Asiah Scott
Joining The Black Parade
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 194 | July 5th, 2008 at 11:01am
Thanks Cherokee,.
*Hug*. xDxDxD |
Kitty Clover
Jazz Hands
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 292 | July 8th, 2008 at 12:01am Teardrops Hitting the Ground was so beautiful and so much emotion was put into it. I was drawn into it and love the way you expressed that poem. I was in awe *.*
The Feeling was also amazing and very unique and my favorite lines were:
An indescribable feeling,
An indelible stain,
I try to efface it from my heart,
But it lingers on igniting pain.
That was my favorite part although all the lines really spoke to me and those poems have just such a real quality to them. :] |
Asiah Scott
Joining The Black Parade
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 194 | July 8th, 2008 at 06:28am awww..Thanks Nekotora. xD
*Hugs*. That means so much to me. XD |
Asiah Scott
Joining The Black Parade
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 194 | July 9th, 2008 at 09:46am *Where Are You Mom?*
Tick, Tick, Tick
Where are you mom?
Its 3 am.
Morning is about to approach,
Night is about to bid farewell,
And still there is,
no mark,
no sign,
of you.
My eyes are glued to the door,
Lumbering, yet they refuse to fall,
To fall asleep.
I am an insomniac now,
Even sleeping pills are inutile,
Cause this time, its different,
Its chronic,
Its excruciatingly painful.
Albeit, there is one remedy,
It is you,
Yes, it is you mom.
But I have explored all unknown territories,
Yet, I return subjugated.
I have searched all the vacuums of darkness,
And the tenebrous caves,
I have looked at all the hidden prisons,
And the lugubrious graves.
People affright me mom,
They tell me you have demised.
I know they are prevaricators,
Who can only tell black lies.
But, Dad!
I dont know why he is evading,
Evading from the truth,
Like he doesnt want to reply.
He keeps faltering,
And sheds a cloudburst of tears,
When I tell him not to lie
Mom...
Can you hear me?
I cant live without you,
Even Dad cant,
And I know you are not dead.
Where are you mom?
Morning is about to approach,
Night is about to bid farewell.
Where are you?
Oh,
I can see my teardrops hitting the ground.
I am the witness,
The proud spectator.
But I dont want to be,
I dont want to cry,
Please tell me mom,
That you are still alive.
I still want to snuggle in your arms,
I still want to hear you croon in my ear,
I cant do without your encouragement mom,
I dont know how I will live all these abominable years.
And look where fate has brought me now,
It is the bane of my life.
Today,
I will be the witness,
The proud spectator,
Of your incineration.
Of your cremation. |
Cherokee
Banned
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 2300 | July 9th, 2008 at 02:13pm Holy shit! That was amazing!
BTW, I love the way you start many poems with Tick, Tick, Tick, or Splash, Splash, Splash...
It really gave it a great flavour =).
Now, this was aamzing, sister ^,,,^.
My favourite parts:
People affright me mom,
They tell me you have demised.
I know they are prevaricators,
Who can only tell black lies.
Where are you mom?
Morning is about to approach,
Night is about to bid farewell.
Where are you?
Those were very deep, not to forget mentioning the ending.
From where idd you get the idea? OMG it was so touching.
Great story. More.. more!
|
Asiah Scott
Joining The Black Parade
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 194 | July 9th, 2008 at 02:17pm hehhe....lol.
Thanks Sister. xD
Thats all that I have learnt from the big INO family. xD |
Tilly and the Wall
Bleeding on the Floor
Age: 31
Gender: -
Posts: 1850 | July 10th, 2008 at 10:48am First off, I absolutely love your vocabulary here, it adds a bit of sophistication. However, you can maybe tone it down a bit, because I feel that it slightly shifts the reader's attention off to the words sometimes.
The poem's really good, I think you've come quite a long way here, and I like the way you're beginning to express emotion better. It can do with a bit of italics here and there, maybe some lines breaking off from the stanzas. You see, you do know how to write; now the next step is to add effects and a tone, to give the reader more of an idea of what you are trying to say in subtler ways. This way the reader can understand which lines are more important, or when to take another breath to read, or to read slowly. Semicolons and colons are also great for breaks, and they make the language beautiful. 
I'm proud of you, and I'm really glad to see how much you've improved, Dania :] |
Asiah Scott
Joining The Black Parade
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 194 | July 10th, 2008 at 10:51am Thanks Najia.xD
I really appreciate that.
*Hugs*...lol |
Kitty Clover
Jazz Hands
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 292 | July 10th, 2008 at 11:25pm Oh wow that poem Where Are You Mom? was so beautiful! I loved the vocabulary you used and the way you showed emotion through the story, the whole thing is just breath-takingly good ^_^ |
Asiah Scott
Joining The Black Parade
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 194 | July 11th, 2008 at 11:44am Thanks Nekotora. I am glad you liked it. xD
A *hug* for you too. lol. =D |
the sharpest lives.
Shotgun Sinner
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 8710 | July 15th, 2008 at 02:28pm Daniella, your poems are amazing.
I love your vocabulary, and just the way you write is fantastic.
You have a great talent. =) |
Asiah Scott
Joining The Black Parade
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 194 | July 16th, 2008 at 08:45am Thanks Sarah. xD
I really appreciate that. xD |
the sharpest lives.
Shotgun Sinner
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 8710 | July 17th, 2008 at 03:52pm You're welcome =) |
