Jayohen

R.I.P

Mary Yost Doolan

Feb 9th, 1917 - 1991

My grandmother died of a polycystic kidney disease in 1991. I never met her, but i've heard so many great stories about her, that i'm looking forward to meeting her when I get to heaven. I can't wait until I finaly get to be her friend, and grand daughter, when I get to heaven.

R.I.P

Robert John Doolan

Nov 3rd, 1916 - 2006

My grandfather died of congestive heart failure in 2006. I however met him. Unlike his wife Mary. I loved him very much, and can't wait to see him in heaven aswell. I had so many fun times with him, I know that trying to describe it would only make it seem less magical then it was. Words would only dimimish it.

R.I.P

Mary Frances Herbert Heins

June 6th, 1927 - 1991

My grandmother died of lung cancer in 1991. I also, never met her. Her husband is still alive, and i've met him. She died within 6 weeks of my mom's mom, Mary Yost Doolan. My dad told me that I would have loved her. That she would have spoiled me. I don't care so much for the spoiling me part, but, I do know that I would have loved to be loved by a grandmother. I am looking forward to seeing her in heaven aswell. I can't wait to go on a picnic with her, and grandma Mary. D, and discuss all the things we would have done, and placed we would have gone. I can't wait.

In reply of the topic "Where would you be if it wasn't for MCR right now?", I said that I would be six feet under in a sleep that I was never going to wake up from, and that I knew it for a fact. My new found friend Laina replied to it.

Good Memories of MA




Laina: where you suicidal or something? I was, but I think i'm oka...-well, I'm Not Okay but I'm not suicidal.

My Reply: Yep. I'm not proud of it. I'm not ashamed of it. I don't hate who I was, I don't love who I was. But I do thank who I was.

Because, that person. That lonely lost girl, who couldn't find any joy in life, and couldn't find the love she needed in her friends, got strong from being alone. But the only thing that kept her going, was MCR. She used the anger it produced, and turned it into strength. Without them, she was nothing, and without them, she wouldn't be here today.






MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE BIBLE:

Gerard Way Puts The 'Laughter' In 'Manslaughter'.
Mikey Way Can Slam Revolving Doors.
The Chief Export Of Frank Iero Is Pain.
Mikey Way Counted To Infinity...Twice.
Frank Iero Can Divide By Zero.
The Grass Is Always Greener On The Other Side. Unless Gerard Way Has Been There, Then It's Soaked With Tears And Blood.
The Frank Iero Once Visited The Virgin Islands. They Are Now The Islands.
Gerard Way Sleeps With A NightLight. Not Because Gerard Way Is Afraid Of The Dark, But Because The Dark Is Afraid Of Gerard Way.
Mikey Way Is The Reason Waldo Is Hiding.
A Tsunami Is Water Running Away From Bob Bryar.
Bob Bryar Doesn't Get Brain Freeze. Slurpees Know When To Back The Fuck Off.
Bob Bryar Doesn't Teabag The Ladies. He Potato-Sacks Them.
Mikey Way Can Speak Braille.
Frank Iero Jacks Off To Monster Trucks.
Jeeves Asks Ray Toro.
If The Bob Bryar Is Late, Time Better Slow The Fuck Down.
Geico Saved 15% A Year By Switching To Gerard Way.
Ray Toro Went Back In Time And Stopped The JFK Assination By Catching The Bullet In Mid-Air. JFK's Head Just Exploded In Sheer Amazement.
Gerard Way Has To Sort His Laundry Into Three Loads: Darks, Whites, And Bloodstains.
Jesus Walked On Water. Gerard Way Walked On Jesus.
When Frank Iero Gives You The Finger, He's Telling You How Many Seconds You Have Left To Live.
Gerard Way Doesn't Use Pick-Up Lines, He simply Says "Now."
Mikey Way Is Like A Tsunami. If You Can See Him Coming, It's Already Too Late.
Bob Bryar Ate The Stay Puff Marshmallow Man.
Ray Toro Didn't Vote For Pedro. He Deported Him.
When God Said, "Let There Be Light", Gerard Way Said, "Say Please."



1.Real M.C.R fans know more songs than Welcome to the Black Parade.
2.Real M.C.R fans know Gerard Way's brother's name
3.Real M.C.R fans shout 'YES!' when one of their songs comes on.
4.Real M.C.R fans punch their cousins/brothers/parents/friends for dissing Gerard's hair.
5.Real M.C.R fans know the names of everyone in the band and what they do.
6.Real M.C.R fans shop for hours just to find a jacket like the band's have for a M.C.R concert.
7.Real M.C.R fans take time to right on the front of all there underwear "I love Gerard".
8.Real M.C.R fans ask their mom whats for dinner and are disappointed when she dont say Gerard.
9.Real M.C.R fans start smoking 'cause they think they will be hott like Frank and Gerard.
10.Real M.C.R fans ask for Bob for christmas and cry when they dont get him.
11.Real M.C.R fans do dirty things with their M.C.R action figures and are proud to admit it.
12.Real M.C.R fans sleep with a picture of M.C.R and actually have to wipe off the drool stains.
13.Real M.C.R fans piss themselves when they see them.. on T.V.
14.Real M.C.R fans would admit to let them rape you.
15.Real M.C.R fans go in a rendition of Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge when they hear a guy in a restaurant say "So Long"
16.Real M.C.R fans have this on their profile.



