Domestic Violence

So,what's your opinion on domestic violence.
Why do you think it happens?
What should be done about it?
Why do you think it takes the person being violated so long to leave the situation?

Why do you think it happens?It happens because the person committing the violence has mental illness of some form - usually control issues, intense fear of being out of the loop (eg demanding to know where you were if you were five minutes late), they're usually manic-depressive to some degree. The huge swings from aggressive to remorseful to laying blame at the victm's feet, that kind of thing. Perhaps they've had bad experiences in their past (eg been abused by parents, been cheated on by a former partner) that have led to this behaviour, but the simple fact is, is that it's a form of mental illness and they need to seek help.
It's a scary thing to witness, and even scarier to be on the receiving end.
What should be done about it?That's a tricky question. What should be done about it after it's reported (ie prosecution, counselling, etc), or what should be done to stop it happening, or what should the victim do? For starters, the victim needs a support network around them, which is hard at times because a classic abuser's pattern is to isolate their victim from family, friends, and anybody who could help them escape or stand up to him (and I say 'him' because it's generally the male abusing his spouse, but not the case 100% of the time). Eventually, the victim's self-esteem is at such a low point they feel that they can't ask for help, which leaves them stranded in this environment.
People who commit domestic violence need to be forced into therapy/counselling for a mandatory minimum period. There are issues there that need to be addressed or the cycle simply continues on with the next partner, and the next, and the next. They may not think there's anything wrong with them, but an experienced counsellor will be able to guide them to see that their behaviour is wrong, find the source of the behaviour, and begin working to counteract it.
Why do you think it takes the person being violated so long to leave the situation? There's the issue of fear, to start with. The abuser has control over the victim, the victim has emotional ties to the abuser, and hopes that if they just work at it, the behaviour will improve and the abuser will once again become the person the victim fell in love with. Because nobody is violent right from the outset, or the relationship would never develop - they are charm personified until the relationship is established, and then little by little their guard breaks down and they show their true colours - by which time the victim feels it's their fault, that they've done wrong, and that if they modify their 'bad behaviour' to mollify the abuser, the relationship will return to what it was at the start.
In some cases, the victim has been isolated from friends and family (perhaps the abuser has moved them to a new town and the victim has been too afraid to make new friends), their self-esteem has been completely destroyed, and they are simply too afraid or too ashamed to ask for help - because it's not as simple as packing a suitcase and walking away.
What will they do for money? Often an abuser has control over finances, to prevent them having access to funds to help them leave. Where will they live? If they have been alienated from family and friends, they may feel that they won't be welcome in others' homes, or that the abuser will know where to look for them. This becomes far more complicated when children are involved, as shelters sometimes can't accommodate children. What if they don't have a car, how will they get away? An abuser could very easily trace bus or plane tickets, especially if they're married - most people wouldn't even think of the consequence, they'd just hand over information. And walking gets you nowhere fast. Even if they do find a place to live, money to spend, and a way to get there, how are they going to take all their personal belongings with them? It's easy for an 18-year-old to pack some clothes, some CDs, and a toothbrush and run. An older person, who has built a life, cannot do so as easily - there's furniture, appliances, clothes, books, jewelery, so many other things to take into account. And they can't just say to their abuser, 'By the way honey, can you help me move out this weekend? I'm leaving you,' usually it's a covert operation worthy of military strategists. I know from personal experience that to leave an abusive relationship takes far more inner strength than anybody who hasn't been there realises - I planned my escape down to the minute, decided days beforehand eactly what I would take with me and what I would leave behind, packed secret suitcases and hid them in the wardrobe under winter blankets so he wouldn't see them and suspect (and it made leaving day much quicker and easier being pre-packed a little), organised friends and family to be ready at 8:30am the day I planned to leave (half an hour after he left for work - I had to be out by 4:30 or God knows what would have happened) to help me move all my stuff to a friend's house, and made sure everyone had the same stories prepared in the case of him showing up and demanding to know where I was, who I was with, etc.
Thankfully I had the strength to leave, because I knew that if I didn't, I'd be dead by the end of the year, whether by his hand or my own - I couldn't take much more. And thankfully my family were willing to take me back and shelter me until I got back on my feet - and they protected me from him when he stormed the place one night after I left.
You see, people think that being with the person is the most critical period, but it's not - statistics do show that the time after a victim leaves their abuser is the period they are most likely to be harmed, because the abuser has lost control and it sends them crazy. They can't think straight and will do anything to assert their authority, and a lot of times they go too far and end up killing their victim - it's horrific.

Why do you think it happens?
Because the person who does it has no respect for the other person or has something wrong with them or is just an idiot.

