Elvis The Pelvis

FAKE AND REAL FRIENDS
FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.
FAKE FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAL FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying "Damn we fucked up.but that shit was fun!"
FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAL FRIENDS: Keep your shit so long they forget its yours.
FAKE FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you.
FAKE FRIENDS: Are for a while.
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
REAL FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say "Bitch drink the rest of that you know we don't waste."
FAKE FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Will knock them the fuck out.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will tell you to keep quite
REAL FRIENDS: Will tell you to shut the fuck up
FAKE FRIENDS: Will sleepover and never ask for food, never ask for coffee, never talk around the parents
REAL FRIENDS: Will immediately go to the fridge, tell the friend to make them coffee, put their feet on the coffee table and tell jokes to their parents
FAKE FRIENDS: Will be like, “pardon me?”
REAL FRIENDS: Will be like, “Wtf did you say?”
FAKE FRIENDS: Will try to fix up your faults
REAL FRIENDS: Will love you even more because of your faults

Top 90 ways to be annoying
1.adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
2.drum on every availible surface.
3.Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
4.Staple paper in the middle of the page.
5.Ask 1-800 opperators for dates.
6.Produse a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI coppy warnings.
7.Sew anti theft detector strips onto peoples backpacks.
8.Hide dairy products in inaccessable places.
9.Write the surprise ending of a novel on its first page.
10.Specify that your drive through order is "to go".
11.Set alarms for random times.
12.Learn morse code, and have conversations with friends in public entirely of beeeep bip bip beeeep bip...
13.Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavour off.
14.Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
15.Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next thanksgiving
16.Leave your head banging tape in uncle edds sterio with the volume on full blast.
17.Publicly investigate just how slow you can make a "croaking" noise.
18.Honk and wave to straingers.
19.Dressed only in clothes coloured Hunters orange.
20.Change channels five minuates before the end of every show.
21.Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies.
22.Wear your pants backwards.
23.Decline to be seated at a resturant, and simply eat there complementary mints by the cash register.
24.Begin all your sentances with "ooh la la!"
25.Rouse your roommates from slumber every morning with head banging music.
26.Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
27.ONLY TYP IN UPPERCASE. only type in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either.
28.Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
29.Pay for your dinner with pennies.
30.Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
31.Repeat everything someone sais as a question.
32.Write " X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someones road maps.
33.Inform every one you meet of your personal Kennady assassination/UFO/OJ Simson consperacy theories.
34.Repeat the following conversations a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now"
35.Light raod flares on Birthday cakes.
36.Wander around the resturant, asking other diners for their parsley.
37.Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
38.Demand that everyone addresses you as "Conquistador"
39.Push all the flat lego pieces together tightly.
40.At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
41.When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restraind.
42.Wear a cape that says "Magnifacent One".
43.As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
44.Stand over someones shoulder, mumbiling as they read.
45.Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
46.Sing the "this is the song that never ends... " song.
47.Leave your turn left signal on for fifty miles.
48.Pretend your mouse is a CB radio and talk to it.
48.Drive 30km per hour on a 120km per hour freeway.
49.Drive half a block.
50.Name your dog "Dog"
51.Inform others that they only exist in your imagenation.
52.Ask people what gender they are.
53.Reply to everything someone says with "thats what YOU think".
54.Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
55.Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian affect a Southern Drawl.
56.Forget the punchline to a really long joke, but tell the listener it was a "real hoot".
57.Routinely handcuff yourself to furnicher, inform the curious that you dont want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
58.Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of discenfectant.
59.Deliberatly hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "i wanna have your babies- Natasha Bedingfield", "Smack that - Akorn" or "the sweet escape - Gwen Stafani".
60.While making presentations bob your head like a parakeet.
61.Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
62.Make beeping noises when a large person backsup.
63.Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
64.Change your name to John Aaaaaaasmith for the glory of being first in the phone book. Claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that each person pronounses every A.
65.Sit in your front garden pointing a hairdryer at pasing cars to see if they slow down.
66.Chew on pens that youve borrowed.
67.Invent nonsence computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
68.Wear a LOT of perfume.
69.Ask to "interface" with someone.
70.Listen to 33 rpm records at 45 rpm speed, and claim that the faster speed is necessary because of your "super mental processing".
71.Sing along at the opera.
72.Mow your lawn with scissors.
73.At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
74.Finnish all your sentances with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
75.Ask a waiter for an extra seat for your imaginary friend.
76.Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesnt rhyme.
77.Ask your co-workers misterious questios, and scribble there answers in a note book. Mutter something about "psycological profiles".
78.Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "stick wicket isn't cricket."
79.Stare at static on the tv and claim that you can see a magical picture.
80.Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
81.Scruff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
82.Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentance, produsing awkward silences with the impretion that you will be saying more any second.
83.Never make eye contact. Never break eye contact.
84.Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
85.Construct elaberate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
86.Construct your own pretend "tricorder", "scan" scan people with it, anouncing the results.
87.Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
88.Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
89.Make apointments for the 31st of september.
90.Invite lots of people to other peoples parties.


