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The Confessions Thread

AuthorMessage
beaker;
Patron Saint of Switchblade Fights
beaker;
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 69226
January 3rd, 2018 at 09:18pm
I wish I could just throw up everything I've ever eaten until there is nothing left
like, nothing at all
Young London.
Awake and Unafraid
Young London.
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 10039
January 16th, 2018 at 06:18am
Young London.:
that is the only thing that is keeping me alive.


That was posted in February 2012. R.I.P to my beloved Dolores O'Riordan. Thank you for keeping me alive when I had nothing to look forward to that year. I kept myself alive because I wanted to see you Live, so badly... and it was worth every penny spent. I had such a great time at that concert. Forever in my memories and heart. I love you. Thank you.
andromeda;
Patron Saint of Switchblade Fights
andromeda;
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 69244
February 11th, 2018 at 10:47pm

kratom tastes like mud and I fucking hate it but it's the only thing I have now that the pills I've been stealing are out of refills and I'm too much of a pussy to make the jump to the big H. :/
andromeda;
Patron Saint of Switchblade Fights
andromeda;
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 69244
March 21st, 2018 at 07:07pm
I came rly close to checking myself into rehab today. shoulda just fucking done it, but I guess no one really cares since I'm not shooting up.
andromeda;
Patron Saint of Switchblade Fights
andromeda;
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 69244
April 11th, 2018 at 10:04pm

I haven't come out & told anyone but I've been completely sober for 2 weeks and I fucking hate it. I hate it so much. and I hate that I hate it. I'm not supposed to hate it. I'm supposed to love myself and I want to love myself more than drugs but that's not the honest to god truth. basically the only thing stopping me from buying a ton of blow is a lack of money. and I hate that money is the only thing stopping me too.

idk where I'm going with that tbh.
dark blue;
Killjoy
dark blue;
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 14
May 11th, 2018 at 07:38pm
Well, my computer just crashed and i lost everything i'd written, so great. but it comes down to basically;
-i'm super lazy, everything bores me, and i spend my days, to quote, rules be damned, 'neither sleeping nor awake, watching pointless documentaries on tornadoes and earthquakes.'
-when i'm out at my volunteer job, despite the people being lovely, i'm bored shitless, and to resort to the aforementioned italicised song lyrics again, fuckers, ; 'i can't wait 'till i get home, to pass the time in my room alone.'

i have nothing resembling a life, but i'm not even really mad about it, most of the time. i can't tell if that's a coping mechanism so i don't have to face up to how - sad? - it is, or if it's the meds blunting my emotions. 50/50, maybe.
much as i don't want to talk/think about it, my mental health disaster of last year swept the life i had completely off the fuckin' rails. i lost literally all the friends i had with the exception of one who i don't really know what to say to anymore and haven't as much as texted with since last year, university went up in smoke, and i went from being in shape to overweight, which while not the end of the world by any stretch of the imagination didn't exactly do wonders for my self confidence.
i can't really think of any solutions other than to obviously keep trying stuff, but i can't think of a whole hell of a lot to try. i'll need a job, eventually, and tbh it'd probably be better if I had one now, but as long as they're happy to keep me on the sick because of my medication and status as a world-renowned fuck up i can't really find much incentive to actually get a job. to coin a phrase, part three; 'For now I'll lie around hell, that's all I can really do.'
And on that incredibly positive note, I might give up on yet another day and drag myself into bed.

beaker;
Patron Saint of Switchblade Fights
beaker;
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 69226
May 12th, 2018 at 11:18am
When I go to work, I just want to go home
When I get home, I just get depressed and want to eat
When I eat, I feel that temporary "high" and then I feel regret, and just want to eat again to feel better.
and then I just want to go back to work again so that I can't eat.


And this is all that keeps happening every fucking day for the past 6 months
and I'm sick of the fact that I gained 20lbs inbetween October and January, and haven't been able to lose it
I'm so sick of existing
dark blue;
Killjoy
dark blue;
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 14
May 16th, 2018 at 08:44pm
I feel like I'm quite content to rot.

That's about it, really. There's nothing I really want to do, and I don't feel like I could change things drastically even if I tried that hard. Forget it.


mandylorian
In the Cannibal Glow
mandylorian
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 53011
June 19th, 2018 at 02:31pm
i'm going to be 30 soon.
my life is not what i wanted at all.
where did i fuck up at?
i hate myself more than i ever have.
Young London.
Awake and Unafraid
Young London.
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 10039
August 16th, 2018 at 11:28am
^ I understand how you feel. I am turning 30 in 2 years time and my life isn't how I imagine it to be. I resigned from a stable career with good money, just because I ache for knowledge, better health and personal/career growth. Some people won't understand my decision, but that's a-okay. I've got a new job and will start next month.Though the money isn't that great - I know I will be better off in terms of health. I'd have normal sleeping patterns, and be able to have proper lunch break without rushing...also not having the need to torture my bladder because I need someone to cover me to go to the toilet. As I grow older, I truly appreciate my health. I am now in the process of leaving my current workplace. Am only left with 10 days, I hope it'll be smooth.

I am typing this while listening to The Cranberries, totally made me feel better about life. (I've been going through some tough times for the past 7 months.) I miss Dolores. I wish I could see her live again. She's such an angel. May you rest in peace. ♡
SINATRA
Bleeding on the Floor
SINATRA
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 1406
August 20th, 2018 at 07:30pm
sia:
i'm going to be 30 soon.
my life is not what i wanted at all.
where did i fuck up at?
i hate myself more than i ever have.