You Know You're an MCR Fan When...

1. You have at least one MCRSavedMyLife story
2.When someone says "'fro," you say "Ray Toro!"
3.When someone says "Chemical," or "Romance," you think..."MCR!"
4. When you think of New Jersey, you think of Belleville.
5. When someone talks about St. Helena, Montana, you think Helena.
6. You've had their CD for two weeks and iTunes says it's been played at least 46 times.
7. You have mixed feelings about the Used. Bert? Or Gerard?
8. You wake up at two AM thinking about Mikey.
9. You view Alicia Simmons as the new Adrienne Armstrong.
10. You truly believe the Black Parade will come to you when you die (Hello Gerard!)
11. You believe they should hire you to be in all their videos since you dance to the songs like nobody's business.
12. Black is your favorite color.
13. The only reason you watch 24 is so you can have something in common with Ray.
14. It pains you to watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force because of the rejection it caused Gerard.
15. You know Bob is a fuzzy bunny and Frank is a princess.
16. You wouldn't mind watching Gerard draw all day.
17. You count the days to and from your MCR concerts.
18. You have their tour schedule on a Word Document on your computer.
19. You've writeten at least one fanfic.
20. You'd join the TMNT, just to be with Bob.
21. You wouldn't mind Gerard and Mikey smellling like shit if it meant you got to go on tour with them!
22. You'd offer Frank your shower at 3 AM.
23. Even your parents know the words to Welcome to the Black Parade.
24. You dye your hair like Gerard did a few years ago and lament as that random red splotch at the back of your head fades away.
25.You scream when your parents accidentally throw away the review of the show you went to a week before. Then you immediately get it off the internet.
26. None of your friends like them but they could probably write a book on them you talk about them so much.
27. You've Googled their high schools.
28. You adhere to the MCR Bible, the Ten Commandments of the Black Parade, the Ten Commandments of Gerard Way and the Ten Commandments of a Chemical Romantic.
29. You don't care anymore when people call them emo because you know they're not.
30. You'd cut off Bob and Ray's hair if it meant you could have it all to yourself.
31. You relate to Mikey and his unicorn/coffee/sushi fetish.
32. You really wish Frank would talk on stage.
33. You celebrate their birthdays with religion. Yes, that means costumes.
34. You've named pets/stuffed animals/instruments after them ("C'mere Mikey! Good boy Mikey, good boy!"
35. The people in your band have set a ban on you singing anymore MCR at practice. Needless to say, this is a rule meant to be broken.
36. You sneak into your computer lab at school at lunch to watch their videos.
37. You call your younger sister "Mikey." Therefore, she hates you. But you can't help that she is skinny, tallish and wears glasses.
38. You plan on making a pilgrimage to Belleville, New Jersey as soon as possible.
39. You listen to every band they say they like during interviews.
40. You only tolerate Brandon Flowers because Gerard Way says he likes the Killers and Brandon likes MCR.
41. Your daydreams consist of commentary on your school day by Mikey, Frank, Gerard, Bob and Ray.
42. You call Gerard "Gee."
43.Your friends all get a glazed look when you mention MCR.
44. You've read Ecstasy: Three Tales of Chemical Romance, by Irvine Welsh.
45. You wrote an essay about how you admire Gerard when your English teacher told you that you had to write something about someone you admired.
46. You're known to wear a black stripe over your eyes to school when you're feeling extra MCR-ish.
47. Life on the Murder Scene=LOTMS
48. You support Bob Bryar's solo project.
49. Even if they went gansta, you'd still love them.
50. You just wrote and or read this (or forced a friend to.)
(this is all a joke btw, you can be a mcr fan weather you like 1 song or them all as long as your not a teenie i care for you)

Homophobia is Gay:
I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday.
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me. I am not one of the lucky ones.
I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the Realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the woman who died when the EMT s stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.
I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson"
--- IF YOU BELIEVE THAT HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG... REPOST THIS!