What should be done about it?
Al that can be done is call a helpline i uess

Why do you think it takes the person being violated so long to leave the situation?
because they would be scared and the abuser could hurt them more

Why do you think it happens?
A domenant partner who is either as stated above mentally unstable in some way but not to a degree that they could be given proper full help; or it's happened in the family, they are jealous and fear of losing there partner and believe that by giving them metal and physical abuse that they will prove there love for the said partner.

What should be done about it?
There are phone lines to help people in this situation; but there is also women's refuges as well. The biggest problem is that over time the abused partner believes that it is there fault and they are the one's who caused for that to happen, thus they will deny that anything is wrong to family and friends and most likely (at the insistance of there partners too) will cut off ties. But a few people do leave the unstable relationship for fear that they might end up dead, or due to there kids having to watch/see what is happening to them. Though it is probably more well known now aday's than it was so many years ago; though it has been on adverts women who have been in a domestic violent relationship and little to nothing at all is said about men; when it does happen on both sides.

Why do you think it takes the person being violated so long to leave the situation?
If they have kids they would want to stay so as not the tear the family apart. If they are about to have a child then they are probably hoping that the situation will get better once the child is born. Also they could fear for there own life, or even there families life if they left; and after so much mental abuse could easily believe that they deserve what is happening to them and no one would believe what they say.

For anyone who is interested in helping to stop violence against women in general (also violence against women and girls around the world), you may want to check out Amnesty's site.

http://www.amnestyusa.org/Our_Issues/Womens_Human_Rights/page.do?id=1011012&n1=3&n2=39

hopefully, that link works. Not good at this.

I think it happens because the dominant partner cannot control their anger, paranoia and sometimes feelings from previous experiences. They use their anger and violence as a way of enforcing fear on their partner which gives them control over the situation.

I think there is not much that can be done about it after its happened other than calling the police and filing a report.Women often fail see the signs of an abusive partner. Things which seem little in the beginning often are the first of many controlling and abusive habits. Trust you instincts.

It often takes the person violated a while to get out of the situation because they feel alone.Usually abusive partners will cut them off from family and friends and make them believe that no one else cares.This makes it hard for the person being abused to feel like they are loved or that they would have support if they left.
I cannot give any advice for the situation because I myself am in an abusive relationship.
Women often have children and are afraid to put their kids and themselves at risk of harm.
My best advice would be to get out before its too late, that may be hypocritical but leave before you're too tied down by him.

i think its wrong. no matter is it your dad, your mom, your spouse, your sibling abusing you, its WRONG.

but somehow, you just can't seem to do anything about it.

you refuse to tell others, because you're scared that people will find out, and pity you or mock you.

the only chance to leave the situation is when you have the ability to leave the household, and start being independent.

i'm waiting for that day.

i spent the night at my friends house when she had a party. her bf was there and he got really drunk. when he woke up he wanted her to cook for him. she said no. so he started hitting her and spitting on her and ripping her clothes right in front of me. I was 12! they were 15 and 17. i couldnt believe how he was hitting her at this young age. and she still stayed with him.

^ Not to be antagonistic, but topics on the discussion board aren't confession threads. Or sympathy/pity threads, or for sharing personal experiences.
I'm sorry for your friend, but you need to actually discuss domestic violence - use your friend's situation to actually think about it and share your opinions and ideas...
- Why are some people abusive towards their partners?
- What can be done to prevent this behaviour or rehabilitate offenders?
- What kind of punishment should they receive?
- Why do people stay with abusive partners, instead of doing the sensible thing and leaving? Why don't they report their abusive partner to the police or appropriate authorities?

..And so on, and so forth.
I can see you're new to INO.net, so I'm just giving you a couple of pointers to help you out Check out the rules just to brush up on what's expected in the Discussion Board, and you'll get the hang of it really quick.
Welcome to the board, hope you enjoy your stay

I can say a lot about domestic abuse and how it's not right. Even when my parents yell each other it feels like it's torture. Anyone who has that in the family, shouldn't withstand it. If someone ever did that to me, i would go right to the police.
Someone who abuses another person can traumatize them emotionally and mentally.
usually, domestic abuse happens when the family isn't functional, anger problems, drug problems, alochol problems, or that person can have something wrong mentally.
The person that is being abused, should go right away with the authorities, your taking a GREAT risk by just sitting there and letting that person do that to you. I find domestic abuse horrible. Something that can tear someone apart.

Why do you think it happens? One case is when the parents have anger management control problems. They lose their temper all the time and let it out by hitting their children. It sometimes happens when the parents are having problems with money or between themselves. It can also be something that the adults picked up from their parents. They could have been treated the same way when they were children.

