| Author | Message |
|---|
GERARD FAN 4 LIFE
Killjoy
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Posts: 12 | September 25th, 2009 at 12:31pm
Dove
There once was a girl they called “Dove”.
She felt she would never find love.
Home from work her mother soon came,
And found that Dove was not quite the same.
“Dove, my darling, what happened?!?” she cried.
Her tears, although, she could no longer hide.
For Dove could not answer, try as she would.
Her life, she felt, was no longer good.
So people came from near and far,
Not one inch of road was not blocked by a car.
“Her arms!" they cried, "They have cuts up and down them!”
The knives she used? They never found them. |
Search and Destroy
Moderator
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 34535 | September 25th, 2009 at 02:15pm |
riot reality
Jazz Hands
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 295 | September 25th, 2009 at 03:51pm Although it seemed off to me in a few spots, I still liked it. Gave me goosebumps. :] |
GERARD FAN 4 LIFE
Killjoy
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Posts: 12 | October 4th, 2009 at 10:55pm this is in the poetry thread..... |
GERARD FAN 4 LIFE
Killjoy
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Posts: 12 | October 8th, 2009 at 08:05pm im trying to write another poem, but wat i have so far is just part of it...
...she may have a smile, but only for a while.
her hurt she may hide, but inside, she died....
thats wat i have... |
GERARD FAN 4 LIFE
Killjoy
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Posts: 12 | November 10th, 2009 at 02:19pm new poem!!!!
depression is a pain
Depression is a pain that comes from deep inside.
Depression is a pain that many people hide.
Depression is a pain that rarely ever shows.
Depression is a pain that everybody knows.
Depression is a pain that makes me hate my skin.
Depression is a pain that hurts me deep within.
Depression is a pain that makes me lose sleep.
Depression is a pain that makes me weep.
Depression is a pain that says they don't care.
Depression is a pain that lurks everywhere.
Depression is a pain that slowly kills.
Depression is a pain that can't be stopped by pills.
Depression is a pain that tears me apart.
Depression is a pain that hurts from the start.
Depression is a pain that won't show on top.
Depression is a pain that won't ever stop.
Depression is a pain that has an evil plot.
Depression is a pain that hurts us all a lot.
Depression is a pain that leaves it's ugly mark.
Depression is a pain that leaves us in the dark. |
andy_sixx
Jazz Hands
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Posts: 327 | November 12th, 2009 at 08:56pm that's cool, i like it! |
GERARD FAN 4 LIFE
Killjoy
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Posts: 12 | November 18th, 2009 at 11:19am THANX!!!!!! |
xxtoryxx
Killjoy
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Posts: 51 | November 21st, 2009 at 11:15pm wow these are amazing!!!!!
i like them alot!!!! |
GERARD FAN 4 LIFE
Killjoy
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Posts: 12 | November 22nd, 2009 at 06:58pm thank you!!!! |
Pansy Wayero
Jazz Hands
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 372 | November 30th, 2009 at 02:02pm wow i like them both! |
misa misa.
Shotgun Sinner
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 8241 | November 30th, 2009 at 11:10pm hey
the repetition in your second poem was very effective. However, you could try to break it up into stanzas to try and create more movement in the poem. Stanzas can help seperate ideas also. All your lines were rhyming couplets so it would be very easy to divide the poem into stanzas of four lines each, based on this. That might make it easier to read-sometimes when you have extensive use of repetition it can be hard to tell where you are up to. 
I also felt like this poem didn't really conclude. I'm not sure; but i think you lacked a really strong idea to finish it off.
Overall your poems were good. You had some very nice descriptions and some good rhymes.
i hope i didn't sound harsh. Good luck and keep writing! |