The Ten Commandments of Gerard Way

1.Thou shall never let them take you alive.
2.Thou shall drink Starbucks coffee
3.Thou shall play World of Warcraft as an Undead Warrior
4.Thou shall admit that they are not okay freely
5.Thou shall unleash the fucking bats
6.Thou shall strike violent poses
7.Thou shall stay out of the light
8.Thou shall suck thy enemies blood
9.Thou shall overcome thy weaknesses
10.Thou shall not be afraid to keep on living

The Ten Commandments of Frank Iero
1. Thou shall run around until thou can no longer breathe
2. Thou shall eat skittles
3. Thou shall let the singer feel thou up
4. Thou shall wear a badge on thy shirt collar or hood
5. Thou shall get tattoos
6. Thou shall kick random objects if they are in thy way (yes that means if they are in Gerard/Mikey too)
7. Thou shall grin with all teeth
8. Thou shall change hair style every year
9. Thou shall wear sunglasses in situations of conflict
10. Thou shall burn everything and call it Cajun


The Ten Commandments of a Chemical Romance

1.Thou shall not put a gun to thy lover's head.
2.Thou shall be willing to die for love.
3.Thou shall seek revenge on those who wrong you.
4.Thou shall be a demolition lover.
5.Thou shall unleash the bats.
6.Thou shall protect thy lover from everything. (even vampires)
7.Thou shall respect the lords , Gerard , Frank , Mikey , Bob , Ray
8.Thou shall sing the holy hymns of the chemical romance.
9.Thou shall see beauty in bloody love.
10.Thou shall rock hard.

The Ten Commandments of the Black Parade

1.Thou shalt except death as it comes
2.Thou shalt sing and march without question
3.Thou shalt face fear and regret
4.thou shalt let go of thy dreams
5.Thou shalt give blood
6.Thou shalt fear thy sins
7.Thou shalt protect thy brothers in arms
8.Thou shalt darken thy clothes
9.Thou shalt not walk this world alone
10.THOU SHALT CARRY ON!!!

You're a STUPID POSER MCR FAN IF.... (hehe)



you can only sing helena by heart.

you think 3 cheers for sweet revenge is their debut album.

you think "gerald" is hot.

you turned emo overnight.

you hate jamia.(She rocks!)

you cry because G.A.W. has a girlfriend.(G.A.W-haha,I prefer to use Gee)

you dont understand the line above.

you say MCR is goth metal.

you dont know about the breakfast monkey.

you dont know who matt p. is.

you wonder if gerard and mikey are relatives.

they are incase you were wondering.

you cried because the didn't win a moon man.(Hey-I'm not a stupid poser fan but I couldn't resist-they just looked so sad...)

you disagree with this bulletin.

didn't know there's a song titled "Cemetery Drive" in 3 cheers for sweet revenge (WHO COULDN'T KNOW THAT?)

if you don't like Ray's fro (DOOOOOOM, haha)

if you would want to rape Gerard, Mikey, or Frankie (sure, leave Ray & Bob out, bastards, as impossible as it seems, it does take all 5 of them to make the music!)

if you didn't know that Helena was a song for Gerard and Mikey's grandma...

----///-\\\----Put This
---|||---|||---On Your
---|||---|||---Site If
---|||---|||---You Know
----\\\-///----Someone
-----\\///-----Who has or has
------///\-----died of
-----///\\\----cancer xxx


I want to thank Gerard Arthur Way. He has been my light in the most dark times in my life. He is the rope that holds me, and keeps my from falling off of the cliff. No, there is no real cliff its just, well, a metaphore...

Gerard Way









Frank Iero



(( I'll add more later ))

Mikey Way





DISPLAY PICTURES







RANDOM PICTURES








[IMG]http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h92/mbuyaheins/gerardmikey.jpg
[/IMG]












Will you butter Gee's muffin?








My hobbys, as of now, are singing, and acting. Also art. Gotta love it
xP... Well I
love to role play, I also enjoy talking with new people, and animals.
I'm a major cat and dog person, I just love their soft fur. Anyways,
I'm Hannah Christina, uhmm just to answer the question 'am I single'
No. I love my boyfriend very much thank you. He is miiiine! Not
yours! Get used to it. Don't ya wish your boyfriend was hot like
mine!! I have one cat named Ross, and another named Chester field
be-barnaby III, and then one named Chloe. Then my brother has a cat
named Amber and one named Dimitri. I also own a golden retreiver, and
my mom owns our other dog. My dogs name is Faith, and then her dogs
name is Snickers. Like the candy bar, cause she looks like one..
yuck.. I love chocolate, and I love to sing. I'm more of an
introlvert, and I strongly beleive in god. I thing that love is more
important then romance, just simply because its a part of life. Life
is to love. In my opinion love, can be many diferent things. It can
be "Eros". The greek love that we feel for our significant others.
"Philious" The love we feel for our familys. I feel this way towards
most of my friends, such as Adriana. And then "Agape" The love that
God has for us. The ultimate love. You can feel 'Agape' For your
spouse or love, and even family member or friend. It means you love
them so much, that you would give your life for them. I feel that way
towards most of my friends. Just since you asked, my ambition is to
become a famous piano player/singer. I have only a few. I think i'm
fair at writing storys and I can sing well. I can also play the piano
fairly. I do tend to smoke a little bit, only with matches though.
Drugs, never. I don't know about sports. I love nightwish and
hardcore rock as such. I tend to be the more extroverted type. My
hair is short sassy and blond. My eyes match it perfectly with their
hazel gleam and golden chips. My favorite food? Tortillas. Thats all
for now! Mail me if you like!

