been through into account, and now I'm paying for it. I didn't need to start an argument at one in the morning within earshot of your friend, but I thought I'd get a quick answer, and I was so confused. You'd ignored me for hours, then you wanted everything and I just wanted to know what it meant to you. I thought you'd reply and we could move on from there and do whatever you wanted, I should've shut up when you didn't want to talk. But I was half in love with you, half mad at you although I've no idea why cause I had no right to be, I guess cause it seemed like I couldn't do anything right, and partly really wanted just to go back to being mates. I just said everything, I wasn't thinking, and I ruined everything. This is all my fault, and I wish I could take it all back. Why the fuck couldn't I have been tactful for once in my life?
Although I don't know what we could have done, I had to go, you wanted me to go, I was miserable, and I just couldn't get anything right. Maybe it was just bad timing having your friend round when we did cause it meant we couldn't talk. I felt like if we didn't have a relationship I'd loose you, now I've lost you anyway.
Seriously, when you were happy it was the best thing ever. Maybe we went too fast and too far with the sex and the drugs and everything else, I just thought we'd sort it all out, and that's what I was trying to do. Could you not forgive me for that? I forgave you for everything you did that upset me, did I really take it too far by calling you selfish or whatever? I know it was me being selfish, but look where it got me. I've lost my best friend in the entire world, and I just wish we could be happy again.
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cricket.
Patron Saint of Switchblade Fights
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 69728 | June 5th, 2016 at 11:03pm
k-
please please please please please be ok. I'm worried about you like crazy.
love,
L
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brother nero;
Always Born a Crime
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 6778 | June 6th, 2016 at 06:52pm to myself,
Having sent a briefer and less willdy emotional version of that post of mine from the 4th to the person in question, that would seem to be that. You've done everything you can do.
Now you've lost them and you're getting blamed for their mental health, which may be deserved / understandable, but don't forget that you did go out of your way to do whatever they wanted. You never intended to upset them, and you weren't to know that things said during one argument that seemed reasonable at the time would devastate them. You've apologised, and that's all you can do.
Yeah it'll suck for a bit while autocorrect on your phone changes everything to their name and slang they used, but it'll work out okay. Wish them the best, and hope they're okay soon, but remember you don't need to feel guilty for doing the best you could do. Although it makes sense to wish that you'd done better, and to feel sorry, the guilt isn't necessary. They made you feel like shit too, remember? Some relationships just don't work, and that was one of them.
You'll both be okay eventually, it's not entirely impossible that you could end up friends again. But that choice is up to them, you've said your piece, now leave them the fuck alone.
Basically loosing someone will always suck for a while, and there's always more fish in the sea. Chin up, kid.
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cricket.
Patron Saint of Switchblade Fights
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 69728 | June 7th, 2016 at 10:16pm
dear god-
I know he doesn't believe in you, but if it's not too late please watch over him.
L
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cricket.
Patron Saint of Switchblade Fights
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 69728 | June 11th, 2016 at 10:47pm
k-
I've wrote out this fucking letter you'll never see on this website you don't even know exists, but what's the point. there's nothing I can say about heroin addiction that hasn't been said already to the point of cliche.
so even tho it's cliche, I love you. I miss you. I want you to come back and I want this fucking hideous addiction to go away. but I also know it's not that easy. I wanna be like we used to, and I wanna be there every time you feel like shooting up so I can rip the needle right outta your hand before you get a chance.
I wish you could trade your addiction for something better. I wish that every time you felt like shooting up, you could call me and we'd get some ice cream and everything would just be ok. I wish it worked like that. but all the wishing in the world won't help someone who can't find it in themselves to quit.
I hope you find it in yourself to keep on living and overcome the addiction. even if I won't be a part of your life anymore, I wouldn't wanna live on a planet without you.
it wouldn't be the same.
I love you,
L
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wednesday.
In the Cannibal Glow
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 53026 | July 6th, 2016 at 06:00pm b,
please just give up on me. i have told you twice now that i do not share the same feelings towards you that you have for me. and i'm trying so hard to remain nice about all of this and still hang out with you in a group setting. but your text messages make me cringe and you cause my anxiety to get so bad sometimes. i'm trying so hard to be happy right now and to move on with certain parts of my life. and sometimes i feel like you weigh me down because you are trying to force me to feel the same way about you, and that will never happen.
