The Confessions Thread

I wish I could forget.
I wanna forget your voice. I wanna forget your favorite color. Your favorite animal. Your favorite kind of apple. The fact that your birthday is coming up. The fact that you were so sweet, and now you're gone. The amazing conversations we had about literally anything and everything. You're gone, why cant the memories go too? It's eating me alive. I'm sure I don't even cross your mind.

I really hope I get this job. It'll be exhausting and difficult, but I need it. I hope I can prove myself.

Half of me is wanting to take the leap and go on that date with you. The other half is telling me to just wait because I'm not ready. Which side is right? Im so confused and scared.

Whoops

not even sure if this is the proper thread for this, but it's something that's been messing with my head lately.
three of the other girls I train with have decided to compete in August. And they keep asking if I will. One is fairly insistent (in a completely friendly way at least), and yeah, I kind of want to, except for how much I don't want to.
would I love to be able to try this experience? Yes. Share it with my training friends? Yes. Would I love to tell me dad and maybe he comes to watch and he can finally see what I put myself through? Sure!
But all I can think of is 1) that ever-present anxiety concerning a brand new experience I know nothing about (as in, how competitions work), 2) I will have to weigh in at the heaviest weight class, which, could mean I would be up against really heavy people, just because we're lumped into the same class, and 3) the all-consuming lack of confidence I have for myself and my "skills." Despite what one person says, and only one person, I feel like my skills are subpar. I feel like my belt is undeserved. And I feel like going into a competition will be one big humiliating experience.
oh yeah, 4) and it's $80

Currently laughing at myself for thinking this would be a nice family vacation. We haven't even left yet and my parents are already angry at who knows what. Silly me.

helena bonham carter:

i am tired of existing.

I hope you know you can always talk to us if you need to

I find that as I get older, I don't seem to gain much more independence from my father.
that is to say, I get upset when I can't go out to him with dinner.
and when he tells me he's no longer able to attend my competition, I break down in the shower and start crying, and I can't even understand why I'm letting myself get upset over the fact that he's not going to watch his grown daughter in something he has no interest in watching anyway. It's not like I'm a kid anymore. So why do I act like this?

I stuck my foot in my mouth. I'm sorry I said what I said the way that I said it, but I'm not sorry for defending myself.

I'm actually kind of scared. I've been feeling anxious all day, and I was afraid to address why, but now I think I know, that I'm scared that I'm about to lose all my friends. Maybe it's stupid. Idk. But my friend that I train with, she's the closest friend I have that I can actually see because she lives just a few miles away. And now that stuff is happening where we train, she's not sure she wants to keep going there anymore, and I'm confident that if we don't see each other everyday like we do now, we'll stop talking to each other. I've lost too many friends just because we never saw each other anymore.

And then on top of that, feeling like I'm getting more distanced from everyone on the wayt lately, I just feel like it's only a matter of time before I'm sitting in alone in my home staring at the wall because I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to, and maybe I'm being melodramatic, but I'm legitimately scared that everything is about to go to shit.

For the first time in years, I'm finding myself being able to be content with someone other than my best friend. I'm genuinely happy. For now anyway. I hope it lasts.

I start my new job tomorrow night and I'm absolutely terrified. I really hope I don't fail. Orientation went pretty good, but it wasn't very hands on. I know I'll have to take in a lot of information in a short period of time. I just really hope it works out because I need it to. Please, for once, let me excel at something.

I'm putting this here because I'm really upset, but I don't want to bring anyone else down with my stupid feelings. But I just don't get it.
How the fuck am I gaining weight by eating nothing. Yes, I ate today. I had cereal for breakfast, and green beans for lunch, and somehow, through that, I gained two pounds.
and I'm so freaking frustrated that I can't get past this. I'm putting so much damn pressure on myself to get to a certain weight in what is now less than a month, and it's not getting there. and I'm trying so hard not to do something destructive to myself to make up for it. and it's getting harder and harder to stop myself.

It's been a while since I've been this upset. I really wanna know why someone felt the need to lie and make me lose my job. I didn't even get to plead my case and prove my innocence. I swear, I did everything they said I didn't. I swear I wasn't lazy. I worked my ass off. I did my very best, just to have it slip through my fingers. I had one of the best jobs in the state, and now its gone . Nothing I can do. I planned on doing so many things that needed to be done. Getting my own place, getting that new car I desperately need. And now all that is impossible. I just feel hopeless. I really hope things turn around soon.