One of my favorite love quotes.

Love is eternal - the aspect may change, but not the essence There is
the same difference in a person before and after he is in love as
there is in an unlighted lamp and one that is burning. The lamp was
there and was a good lamp, but now it is shedding light too, and that
is its real function. And love makes one calmer about many things, and
that way, one is more fit for one's work.

~Vincent Van Gogh

Although yes, love broke me, twisted me, bent me, sent me on a bender, I am still faithfull to it. I have a glass heart, fragile, shatters easily, but can be molded, and turned into a liquid when under the right temp. I like the idea of death alot, but I don't wanna die yet. I have a purpose here, and won't leave until I figure it out, and acomplesh it. I swear, i'm a vampire. I live nocternaly. Ohwell xP. I write stories at night. Lol. So its good for you all.



Dart is not my friend, brother, and I don't give a hoot what happens.
Bitter, cold, and dark is all the vibes I pick up
from him, and until he learns how to treat people, then I will not
talk/converse with/of him. He hurt me, ruined me,
cracked then broke my porcelain heart in a million pieces that have
yet to be picked up. I'm just holding on to the
ones I manged to catch as it broke.

He had picked me up, held me close, and fought off the bad, and pain,
and told me many things I had been longing to
hear for all of my life, and here I was hearing them from the one I
would least expect it from, my brother. And then he
put somthing special into me, induvidguatly, or how ever you spell
that word. But then things grew colder, the nights
got longer, and the light at the end of the long, hard, dark tunnle
seemed as if it were slowly fading. And to my
horror, it did. he told me many things that shattered everything I
knew, had, and would have. Everything but my
induviduality. That remains with me. Although it is the reason that
we grew apart, had a falling out, and would never
speak again. He hated who I had become. He hated me. and wouldn't
speak to me. He shunned me for walking away from the
pain, when he had seen angle do it many times befor, only to pull her
back! But he liked her more, allways did, and I
knew it. I had to fight for what I got.. She didn't. She was allways
in his favor. Allways, and I knew it. That is
probably why it hurt so much, why I tried, on a night I will never
forget, to kill myself. Yes I did, I admit it, and
yes I am still here, alive, only because I was dumb and didn't
overdose enough. Now my life, as of late, is ruined. But
i'm slowly collecting the pieces and putting them together. I can
recover and mold back into somthing new, stronger, and
harder. I'm made of glass. Glass can allways be put back together,
and blown into somthing new, and exciting. Unique,
and creative. All I want is to have one friend, one friend, that will
NEVER walk away from me, even if I do somthing
wrong, if I upset them. Some one who will ALLWAYS forgive. ALLWAYS! I
TRY not to hurt, anger, and chase people away,
but if I do, its not my fault. Its my induviduality! Its who the hell
I am! So, if i'm to much to handle, if I'm a
burdon, what the fuck! Say so! Don't lead me on! I've been hurt
enough! If anyone hurts me more then I can take, by god
I swear i'll be in heaven so fast you won't be able to say "Oh My
God!". My only goals in life, are, and don't say
they're silly, because I WILL acheive them. They are, to become a
famous singer, that will change lives, save lives,
and make a difference, and also to meet My Chemical Romance. And I
will do them. With or without anyones help. I'm
already becoming a singer as I get older, and as soon as I get the
chance, I will meet My Chemical Romance. I WILL.
Even though i've been hurt, I recover, I heal, I mend. And that is
just one of my many gifts i've been given by god. I
hapen to look at the glass half full, almost every time. I play the
glad game. I am happy, although depressed. It makes
perfect sence to me. I have, after years of searching, finaly found
who I am. And I like me, and will allways be me.

Just in case you were wondering, if i've ever mentioned Dart to anyone of you. Fucking bitch that he is. So anyways...

HERE ARE SOME PICTURES OF ME














Me lip syncing to "Hakuna Matata"





My headboard...







Time started: 7:05 am

Sex: Female

Birthday: 12/09/93

Siblings: 1 brother

Eye color: Hazel

Shoe size: 6

Height: 5'3/5'4

What are you wearing: Grey MCR teeshirt, and skull PJ bottems

Where do you live: For me to know and you not to know

Righty or lefty: Righty

Can you make a dollar in change right now: No

Who are your closest friends: Tayler, Adriana, Mom

Best place for a date?: Here? That I know off the coffee shop down the road

Where is your fav place to shop: The mall, and the hot topic..

Favorite kind of plant: Roses

Fave Color: Black Red and Grey

Fave Number: 17

Fave Boys Name: Gerard

Fave Girls Name: Marie

Fave Sport: Soccer

Fave Month: December

Movies: Corpse Bride, Pirates, Anything with Winnie the Pooh. All the disney Movies.. and yeah...

Juice: Apple

Finger:Random... Uhmmm my middle finger?