- mandy |
brother nero;
Always Born a Crime
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 6778 | July 10th, 2016 at 05:24pm n,
i know you mean really well but you're showing me up massively here. i'm not doing great, but admitting that to you will do nothing except potentially cause me embarrassment. you're showing a lot of empathy towards me, and that's kind, but why? i'm kinda an asshole if i think someone feels sorry for me, that just pisses me off. i just see it as them saying "aw, look how pathetic you are." plus rn i feel pretty pathetic, so don't please don't contribute to it.  also, why do you remotely care how I feel? you've only met me once. for all you know i'm the devil incarnate.
you're not letting either of us move on. j's probably avoided giving you the whole story, so it's hardly like you have any idea of what went on and why we don't talk, but still.
you're related to j, you need to look out for her. all you do is remind me of her when i'm trying to move on. i hope j has an amazing life, and gets whatever the fuck it is she wants this week, but i can't be a part of it. because she doesn't want me to be. and we're not going to be friends. i know we were really happy when we spent time together, and it's kind that you want that for both of us, but by trying to get us back on the same page you're pissing her off and upsetting me. so i really do wish you all the best but please leave me alone.
still, it's not like i'm gonna tell you that. hopefully you'll realise, but i'd bet you probably won't. what a life, eh.
yours self-pityingly,
i.
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brother nero;
Always Born a Crime
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 6778 | September 3rd, 2016 at 04:24pm dear you,
you were asking for way more than i could give if i wasn't in a relationship with you. doesn't mean that i didn't genuinely want to be friends if you didn't want a relationship. definitely loved you, still miss you sometimes, seemingly constantly confused by you, actually heartbroken but finally getting over you and remembering how so many things weren't great anyway.
dear self,
stop complaining and start doing. be grateful for what you've got and work towards what you don't have.
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beaker;
Ghostbuster Famous
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 71107 | September 10th, 2016 at 11:36am J
I wish I knew what happened. I wish I could fix it, but I think you're probably better off without me. I've become a worse person since we've stopped talking consistently, but I don't want to put that on you. I wish I was worth keeping in your life, but clearly I only fit there if I force myself in. I don't know if I should keep trying, or just cut myself out completely. I think I'm just too terrified of going back to who I was before we met. |
brother nero;
Always Born a Crime
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 6778 | September 10th, 2016 at 03:32pm K,
Today went pretty well. Which I should be pleased about, it's just that it's a massive change from when I was with you.
Regardless of everything, you were amazing. I'm terrified that I can't replace you. I keep telling myself that it'll all be okay with time, but you were so much to me.
I'm not gonna tell you, I think I'm just overemotional right now.
But I miss you so fucking much.
- I
-I was going to edit this, but now you've messaged me. Just when I was thinking I'd managed a month without you. Do your friends send these messages or what?
And now you've messaged me again.
If you had any idea how I felt that would be cool, it'd be nice to know how you felt as well but I can't try a serious conversation with you. Not today at least. I hope you're good though.
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cricket.
Patron Saint of Switchblade Fights
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 69728 | September 25th, 2016 at 08:14pm
k-
I love you so much and I am so so so proud of you. a few months ago I thought you'd be dead by now. but you are doing so well. I'm so happy for you and you make me so happy. fucking NOTHING makes me happy quite like you. not even booze. not even weed. fucking nothing. whenever your name lights up my phone I just gotta smile, and I love staying up until 4am having stupid conversations. I love that we try to write songs together. I even love doing nothing if I'm doing it with you. I've never felt this way about anyone before, especially after knowing them as long as I've known you.
I love you and I hope we are stuck together forever.
l
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brother nero;
Always Born a Crime
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 6778 | October 5th, 2016 at 10:09am Dear you,
Don't ever think I didn't care about you. I loved you. I hated that we were done. But we are done.
There was a point where I wanted us to be together, or at least to be friends, but you don't want that, so this is for you as much as it is for me. Right now there's no point in us wasting any more time on each other.
You had a choice, and multiple chances, and this is what you chose. And whenever I miss you that's what I need to remember.
We weren't great friends before either. We fell out for most of school, and definitely weren't close afterwards.
