The Confessions Thread

I wish I knew what career I want. My mind is always racing and changing. I wanna be able to go to college and just get shit done and improve things.

also

I wonder why I dreamed about you last night. You've been on my mind a little lately. But it was so vivid. Like you're still here.

I know why I'm emotional. it's that damn time of the month
but what I don't understand is why it's always the same things that bring me down every single time.

Last night I dreamt I had a boyfriend finally. I can't remember who it was and that's almost as upsetting as knowing it was only a dream

I really dont wanna argue with you, but if you wanna come at me, go ahead and try. You never win.

This place used to be my home. I miss those Narin/Elsa/Jim/Yara days.
I'm so old now. I can't even believe I'm 24. I was on here when i was 15 for god's sake.

So i keep thinking about how I almost got into another accident yesterday, in the same intersection as my first accident
and I can't remember what happened. There was a car in the opposite direction signaling to turn left, as I was coming up, just like before. I was focused on them. Then a truck from the intersecting road pulled into the intersection just as I did.
So one of us ran a red light, and that's what I can't remember.
Idk if it was me? I thought I was looking at the light too because my first accident happened when the light was yellow, so I always watch for that now. But I just can't remember
and it's making me really apprehensive about this intersection. If it was the other guy who ran the light, then I just have bad luck there, which I can't do anything about.
And if it was me, then I hate myself for fucking up so badly

I just wish I could remember, or rather, stop letting this bother me altogether
I don't want to have to always associate that intersection with bad thoughts

I just wanna feel whole. Im afraid it'll never happen. My emotions wont budge.

I can't believe it's been a year since the studio opened. Yesterday would be to the day. Today, to the date. Tomorrow would be my first day back to the day, (monday to the date, of course. Anyway...)

This time last year I hadn't trained in about a month. I hadn't seen a bunch of people I missed in about a month. Now it's been a year and I'm three stripes closer to a new belt. I've got more friends than I thought I'd ever have. I've started losing weight for the first time since ever.

And it's all just so incredible to think about. I still remember how when I walked in on the 27th last year, somehow I was the first one there for that sunday open mat, and stephen was just opening the blinds, and he was so excited to see me again that he gave me a hug, which I didn't expect. Hell, the next day he wanted another hug from everybody he'd already seen because he missed everyone. And that scene still makes me laugh because he was like a giant kid

Idk where I'm going with this now, but I feel like there's some importance weighted into this weekend and I don't want it to go by unrecognized

This place is dead. It hasn't been this depressing since, well, ever. When I was young, I can honestly say that MCR brought me down. I took it way too serious. It cast a shadow over my youth. And I mean, yes I started listening to them, I discovered them by my own. But even though, I enjoyed their music, they did not make me feel better. There I said it. I grew up, I threw away those hideous piercings in my face and thanked god I didn't get an even more stupid tattoo. The things you do when you're sixteen.

I like the asmr videos that make it sound like I'm in a hospital

I swear I see the universe every time I look at you.
I'm still trying to get over you.
I'm trying my hardest.
It's just so hard to flush away and forget eight years.

I wish I was strong. I wish I was brave. I wish I didn't give a damn.

So I'm thinking I have asperger's, but I don't think I can tell anyone about it. Mental Health workers I looked up information for therapies because I do want to talk about it, but when I researched it I got back memorizes of being treated like a piece of meat so I can't do that.

I really want some guidance from an older adult, but I know so few and all the ones I do know are crazy. All the professors I've had I haven't really connected with and/or they are crazy aaaaand my mom is really unstable still. It's very much like she is two different people. That is no exaggeration and it's frightening especially since one of her "personalities" wants to "fix" my mental illnesses (when she's being reasonable I can talk to her about it, but it's her instability that I can't get near). There's so much in my life I need to talk about not just that, but I need someone. I can only get so far on my own and I know it. Someone who believes in me and doesn't see me as the classless ditz I know everyone else thinks I am.

I need an escape. I need someone to talk to in real life. I mean, I know I have people to talk to, but nobody to actually help me. I need help.

I need to make a post about this, and idk, maybe I'll put something about it on tumblr too, but here at least I can be personal.

So I earned my blue belt in jiu jitsu today, and there's still moments where it doesn't feel real. Obviously I was hoping for this. And once it was announced there was going to be an actual day devoted to promotions, I started thinking about it way more. And I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up because I was still one stripe short of belt advancement.

But last night when I went to bed, I was filled with this overwhelming dread that it definitely wasn't going to happen. This is weird, and this is big. This is three years of training that went into it. So I'm proud, even if it seems small or insignificant to others.

okay one more thing about it, hopefully

I wasn't the only person to get a new belt today. Four other people got one. Two of which were long past due, one was right about ready anyway, and one... who is married to the instructor.

not to say she doesn't have the skill. But she's only been training a year, compared to the rest of us who have been training two years minimum, which is the requirement for a blue belt. she's good. She can definitely hold her own, but it still bothers me. Maybe it's just because suddenly we're at the same level now. Maybe it's because she's the instructor's wife. idk. I'm happy for her, and again, I think she can wear it and have the skill to back it up, but I just don't feel right about how she got it.