Breakfast food: Pancakes, and scrammbled with cheese eggs...

Favorite cartoon character: Cartoon charie? Brandy, from brandy and mr. Whiskers... hehe...

Given anyone a bath: No..

Smoked: Yes..

Made yourself throw-up: No...

Gone skinny dipping: No..

Eaten a dog: No!!!

Put your tongue on a frozen pole?: Yes.. my tongue is hurting now...

Loved someone so much it made you cry?: I think...

Broken a bone?: Yep...

Played truth or dare: Oh yes.. hehe...

Been in a physical fight: And the ending resualt was me, with my dislocated shoulder...

Been in a police car: Uh uh... nope...

Been on a plane: Just last tuesday.. It was fun! Lol.. I've been on planes since I was 6 months old!

Come close to dying: Yep.. A few from sucide attempts, and then once from being so ill with malaria when I was one years old..

Been in a sauna: Nope...

Been in a hot tub:Yep...

Cried when someone died: No, but I should have though..

Cried in school: loads

Fell off your chair: Hehe, many times...

Wait for someone's phone call all night: Mmmhmmm. And He never did...

Saved AIM/Yahoo conversations: no

Saved e-mails: Yes

Fallen for one of your best friends: No..

Made out with JUST a friend?: Nope..

Used someone: xP...yeah...

----------------------------------------------------------------
What is...
----------------------------------------------------------------
Whats your good luck charm?: Used to be my locket, but that broke..

Best song you ever heard: I know it'd be by MCR but I can't pick from them... To many great songs there.. xP

What's your bedroom like: Pink, happy, waaaaayyy to bright... The headboards cool though...

Last thing you said: I don't remember.. been silent for this to long -_-

What is beside you? To the right is a messy cabinet with my comics on it, and to the left is a huge bed frame with a futon on it...

Last thing you ate: Yougert.. how ever you spell that...

What kind of shampoo do you use?: Some times special hair care stuff, and most of the time VO5..

Best thing that has happened to you this year: To many recent events to choose from...

Worst thing that has happened to you this year: My depression...

----------------------------------------
Have you had...
----------------------------------------
Chicken pox: No

Sore Throat: Yes

Stitches: No

Broken nose: I broke it myself too! I punched my own face to keep from punching some one elses... le sigh...

---------------------------------------------------
Random stuff...
---------------------------------------------------
Believe in love at first sight: No, but I believe that some guy could be attracted by some girls looks, and then want to get to know her... Then it can turn into love...

Like school: Pssshhhh, If I liked it, I wouldn't be taking the rest of this year off..


What schools have you gone to: To many..

Eat a live hamster for $1,000,000. dollars: Nope

If you were stuck on an island, what 3 people would you want with you: Tayler, Gerard Way, and my Mother...

Who was the last person that called you: No one ever calls me...

Who was the last person you slow danced with: I don't dance..

What makes you laugh the most?: Nothing I can think off...

What makes you smile?: Tayler, and My mother...

---------------------------------------------------
Last Person..
----------------------------------------------------
You yelled at: My mom xP

Who broke your heart: Dart...

Told you that they love you: My mommy! xD

Is your loudest friend: Adriana

------------------------------------------------------------
Do you/Are You:
------------------------------------------------------------
Do you like filling these out?: Yes xO

Do you wear contacts or glasses: I'm getting contacts.. Colored ones too!

Do you like yourself: Wouldn't change who I am for the world!

Do you get along with your family: Mostly

Stolen anything over $50: No way!

Obsessive Compulsive?: No.. Ugh, but my uncle is! Its so annoying!

Anorexic?: Gross...

Suicidal?: Eh hemm... next question?

-----------------------------------------------------------
Final questions
-----------------------------------------------------------
What are you listening to right now? Nothing..

What did you do yesterday: Listened to MCR, tried to call Tayler, and yeah all that...

Have you hated someone in your family: No

Got any awards: No

What car do you wish to have: A red small convertable with the lissence plate "Mirror"

Where do you want to get married: In college church in Massachusettes, and yeah...

If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change?: I'd want to be a better musician, and a better singer...

Good driver: -nods- Yes, i've learned from the best..

Good Singer: I supose.. Ask my friends...

Have a lava lamp: No, but I want one damnit..

How many remote controls are in your house: Like 5?

Are you double jointed: My jaw is...

What do you dream about: Gerard Way, Music, Penguins, and yeah.. random stuff..

Last time you showered: Yestderday.. since I havn't had the chance to yet...

Last time you took a bath: A few months ago?

Scary or happy movies: Happy Scary... so yeah.. both at once...

Chocolate or white chocolate: Chocolate...