Plus now you're not my friend. You said so anyway, so I don't even need to question that. I want to move on. I did think we were good for each other, and that we could've been a lot more. I guess you didn't agree, 'cause it didn't work out. And it didn't work out for a reason. You did do a lot for me, so thank you, but for every good memory of you I've got a bad one, so I'm not gonna act like we were ever something we weren't.
Also, how did you have the nerve to accuse me of starting drama every time I'd try to work on or just fucking ask you to clarify our relationship- which I did because I wanted it to work out for both of us - when you would self harm, cry, ignore me, or blame me the minute you didn't like anything I said? Every time something went wrong I'd be the one who ended up apologising, even when it was obviously you who'd caused the problem. You only ever said sorry that time you wanted to avoid a question, and then used that to guilt trip me for days for apparently not accepting your apology quickly enough.
I can do better. With you I was just stuck in a negative cycle, where you kept saying you didn't care and weren't honest with me but wouldn't go. So I had to. For all I always cared about you, you were wildly unpredictable, either because you were unstable or really selfish and manipulative. Seriously, your messages over the last few months were unbelievable. If you think I'm overreacting, it's because it will have been easier for you. I couldn't rely on you, but you knew I'd always try for you. Who does that put pressure on? It seemed like how you felt about me was constantly changing, and it was driving me crazy trying to keep up with it. Still, I know I wasn't perfect, and I hope you're okay.
N,
There's no reason for me to, but I do feel guilty about blocking you. You were nothing but nice to me and supportive, and I've got no reason to believe that you weren't always like that about me. But you've got to understand that it would have made life really awkward if I didn't. Thank you for recognising that I cared about her though. Although I shouldn't really be concerned, I really hope you don't hate me. |
wondering
Killjoy
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 18 | December 1st, 2016 at 11:56pm INO,
I learned about this site in the most unfortunate circumstances, but now I feel like its the only place where I am free to speak about whatever I need to. 2016 has been the worst year of my life, and I've fallen to old habits. Habits I'd rather not be doing, habits I'd rather forget, feelings I'd rather forget too. Many times over the last two years I've felt like I needed an outlet to speak and came here to type up a long post, only to delete it.
This time, I am not deleting it. I've fallen to that low a point now that I'm just not sure anymore. For the last 8 or so months, I've been unable to form a thought about my state without nearing a break down or just feeling like I can't say anything correctly. It still isn't easy now, but I don't think things will ever be more clear than they are now.
As I approach the two year mark since last saying anything, I look back upon all I said and how angry I was. I can understand it, and don't blame myself for feeling that way, but now I can feel only sadness over all that happened. I managed to keep to some of what I requested of my future self, but failed in other parts. The past can't be erased though, so that's inevitable.
Now, I feel just such an empty hole about all of it. The pain of the past opened a hole, and the pain of this year has only turned it into a completely differing, much larger hole of pain. It becomes hard to not think on memories when you wish the last year didn't happen. The mind wanders, and it goes places you never intended on thinking about.
Hopefully I'll never return here, because that means I'll have finally found a better outlet. Or maybe it means I never fall this low again. Either way, I hope this outlet will be here to give me something to pick myself up.
K,
How are you doing? College go well? How's the post-grad world? Do you still cosplay? And most important of all, are you happy? Even after all that happened, all the anger I had, that was always the only thing I wanted for you. Hopefully 2016 has treated you better than it has me. But I'll never know, will I? |
brother nero;
Always Born a Crime
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 6778 | December 21st, 2016 at 05:59pm I know 'I cut off all contact with you because I was in love with you' is a terrible defense, but it's the truth. I couldn't cope having anything to do with you if that wasn't mutual anymore, it wouldn't have been fair on either of us. I was devastated afterwards, you were special to me. You are still on my mind, I'm not sure if that's healthy or not, but it's the case right now. I was incredibly immature at times during the weeks we were close, and I regret that although I was doing my best at the time.I felt like you were unpredictable afterwards, you always said you didn't care but you got in touch quite a lot, and I didn't know what to do. See the beginning of this, I guess.