Hi. 31 here. Trust me, most people don’t have their sh*t together in their 30s. The expectations are ridiculous. We are allowed to have delays. It doesn’t make us failures.
Young London.
Awake and Unafraid
Young London.
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 10039
August 30th, 2018 at 10:31am
Ahhhh. My new job requires me to pass the exam. Dude, i'm all for it... but cramping 4 days course with an exam the next day is no joke. What if I fail? I have to pay another $100+ for the fees again. Dammit. I can't believe I am actually applying for other jobs now (just in case I can't wing it... the 2nd or 3rd time.)
Young London.
Awake and Unafraid
Young London.
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 10039
August 30th, 2018 at 10:32am
SINATRA:
sia:
i'm going to be 30 soon.
my life is not what i wanted at all.
where did i fuck up at?
i hate myself more than i ever have.


Hi. 31 here. Trust me, most people don’t have their sh*t together in their 30s. The expectations are ridiculous. We are allowed to have delays. It doesn’t make us failures.


So glad to know that we are not alone after all.
dark blue;
Killjoy
dark blue;
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 14
October 21st, 2018 at 11:33pm
Well, that passed. As everything does. Every state, at least. It's strange. But I'm better now than I've ever been. ( As in, I'm living now. I can't really count six odd months of adrenaline and heartbreak as 'the best I've ever been' although it certainly goes under 'most manic/euphoric/positive/probably happiest' I've ever been .Then again, I could say that it's been the worst year of my life, but I've thought that every year, really, as far back as I can remember. Things have changed massively for me; I'm here now, I'm living on my own and in a city for the first time and that's great, and I'm enjoying actually having some human contact- I don't think I ever really have before. A few acquaintances don't make friendships, and even then I've made more acquaintances over the past month than I ever had before.
I still get lonely, sometimes. I'm definitely starved of intimacy. I guess I always have been, really. I don't quite know what to make of that. I'm more accepting of where I am now than I've been in a long time though, maybe ever. You adapt to things, though. I'd love to have a stable relationship with someone, to be in love with someone. It's funny, I heard Vermillion Part II a few days ago and that line 'She isn't real/ I can't make her real' really summed up the feelings I had for that person for essentially the last two and a half years. I kind of wish I'd realised it that explicitly a lot earlier, a lot earlier, and I always knew, really, but that line made it hit home..I'd always struggled to summarise it that honestly/bluntly. I'm over them now. But literally, it took me till I got here. Till about ten fucking days ago.
Life, so far, certainly hasn't gone the way I wanted. I would say not the way I planned, but I never planned much. Certainly not the way I wanted though, so far. On a brief related sidenote, I feel that I'm gonna take my chances without medication. I understand the severity, I understand. I just feel that it comes with such side effects that it makes life virtually impossible to live, and I want a chance to live a life. If I end up fucking hospitalised, at least I was alive for a while rather than a sedated, vegetative, chemically straitjacketed patient. Just let me live. In the words of Lamb of God; ‘If there was a single day I could live. A single breath I could take. I’d trade all the others away.’
And that sums everything up, really. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what I'm doing. I know I've got no roots, really. I know that when everyone goes back home at Christmas to see their family and friends I've got no friends to see, two way more successful brothers and parents saddened over their estranged daughter. I know that in four months it'll be 23 years since I was born, and in those 23 years I've kept zero close friends, not that i ever really made any, had two jobs lasting just over two months, one of which I wasn't fired from, had one 'official' -there was one where I just developed feelings while being techically nothing to them which lasted about a month- and my first heartbreak which happened before my first kiss at 15- relationship which lasted about two and a half weeks which I never really wanted in the first place, and spent six weeks in a fucking mental institution. I'm certainly not the person I wanted to be, let alone the person I dreamed I'd be. I don't feel sorry for myself. I'll get there, or I won't. I have no idea what'll happen in four months. Four months ago I thought my life was over, essentially. I'm doing better. And like happened before, a few years ago, sometimes the wait and the shit you crawl through to get there just makes the moment more beautiful when it happens. If it happens.

So will it happen? I'll find out.

Universe.
Generation Nothing
Universe.
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 126288
February 25th, 2019 at 01:33am
Funny how life can screw you over
Jimin.
Killjoy
Jimin.
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 47
November 19th, 2019 at 04:34pm
I confess that I really, really like the Blue's Clues reboot cause...reasons.
stxrlesseyes
Always Born a Crime
stxrlesseyes
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 5044
November 22nd, 2019 at 10:08am
i thought i would be so happy after buying a house but now i feel like it was the worst financial decision of my life Sad
Doodles
Demolition Lover
Doodles
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Posts: 17799
February 7th, 2020 at 09:29am
I want to move, and not just away from where I am.
Like a different country kind of move.
I want to runaway, disappear, focus on myself.
I'd obviously take him with me, but I don't think he would want to come.
mandylorian
In the Cannibal Glow
mandylorian
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 53011
April 23rd, 2020 at 11:06am
even though i'm not entirely sure marriage is for me,
for some reason it still depresses me to see my exes get married.
and of course two of them have gotten married during this pandemic.
i am confident that i didn't want to end up with them, for sure.
but i guess it just makes me sad that their lives move on while mine doesn't.
beaker;
Patron Saint of Switchblade Fights
beaker;
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 69226
May 31st, 2020 at 01:23am
Well, I think I'm truly alone. Likely unwelcome among R and M lately. Sometimes too with E and A, probably. J... will be there out of obligation. K is out of reach most of the time. I miss O and L, but idk how to reach out. It feels like I'm going to fade into obscurity if I don't strangle whatever relationships I have left first.
At least this time I'm prepared, more hardened to it than I was with S. It doesn't make it any better, just slightly easier.