Vermilion_Lace

I love drawing, I like writing, and I get told I'm good when it comes to describing.

My fave band is MCR (duh) and I wonder if I'll get told I'm a fangirl just for hearing about them in 2007.. well you only get mainstream popular music in this country so of course I wouldn't have heard of em til AFTER they got popular but don't worry TBP isn't the only music I know by them.

I am quiet, the silent observer type. I prefer to watch and listen, than be the centre of attention. I like finding strange, unusual, bizarre people, and observing their behaviour, their dress style, the way they move, walk, talk.
One of the main reasons I am so good at art is because of this quality. I see something, and I don't find it hard to perfectly replicate (or almost perfectly replicate) what I see. It's not because I'm left-handed, or probably even that I've been drawing all my life. Being left-handed certainly has nothing to do with it - it actually makes it harder, because I end up smudging the picture. I never have been able to use gel pens.
I love music. I would die if i had nothing to listen to. Dido, Eminem, MCR, The Used, Linkin Park, and AFI are all different bands/artists who's music I mainly listen to.

I want to find out who my true self is, but even though I am one step closer I know I have a long way to go. Explanation - I was totally lost and had no sense of self until I discovered MCR, and they opened up a whole new, exciting world for me. A world which I wanted to be a part of. I became more involved with that dark type stuff. People thought I was going emo - I told them if I was emo, then I always had been, deep inside, hidden away. I realize that, more than ever, I am closer to my true self. But I know I am not there, not yet.

I also know what it is to be bullied. I spent one year of my life in the torment of others. I was in a new, unfamiliar boarding school, in a totally different country, and there were two girls who decided no, they didn't like the weird girl from the third-world country, and they proceeded to get every single girl in my year to hate me, and hate me they did. The teachers did nothing. I'm serious - one lesson I will never forget, the girls isolated me so I was in the front desk with about a metre of clear space around, they disliked me that much. In the middle of the class, a few girls began throwing screwed-up paper at me, and the rest of the class encouraged them, they began to see how many they could hit me with. The teacher totally ignored them, pretending they were doing nothing. All I could think was "why me?"
These girls would yell at me, if I tried to do something fun they'd yell at me to get out, that a loser like me shouldn't be allowed to have fun. If I went near them, they'd yell "eeeeeww!!". If I tried to get in a group, for class, they'd go "OMG go away no WAY are you going near ME!". Once, whe there were no other seats, I tried to sit next to another girl, and she stared at me and yelled "No WAY are you sitting with ME!". I had nobody to turn to - the teachers did nothing, my parents were a country away, my own sister had nothing to do with me. I spent the whole year depressed and miserable. I still suffer the aftereffects, even now those two girls have left and the girls in my year have come to accept me as a friend, I am still quiet, withdrawn and shy, scared that I might provoke more bullying, scared it will happen all over again. I always think that, even if the person is really nice and friendly to me, that they think I am a weirdo, that they think negatively of me, that they think I am an emo retard. Even if they don't, I still fear that I annoy the hell out of everyone. Some people probably actually think I'm fine. But I still automatically assume that they find me irritating and clingy. I probably shouldn't, but then I always seem to assume the worst about myself.

If ever you feel you are being bullied and you have none to turn to, turn to me, I know what it is like and I will always be there for you. I won't desert you, and I understand what it is like. I may have lost most of my confidence, but I have enough to be able to be there for you. I won't just "get too busy" or lose interest. I have e-pals who I email every day, even if they don't email me back. If I can stick to that commitment, then as long as you make sure I know you still need someone to talk to, then I will be there for you.

I love MCR of course, but there is a song I love with all my heart, that speaks to me in a language that seems made only for me. That song is Numb, by Linkin Park. The message in it is so clear - I've become less and less what people want of me. My mother, grandmother and even my father are disappointed in me, because I'm leaning more toward "goth"(my father's words, he srsly has NO clue) styles and tendancies. My grandmother doesn't understand how I can stand that "vulgar, meaningless noise". My father wishes I dressed more like a girl and that I take it more seriously when people mistake me for a boy, and wants me to be more "sociable and sporty". My mother seems to be the most accepting, she actually taught me to use eyeliner.. haha. But the point is, I'm becoming more and more me and less what they are. They can't deal with that, and that makes me so depressed, knowing the family I love are disappointed in who I am. But I want to be ME, not what they want me to be. This song, Numb, by Linkin Park, is almost as if they've taken those thoughts out of my head and put them in a song. They've spoken the message I've been waiting to hear since Year 7. I wonder how they knew that. If you haven't heard it, HEAR IT!