How to annoy people at the movies
Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
Clap when the good guy gets killed.
During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"
Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
Tell the man selling popcorn that the bathroom is flooding.
Yell out what is going to happen.
Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.
Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible friend already is.
Dress for every movie as if it were the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Use empty chairs next to you as catapults with candy. Aim at specific people behind you and see if you can hit anyone in the back row.
Wear 3d glasses. Complain loudly how bad the effect are.
Bring a flashlight. In the middle of the film do shadow puppets on the ceiling.
Bring a remote control. Complain that you can't change the channel.
Sit front row, the minute the movie starts run out screaming.
Every time a character's name is mentioned do the Richmeister. (for a guy named Nick say, the Nickmeister, the Nickenator, Nickarino...)
Bring a beach ball. Toss it around.
Try to start a wave.
Become a bookie. Take bets on who will die first.
Sit in the back and throw eggs at the projection window.
Every time someone curses cover your ears and scream, "No profanity!"
Sing with the theme music.
Bring and use your own air freshener.
At the ticket booth, request tickets for really old movies, "I'll have two tickets for the Goonies."
Throw spit wads on the screen. Try throwing them on the upper part of the screen so they can't get scraped off.
Pass around a collection plate and see if anyone contributes.
Point a laser pointer at the screen. Give the audience a laser light show.
Bring a book and a bright light. Start reading the book with the light on. When someone asks you to turn out the light, yell, "Shh, I'm trying to read!"
Use binoculars. Stare at the audience rather than the movie.
Bring a Nintendo laser gun. Shoot at the screen.
Clap loudly every time a person walks into the theater late.
When someone kicks the back of your chair, scream, "Ahhh, whiplash!"
Ask what the theater's return policy on popcorn is.
Ask the person at the ticket window, "Do you work here?"
Start a standing ovation at the end of the movie.
Quote all dialogue 4 seconds after it is said on the screen.
Get up frequently and leave the room while singing "Let's all go to the Lobby to get ourselves a treat"
Every time there is a gun shot scream, "Hit the floor!", jump on the floor, and cover your head.
Wear one of those "cat in the hat" top hats.
Get 3 people together and act like you are Crow, Tom Servo, and Joel from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Before the movie starts, stand up, and imitate the Truth commercial saying, "The makers of this film couldn't find any way to make their characters rebellious, rockin`, or cool so instead, they'll just smoke."
When someone walks by you in the aisle scream, "Ahhhhhh! Bad Touch!"
Play musical chairs, getting up frequently and moving right next to someone sitting by themself.
Bring your own beanbag chair and sit in the aisle.
During a love scene, stand up and run to the screen shouting "Hooters!"
Before the movie begins, tape fart cusions to various chairs in the theater room.
Bring a portable air popper, pop your own popcorn.
Bring a watergun and shoot it at anyone who begins talking.
Tie a cardboard box around your waist and walk up and down the aisles shouting "Get your popcorn, peanuts!"
Cough really loudly right at the most important part of the movie, so nobody can here it, like when the killer’s name is going to be said.
Bring a flashlight and shine it on the walls or ceiling, in advance draw an outline o#*@!uy screwing a chick (or perhaps another guy), then cut
out the outline and put it in front of the flashlight, so the image can be seen on the wall or ceiling.
Laugh hysterically during the sad parts in the movie, cry during the funny ones.
Smuggle in cans of roaches, locusts, ants, and other bugs that can annoy and reproduce quickly. You may even bring in some rats. Then sit in the very back, open the jars, and toss the bugs out on the ground. Since the floor is more slanted in the back the bugs will spread
throughout the theater faster. Be sure to be the first one to raise and scream "There’s a #*@!roach crawling up my leg!" Then run out into the
lobby and start yelling "there’s #*@!roaches in here!" Or "This theater is contaminated!" The theater will have to close down and fumigate the
showroom(s), and after this little "accident" no one will want to go back to the theater anyway!
Bring a pager or cellphone and set them off every 5 minutes, you can also set off a watch alarm if you have a loud one.
Say "Shhhhh" every 5 minutes.
Pass by a room that’s showing a movie you’ve already seen, put your head into the room, and scream the ending.

THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU’RE BORED
Act like a spy / secret agent for the day
Act like you just met your friend for the first time
Act profound
Ad lib
Add some strawberries to your ice cream
Adopt strange mannerisms
Alphabetize the food in your fridge
Announce your candidacy for President.
Annoy total strangers
Apply for a unicorn hunting license
Appreciate everything
Archive the Internet to 3.5" floppy disks (low density of course)
Arrest yourself
Ask a question nobody can answer
Ask embarrassing questions
Ask for seconds
Ask people how to pronounce their name
Ask people if they want to see your “belly button treasure”
Ask people if they’ve seen your head
Ask stupid questions.
Ask the person in front of you to marry you.
Ask why
At the bottom of escalators yell “MY SHOELACE!”
Attract lightning
Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize
Baby oil the floor
Backstroke your way to class
Bake the world’s biggest doughnut hole
Balance a pencil on your nose
Balance a pillow on your head
Balance your checkbook
Bark at people in the grocery store
Bark at your dog
Bark at your parents
Be a leaf and leave
Be a loan shark
Be a lone shark
Be a monk...for a day
Be a no-name
Be a non-being
Be a REALLY cautious driver
Be a side affect.
Be a smart blonde
Be a spy
Be a square root.
Be a superstar
Be amazing
Be blue
Be blunt
Be Buddha
Be cherubic.
Be cold
Be cute
Be envious
Be halfway
Be hot
Be immobile
Be in the wrong place at the right time.
Be jealous
Be lazy
Be legendary
Be lord of the flies