Root Beer or Dr.Pepper: Root Beer

Mud or Jell-O wrestling: Jell-O

Vanilla or chocolate: Chocolate

Summer or winter: Summer

Silver or Gold:Silver

Diamond or pearliamond

Sunset or Sunrise: Sunset

Sprite or 7up:Sprite

Cats or dogs: Both

Coffee or tea:Coffee

Phone or in person: In person

Indoor or outdoor: Indoor

End Time: 7:28 am



How My Chemical Romance Saved My Life

My Chemical Romance has saved my life. Many, many times. I love their music, sure. But they've done more then that. From events that have built up, I get depressed easily. I don't want to waste your time on giving you the details on how, why, and what I do when I get depressed. I used to cut, just to see the blood. Then, I started having feelings that weren't how I was suposed to feel. That's when it went all wrong. Then, I found myself cutting, because it turned the pain I was feeling into somthing that some one would see. I remember when my parents finally noticed. I was crying. Misserablely I took the sissors, dug them deep into my wrist, and pulled as hard as I could. I blood soon after started gushing out. I hadn't felt it at all. Then I started feeling it after I saw the blood. I listened to My Chemical Romance before that, loved them before that. Let me give you the full story, just so it makes a bit more sence.

The first time I heard of My Chemical Romance, I thought

"The hell? What kind of a name is that? Its soooo weird!"
Then I saw their picture and thought they needed a reality check. Then I looked at more pictures. My thoughts were something like:

"Damn, they have problems!"
But the thing was, back then, I had light brown hair, and hung out with the queen bee of the public elementary school. I had a crush on the most popular guys in our school, and I loved pink. I hated My Chemical Romance. I hated them. I could yell,
"Fuck you MCR!" but thats just the thing, I was as preppy as they came. I didn't know what it meant, but, I was.


Before we moved to the U.S.A, my family and I used to live in Africa. We were missionarys in mozambique. I loved it there, and it loved me. So did the people. Everyone knew me. And everyone knew my mom and dad as "Parents of Hannah". Mia de Ana(Mom of Hannah) and Pia de Ana(Dad of Hannah).
But then we moved when I was eight years old. I could kiss the warm weather good-bye, and loose just alitte feeling. See, everytime I move, I loose some feeling. So, everytime I move, it seems just alittle less like home. Then after I had just started feeling at home again, my family had to move again. I didn't think much off it then, and actually I was glad. Why, I don't know, and I wish I hadn't been so glad.

Then we told my grandpa. After we told him, he started getting sicker. Then weaker. He would fall, and for hours, wouldn't be able to reach a phone.

He wouldn't press his button that would call us, cause once he did, and the paramedics came. He hated them, since they tried to take him to the hospital. He didn't want that. He obviously didn't like hospitals. So, he never pressed his help button. He would wait until he felt strong enough to reach the phone and call my mom. Then, he started getting even more weak, and sick.

Then my mom started going over and spending the night. For weeks she did.

Then one day when I was online chatting with my online boyfriend, she told me that grandpa was dieing and that she was going to go for half an hour. I told my boyfriend i'd be back in half an hour, cause he was dieing. I went with her, and stood by his dieing, frail, skinny, weak body. I watched him as he struggled to breath. He would gasp for air, then reliese it. I was only eleven for pittys sake! I shouldn't be watching some one die that young! My Aunt Sally told my mom to put on some classical music so that it would calm him. I heard it, and faught back the tears, that some how weren't comming. I was stuffing it all. Then he took his final breath, smiled, and died. Just like that, some one left me. No more grandpa. No more christmas's with him. No more thanksgiving dinners with him. No more smoke-filled house smell when I came and viseted. No more visets. Gone. So quickly. Some one I had known all my life, was gone.

Then, we moved. I left my one and only friend behind. Sure, I had other people I liked, and who liked me. But I can't call them friends, since I can't talk to them about everything. I could talk to Adriana about EVERYTHING. And I left her. Just like that. No more band. No more buffy parties! NO MORE. GONE. Just like that...
I lossed more feeling.... le sigh...

Well, atleast I still had Max. My boyfriend. A few months after moving, I got an email from his saying he needed more time to enjoy outside, and that he was breaking up with me. I laughed. How could I have seen this comming? I couldn't have. I supose i'm just espuestas. Everything I talked to, touch, and become friends with, leaves me. Or I leave them. Okay, yeah see.... I never bothered to well... relate any of these events together.. Its helping.. Back to the story..

I went to music/dramma camp that week. I met a boy named David. He was in highschool, but I could still crush, couldn't I? He was the son of the Music camp director, Sandra. He loved music as much as I did. He played so many instruments, just like I did! We had so much in commen, yet so little. The first class we had that week was dramma. The teacher, who later became my friend, asked for two volentears. They needed some one to play a reporter, and some one to play a pirate. I took the part as the reporter. We practiced hard. The girl who played the pirate's name was Sarah. Sarah Kay. On wednesday we got to preform it for everyone. It was amazing! I messed up, because I was reading my lines, since I still hadn't memorized them and read one line twice. I was talking into the microphone, and even said "Oopsy" into the mic. But everyone laughed and thought it was funny. Finaly, I had a bit more feeling back. I was having fun again. I had totally forgotten about my boyfriend, and grandpa. For now.