"Numb"

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

About me:
I have short, boy-like brown hair that goes irritatingly curly.. I straightened my hair some time ago and discovered a perfect emo fringe that I never knew I had.. because it was all curled up..
I am pretty tall and fairly skinny, despite having a weight of 67kgs... unbelievable. You think you're fat, check out the skinny girl over here. A girl said to me "eww I'm fat wish i was skinny like you ew I'm like 50kgs" and I was like o.0
I have long fingernails that I love to paint black to create an almost "witchy" look with my pale skinny fingers, prominent knuckles tendons etc.
I wear glasses. Mikey Way type glasses. When I straighten my hair, my friend gets freaked out when she talks to me cuz "OMG you look like Mikey!!"
I wear oversized men's t-shirts. Dead comfortable. I wear jeans, black leggings (omg comfiness overload) and flats too, and when its cold I pull on a hoodie or fleecy jumper.
I have bad acne, I totally hate my face. Yes, them bullies called me "pizza-face" as well. Ignore this one.
My skin (which isn't on my face) is smooth and rarely dry. I have really soft skin on my neck.. which at the moment has vampire bites on it.. tell ya later. I also have a good tan. I like sun. Deal with it.
I hate daylight savings (Australia duhh)
I have strange eyes.. not blue yet not quite green yet not quite hazel yet not brown.. a weird colour. My eyelashes are really long, but they're blonde so you cant see em unless I'm wearing mascara.
I look srsly hideous without eyeliner. I once looked in the mirror without it on after I started wearing it regularly, and nearly cried. Thank god mother for teaching me how to use eyeliner.
I play piano. I can't read sheet music very well, but I'm really good pitch, and I have all these little compositions I make up that sound really awesome, and apparently despite my lack of skill in reading music, I have a "talent" in music.
I'm planning on starting a band. So far, we have me (piano), a vocalist, a guitarist, a drummer.. and we need a bassist. We also have a name. But we need a bassist and a GOOD song.
I am a true example of non-conformism. I am nothing like any normal soul in society. I have no label - I am borderline on everything. There is no label for someone like me. Not nerd, not emo, not goth, not anything, some may call me.. unique?
I absolutely hate the type of person who is all best-buddies and wonderful and friendly to your face, and who convinces you that you're the most wonderful person they know and that they're your best friend, but who then turn around and go behind your back spreading rumours and bitching about you behind your back, for popularity. I knew someone like that - I thought she was my best friend. Then I found out how horrible she was about me. Then, after that, she began bitching to my face. She joined the bullies in tormenting me and making my life miserable, she made me bawl my eyes out several times. I don't feel sorry about hating her now - she made her point and sealed the lid shut herself when she began hurting me for popularity. She knew that hurting me meant it was over, so she has no-one else to blame but herself, and I hope to God every day of my life that I never have to meet her again.
Okay, weirdness overload.. I am scared to death of JELLYBEANS. No joke. They scare the living shit out of me, okay? I cannot go into a lolly store without sending a friend in there first to find out where they are so I can avoid them. I have experienced the trauma of bumping into a mega-massive container of the suckers many times and yes, my reaction usually is to yelp really loudly, shrink away, not taking my eyes off them, start gasping loudly and panicking. I know.. it's weird.. I can't help it. I can't change it. I can't get over it. I hate it. I get traumatized every time I go downtown with my friends, because OF COURSE they HAVE to drag me into the lolly section of Big W or a lolly store at some point, and everyone knows that jellybeans are probably one of the most popular confections in the modern world. So every time we go downtown, there's a point that sounds kinda like this - "OMFG JELLYBEANS FUCK FUCK FUUUUUCK HELP SHIT GEMME OUTTA HERE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK....!!!!" "Alison calm down its okay they're not gonna hurt you calm down!" *whimpers* "Yes, that's good, don't worry, just.. stay back a little, we'll get you the M&Ms.." *loud gasps* "Whoah! Alison! BREATHE! They're not gonna kill you!" (me)"I know.. it's just.. oh my god.. they.. they're right THERE.." "Calm down! Okay, we're going now, it's okay, no more jellybeans!" (me)"Thank GOD.."
Very abnormal, this fear of jellybeans.. *makes note to get over fear sometime in future*.

Okay, about the vampire thing - I have vampires living in my wall. There's a hole in my wall kicked, in courtesy to a friend of mine, a few days ago. They live in the hole now. They used to live under my bed. I know they're there cuz the inside of my thighs itch when they come closer, and I wake up every other morning with little red bite marks. Always two, side by side, canine-to-canine-length. Never just one by itself. I'll wake up with, say, more than two, but always pairs. Never just one. And lately I've been feeling more nocturnal, wanting to stay up later at night but getting tireder and tireder during the day no matter how much sleep I get during the night. It sure is weird. But they're okay though, they don't bother me much. Just it annoys me when my legs itch.

Fave song - Early Sunsets Over Monroeville
2nd fave song - Kill All Your Friends
2nd fave band/artist - Eminem (weird I know)
3rd fave song - Numb (Linkin Park)
3rd fave band - Linkin Park (YAAYZ)

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.........|||PANSY WHO WAS MURDERED
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I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday.
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am not one of the lucky ones.
I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didnt have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.
I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson"---IF YOU BELIEVE THAT HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG... REPOST THIS