What should be done about it? If it is getting really bad, leave. Leave the abuser. If it is a temper problem, you should take the person to see a psychologist. They can help them see why they lose their temper in the way they do and why the react the way they do.

Why do you think it takes the person being violated so long to leave the situation? They're scared. They're ashamed. They're embarassed. They're confused. They're in denial. There are a lot of reasons.

Why do you think it happens?
--Why does anything happen? It just does. I lived in a house where violence reigned, and it was terrifying. There was no explanation. It is not the victim's fault. Ever. Yea, he drank, but that wasn't the excuse. That's NEVER the excuse. Neither is anger management. What he did was wrong, and he needs help. Those are reasons, sure. But nobody should be allowed to explain it off like that, especially the victim or abuser. There are no apologies.

What should be done about it?
--Since it is more of a decision that the victim must make, there should be more outreach to the victim's of such a household. I wasn't really given any help, nobody knew, so I can't tell you what they did wrong, it was only after I was given help that people realized what was happening.
It's not easy to leave, it's not like you can get hit once and then say, "Never again." I mean, you can. People have. But it's not that easy. You want to believe it's never going to be like that. And then it is. And then it's your fault. It's called a Circle of Violence for a reason.

Why do you think it takes the person being violated so long to leave the situation?
--Sometimes, it's like there is no other choice. Sometimes, it's not an emotional connection, but a mindset. When I lived with my parent's I believed that what I was doing was wrong, I fully believed that I deserved it. I believed that there was no other place for me in the world, and that if I would just stop doing what I did, then these things wouldn't happen. I had to break out of that. I had to prove to myself that, no, it wasn't me. It was them.

- What kind of punishment should they receive?
Well,I dont think that they should be "punished".
People abuse their partners,or family members etc because they have a problem,usually mental.
People should not be punished for having a problem.
I think that the best thing to do is get them help,whether it be in the form of counsellor or an anger management cause.These are usually inforced by the courts for abusive partners.
But sadly,this only works if the abuser can admit they have a problem and want to change it,often this is not the case.

Land Shark:

Why do you think it happens?
There's many reason domestic violence happens.
I could be something traumatic that happened in the abusive partner's life, dissapointment in one's self, fear or paranoia, wanting to conrtol the world around them, ect.

What should be done about it?
Sadly, there isn't much that can be done other than calling a helpline, as Mikkey has already said.
If it's still early in the relationship, try to get out before it's too late.

Why do you think it takes the person being violated so long to leave the situation?
Basically, what Mikkey has said is just right. A lot of times the abuser threatens to kill their partner if they leave them.
And in women, there's battered wife syndrome. Basically where you go into a deep submissive state and believe that it's their fault they are being abused.

I was in an abusive relationship for almost 2 years. There are plenty of reasons why people stay in those types of relationships:

(1) Fear of being alone
(2) Fear of retalliation from the other partner
(3) A low sense of self-worth, brought on by constant degradation from the other partner....the victim feels that this is the best they can do relationship-wise
(4) The misguided notion that the other partner will "change," if the victim loves him enough....or that the abuse is somehow the victim's fault
(5) A distorted sense of love or duty to the abuser....a willingness to "stick it out" because you have grown so attached to that person.

As for me, the only reason I left was because basically my ex-boyfriend came pretty close to killing me one day, and I was pretty much terrified into leaving. I figured that even if he were to come after me, and try to kill me, dying would be a lot better than living through THAT hell!!!
Victims of domestic abuse are not really in their right minds. You must understand this when questioning why a person chooses to stay with an abusive partner. Years of abuse tends to brainwash a person into thinking that the abuse is their fault, and that the abuser has more power than he actually does.
When you're having the crap kicked out of you on a regular basis, it tends to distort your thinking.

Ive seen one of the worst cases of domestic violences happen.
The guy was sick in the head,
He was a sociopath
(didnt have a concience,
he doesnt feel right from wrong,
just a big actor)
and you cant get help for that.
His victim was scared,
And he was drugging her,
(and much more)
So she wasnt in such a great state.
I dont think you could of stopped it.
But that guy spent 3 months in jail for killing her,
so maybe something could be done about that!

Well I'm really not sure why it happens, its even happened in my household but i still don't understand why, and I'm not looking for the sympathy vote here because I'm new; I'm a big girl i can stand on my own two feet.

I really think something should be done about it, contacting a helpline social services if children are involved or the police.

I think that the person who is been violated doesn't leave the situation for so long because:
they might have nowhere to go
there scared to leave their partner
there might be children involved

or no matter what they could really love this person after all of the bad things they do, you never know they might have good days and want more of them so stick around hoping that there will be more.