I am sorry for anything I ever did that hurt you, I never meant to. Although idk if you'd ever say that, now i think about it, which mightve summed our whole dynamic up. Idk. I never said anything before I blocked you because I felt like it'd cause a fight. You'd said you didn't care whenever I'd tried to have a conversation with you, I honestly don't feel like that was gonna change. Also, I did try to put you first and be polite whenever we had any contact and I don't feel like that was mutual, for whatever reason. So maybe me going was just the right thing to do, and if you really didn't care then it shouldn't phase you. You said you just need to get to university and won't focus on anything else, and I had to do the same. We've both got our future to think of. Please don't hate me for blocking you 'cause I wanted to do the same thing.
Part of me still misses you. I can cope without you, but I think there's still gonna be a bit longer where I feel that life would be better with you. I think everything that happened before was kinda wrong place wrong time, but I did love you. Whether that's in a romantic way or a platonic way I just don't know. I didn't realize that it was possible to care that much for someone and just be friends, I'm still not sure if it is. Anyway, part of me still wants you around. I don't want anything from you, I just want to hang out and talk shit like we used to. You were my best mate. I wasn't persistant as hell because I didn't want to make things worse or be creepy. I wanted to respect your decisions, so when you tell me you don't care I've got to go with that. Maybe I should've made it a bit clearer that I did care about you, but I think you knew that, and you had plenty of time to start a conversation yourself.
I know you never wanted us to be together, honestly I don't know if deep down I really did either. Then again, part of me really did. It was a confusing time. We've both got reasons, to be pissed off at each other. I suppose when you know someone for five years and you get that close to them losing them's gonna feel strange. There's that saying that the people who are meant to be in your life always end up in it, and I hope so. Whether that is or was you, or not.
I
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sad savior;
Wild Eyed Joker
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Posts: 86309 | December 26th, 2016 at 11:03pm He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-On-A-Public-Forum,
I'm in love with you. I had this whole long thing written but I deleted in case I ever decide to use it for something.
But all you need to know is that I'm madly in love with you.
H |
vacant alleyWAYS
Salute You in Your Grave
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 2991 | January 13th, 2017 at 03:24pm (messages unsent)
Sk,
I was so angry last night re-reading the last real message you wrote me. How could you say such things when you know how fragile and self conscious I am about these things!? Were you trying to hurt me!? Did I actually hurt you? Did youactually care enough about my opinions to be hurt and are you stinging it back at me? Or are you just afraid? And is fear making you say stupid things? Oh you had it all right until the end. Then you just lost all credibility. No, the worst part is you accusing me of something and then not letting me have the chance to talk about it! No but you ddidn't want to hear it. You had already made up your mind! Just like you do about everything else (well, that one thing at least.)
I just don't know anymore! Obviously you don't want to talk about this. Why would you leave me on the hook then?! What good could you possibly see coming from this?! Eh, ... I did make one or two friends despite all of this. Or do they just pity me? Well, it does help, but of course I can't trust anybody who knows you now. Not completely anyway. Because I fully trusted you and you left! Separation anxiety? This is why! It was in your hands! I know you don't like to get your hands dirty, but you took on this leadership role for a reason. Be a leader! Do the hard shit and don't tell me you feel sorry, because that doesn't help. I can only half believe it! Because of course anyone with a heart is sorry for delivering bad news, but saying so would imply more in this case. You say you don't want more, so why would you ever engage me in the first place. Oh now I am just getting upset again! I behaved like you behave and if you are too blind to see that, then there is nothing I can ever say to get through to you. You are so smart, but you can be so dumb sometimes! Led by fear, as I said, which makes you dumb. I know it! I have been led by that too. Sometimes fear is productive when you change YOUR (I my) behavior, but it is dangerous when you think you need to change others.
You told me how you felt, but you didn't give it a chance. I know others got to you, but being that leader, you have to be strong in your own shoes. You told me time and again that I was fine, and suddenly I am not!? That makes you look really bad. And I know it was a mistake that I can forgive, if you ever honestly apologize, but I'm not sure I can ever believe you again atthis point. Once was hard, but this is twice now. Fool me once, onyou, but fool me twice, that's on me. I'd be an idiot to come back to you now. Tell me otherwise. No? Idk Guess we'll have to see.
C
To me,
I am just going to have to see what Sk says, suck this up, but I really can not imagine this going well. Well, i have my friends! ("friends"?) but comeon now, how can I ever trust anyone really?! Oh this is so hard!! |
