AnKoR.1.08

Hi, I'm Meagan,

I have a very special cousin, her name is Caitlin, she has saved my life several times through the years. She never tries to do anything big, she's just always there. Like, she used to be homophobic, and then she found out that most of her friends were gay/bi, so she was like 'oh, ok so they arn't that bad' and then she was just freaked out by lesbian girls(because she was molested, OK? don't judge). Anyway, I've known I like girls since I was really young, it was before my grandmother got cancer, so I had to be 10 or younger. but I always was like 'you unnatural, ugly, stupid, fat, idiot. learn to figure out what is right and normal.' So anyway, last month I got up the courage to tell my cousin that I was bi over IM the convo went something like this:

Meag: I have a secret that I want to tell you but you cant tell anyone else.
cait: OK I won't tell
cait: I also have something you can't tell anyone else, but I'll tell you that this weekend.
Meag: OK
Meag: now I'm not sure I want to tell.
cait: you can trust me
Meag: I'm scared
Meag: Ok, fuck it
Meag: I like someone
cait: okay
Meag: it's not someone you would expect.
Meag: It's a girl.
cait: wow.
Meag: I know.
cait: who is it?
Meag: i don't want to tell you
cait: OK
Meag: It's *******(Blocked her name out, don't have her permission to say it on here)
cait: Awww that's CUTE!!!
Meag: it's not cute it's gross.
cait: no it's not.

anyway, she's just really been a good friend through this whole thing, she even told me I could come and live in her closet if I wanted to(long story)... I just thought that I should say something about how importaint she is to me.

Oh and she made me her only living hero on myspace!!! that makes me very happy!!

Now the real about me:

On December 23, 1992, a beautiful baby was born to two less-than-deserving parents: one was bi-polar and didn't care who's life he messed up, just so long as his wasn't restricted, and the other is a close-minded, needy, selfish, restricting, idiotic person, who thinks she knows everything about her kids, but doesn't know them even in the least.
*time laps*
i don't really know when it started, but at some point or another, my daddy got an un-natural attatchment to his little girl. I am not afraid and do not hesitate to tell people that I was raped, molested and, well, not sure what it is called, but I was forced to stick my face where a little girl shouldn't have ever even seen. I am not afraid to tell you all this, not because, I'm a impulsive liar who says thing for attention, but becuase I don't see the use of hiding from the past. I don't see the use of not living your life as an open book. If you live this way, not only can no one really hurt you, but you also feel good about yourself because you don't have anything you can't tell someone. My only downfall in living this way is with my being bi. I can't tell most anyone I know, because I don't want to loose the life I have now and have to go live in some 'rehabilitation center' for homosexuals, or have to talk to the minister about my 'sinful' feelings.
*WARNING* you don't have to read this paragraph, as it may be hard for some to read, I'm going to tell about what my daddy did to me. I just need to tell someone who will shut up and listen *WARNING* I am afraid to take a shower. I have to stop and count when I am in the shower and I hear a door open. I have to convince myself that he is not comeing back to make me do it again. sometimes I am reduced to tears because of my fears. just because of a few minutes in a shower. I don't remember how we got in there, but I remember he was naked, and was holding me. We were in the shower, and he put me down. I went to the other side of the bathtub, wanting to be far away from the things that his body was showing. But he put his hand on my back and pulled me close to his body. He pulled my head, which was a the perfect height, close to him. I knew what he wanted, so I did it. I put my mouth on him and closed my eyes, willing myself into another place.
That moment in time has affected every moment of my life, and probably will affect me for the rest of my life. I am tortured by what I did. I know it wasn't my fault, but I can't help but think 'Whore' when I think about it. I didn't just let it slide, when I couldn't take it anymore, I told my mom, 'Daddy touches me' But she didn't keep my secret, she went and told a whole bunch of people, all of which questioned me about what happened. After months of going to see psychologists, it was determined that I was lying, 'Because, no 4-year-old knows what vagina means, so her mother told her what to say.' but i remember, I was there when it happened. I will not forgive all those 'Child Protection' agents who sent me back to see my daddy. i will never forgive the judge to submitting me to further abuse. But, eventually, I grew too old for his tastes, and he went and found some one else's daughter to abuse. I wish I could have prevented that sweet Woman from marying my daddy, and submitting her sweet daughters to his awful hands, but I tried, and she didn't hear, so yet another girl is walking around, the awful memory of being the perfect height to reach it, the awful memories of trying to go to another place, a place where fathers don't touch their daughters.
I have tried to find this place, in my dreams, but the memory is still there. If it weren't for my wonderful cousin(mentioned above), who gives me a reason to live with her vivid stories of the life we will have when we grow up and move to Flordia and share an apartment, I am sure I would have found a place where fathers don't touch thier daughters. In the grave, there is no thought, no touch.