Then, I started feeling depressed again. It just came out of no were, and hit me like a brick. It hurt, but I couldn't feel. I was lost in a sea of feelings that weren't there. I call that feeling 'the non feeling'. Because its a feeling all is own, but I feel nothing. I can't really explain it, but, i'm sure at one point in your life you'll feel it, or have felt a small bit of it. Unless your life is totally non-shitty. Unlikly though. Its a feeling of abandoned-ment. Feeling like no-ones got your back. Like no one really cares.

I love to role play, so I wasted away on the computer night after night. Some times pulling allnighters. Singing to the music that I had on my computer, while I typed a reply.
Then I met two people, on a roleplay. Dart, who eventually played my characters husband. And Angel who played his other characters wife. We would call eachother "Brothers, and sisters" since we were eachothers only friends. We loved eachother. They were both eighteen, while I was 13. Dart would encourage me to do my school work. And tell me that I could actually do it, and that I wasn't stupid.

I had been told I was stupid all my life by friends, teachers, and my brother. But the one that really got to me was my teachers. Because teachers are like the essence of smart, right? Haha. Well when I was in third grade, still in Africa, they put me into second grade math. So I was there with all the second graders. Quite embaressing. Believe you me.
Well, the math teacher would call me names, infront of her class. Let me see. Lazy was one of her favorites. But the one she never ceased to use, was "stupid". It would ring in my head, and never go away. It would break my little heart, that at the time, was a openly fragile heart. It was made of glass. And no one bothered to check why I was so "stupid". But see, what we didn't find out until we moved was, that I have A.D.D, I need glasses to read and write, and i'm a VERY slow learner when it comes to those dreaded things we like to call numbers. Then one day, she called me stupid, and told me somthing that i'll never forget. She said that I was a mistake. That God had not meant for me to be born. That some other girl was meant to be born instead of me. A smarter girl, a prettier girl, a BETTER girl. Thats when the lie I had ignored for all that year, became true in my own mind. It crushed me. Again.

But Dart, got me believing that I wasn't. That I was smarter then I thought. That it showed in my ability to write, and role play. I finaly had a different voice shouting somthing different at me. It felt wonderfull.

Angel was the oldest. She was 9 days older then dart, and five years older then me. She would sing to me, and talk on the phone with me for hours! She would tell me that I wasn't stupid, but more over, she was the one I had fun with.

Then Dart started to have pain attacks, and everything went bad again. My life was a twisting and winding road. Up, then down, up then waaay down.

Then I started getting the feeling that Dart, liked Angel more. But I didn't really care that much. Just as long as they had my back, and were their. Thats all that mattered.

Then one night Dart started to yell at me, and poke names at me. He had never done anything like this before! I was hurt. I was hurt very badly. So I went to a forum, and began to tell my friend about how much it had hurt me.
Well, it just so happend Dart had gone to the same one, and saw what I wrote.

He called me up, with Angel on the other line, and told me that we weren't going to be friends anymore, and that he never wanted to talk to me ever again.

Angel didn't even stick up for me, and she had heard everyword. She could have, and she didn't.

After, a few minutes of sitting in silence, Angel called me back, and told me how sorry she was. I should have told her that she could have stuck up for me, but she didn't. But, me being weak (back then), I told her it was fine. What a whimp! I could have stuck up for myself, but I didn't. Le sigh. Again.

Just like when my teacher would call me stupid, I could have stuck up for myself, and said that I wasn't. But no. I never did. I started dating Angels brother, but then Dart turned him against me, and he left me. Then Dart turned Angel against me, and I just let them all go. Not protesting, since that would've only made things worse.

Sooner than later, she came back, asking to be my friend. I told her that it would be fine, again me being weak and not really being able to stick up for myself. She did that twice after that. Then again, came back. A few weeks after I told her that I didn't want to be her friend, because all she did was leave, then later come back. I told her that it was killing me, and that I just could't handle it anymore.

Within 48 hours, I got letters from my ex-boyfriend(her twin brother), Dart, AND Dart's sister. Dart said that he would hurt me if I ever hurt angel again. Dart's sister said that she wanted to talk to my parents, and that she was going to call later. Angel's brother sent me an email saying that if he ever found out were I lived, he would come, hunt me down, and kill me if I ever hurt Angel like that again.

Now I don't know about you, but I don't think thats fair. She left me 3 times, and I never asked her to come back, or yelled at her. Let alone have three people yell at her for me. Then I leave her once, and she lets the dogs on me.

So, I was left once again alone. That december, my cousin had come for christmas, and showed me the music video for Helena. I knew nothing about it, and thought it was pretty cool. But when it was done, logged it away to the back of my head. Then I saw it again some where, went home and found its video on youtube. I watched that over and over. When I found out it was about Gerard, and Mikey Way's grandmother Elena, I felt like I wanted to cry. Because, now, I could sing that song for my grandfather. Somthing I could remember him by.

Then I started listening to all of their songs. I could actually feel like some one cared. Like some one COULD save me. Sure, I had God, but I can't see him. But hell, I could see Gerard, Frank, Mikey, Bob, and Ray. I memorized most of their songs. I shouted "YES!" everytime I heard one of there songs in public. I would shout "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!--insert band members name here--" On their birthdays, regaurdless of what other people in the room thought of me. I would giggle everytime Gerard Way said 'way' in any of his songs. I was all out MCR. Then I started drawing comics. I started coppying Gerard's artwork. Like the lady on the inside ocover of 'Three Cheers'. I memorized the ten comandments of "My Chemical Romance". Then I started becoming members of fansites. My favorite being 'imnotokay.net' I met so many people who actually cared about my pain. The fans of My Chemical Romance, are not only fans, but we stick together, and are a team, and a family. Finaly some where I belonged! Then I met a girl named Tayler. She had met My Chemical Romance five times! I wasn't jealous. Or I was, but not in the green eyed jealousy. I just wanted to meet them so badly. But I was more happy for her then I was jealous.

Then my world started slipping again. I started feeling sad for no reason. Thats when I started cutting for the blood. Just to see it pour down my arm like a flood. It was my only fun. But then I started thinking no one really cared. Regaurdless of Tayler, and the rest of the 'family'. I then one night, hit rock bottem. I was so behind in school, it wasn't even funny. I could hardly find time that I didn't hate somthing about myself. I would look in the mirror, and think
"Yuck" or "Damn, why can't the acne or what ever just go away!"
I then, one night put on My Chemical Romance, and fell on the floor. Not crying. Not feeling. Not anything. I stared at the wall, for hours. Then I got up, found some sissors, dug then deep into my wrist, and yanked back, with them still embeded into my wrist. I saw the blood gush out. I didn't notice it hurt, until I saw the blood. I layed back down, staring at the wall. I had hit fucking rock bottem! Then my mom came in, saw my wrist, and freaked out. She turned off my music. I screamed. That was the only thing keeping sane! I mean c'mon I came up with the shitty quote:

"One by one the penguins steal my sanity"
Then I took somthing I heard from some where about the skittle eating nija penguins and twisted it into the skittle eating penguins of doom. And actually once I with my best friend Adriana last time I went to see her about two weeks ago, and pranked called some one screaming about how the skittle eating penguins of doom where going to get him. He called back the day after and asked me what exactly the skittle eating penguins of doom were. I made up a bunch of shit, and got him paranoid. It was funny. Oh god the good 'ol days of prank calling. Fun.

Well, we finaly ended our talk, and it turned out some how with me getting a keyboard, and a new amp for my electric guitar. And actually since i've gotten those it helps. I figured out how to play "Helena" on the piano, and i'm making songs left and right. All of them inspired by My Chemical Romance. GO MCR YOU FUCKING ROCK!
Well, everytime I feel sad/nothing, I listen to My Chemical Romance. All the pain disolves. It just leaves. My art is better. My singing is better. I dress in all black, and i'm happier. I wear dark make up and i'm happier. I think about one day when i'll meet Gerard Way, and the band, and i'm satisfied. I want nothing more then to be a singer, meet the band, and be a comic book artist. Just like Gerard Way. If I was ever asked by my homeschool, or somthing to write and essay on who I admire most. It would be Gerard Way. He's helped me through so much. The whole band has.

One time, I tried to kill myself. I thought of it as a way out. A way out of everything I hated, all the pain, and the agony. Then I remembered Gerard Way. How he's come so far. And I thought 'If I go now, then I won't ever help, or change lives like he has. I won't be able to do anything good for anyone. I'll be fucking dead. I wanna make a difference. I wanna make a change! I wanna help people! I wanna become a singer! Just like Gerard. I wanna help people like me, who need it." So, from there on, I havn't tried to kill myself, or cut. I'm not saying that I won't cut. There might be times that I will, but, i'll get help for it. I will. Just not now. I don't know where to go from here, but i'll find a way in the dark of depression. I will find a way, and lead the lost out aswell. If I die, it will be for a good cause, or because God decides its time. Not because I decide!

My Chemical Romance, has saved my life. More than once. But even in my most jaded moments, they were there, singing me to sleep, when I felt alone. So, thats how they've saved me. Thanks for reading all about my pain. I know it wasn't fun, since it was probably boring. But if anyone in My Chemical Romance reads this:

Thank you so much for just being there when I need you. My Mom and Tayler are the only people i've got. But your everything i've got. I have two friends, and one favorite band. One idol. Thank you so much for just existing. Thank you for just being! I can't wait to hear your next album! Don't know anything about it, but i'm sure i'm going to like it! I love all your albums.

With love, and trust, and everything i've got,

~~Hannah Christina Marie Nicole Francis Heins

~~And my alter ego Malissa