The Confessions Thread

I don't even know what to feel at the moment but just pure sadness, but I guess that's okay, I have to believe i'll be okay. that maybe i'll find someone to talk to, to hang out with or something. My anxiety is really frustrating, I used to be able to go outside alone, but now I feel like if I do, all these horrible thoughts will come and I'll feel more lost and alone than ever. I have this ache in my heart again and I don't know what to do about it

I'm not sure how I want to word this. I don't always feel good about things. Lonely, hating myself, etc. But sometimes I think about some of the things in my life that I have, and am so lucky to have, because I don't know where I'd be without them.

The first thing is this website. I have made so many great friends here that I can talk to about anything. After high school I lost touch with just about everybody I called "friend." I spent the summer alone, until I fell here. I honestly don't know what would have happened to me without them. It's been almost four years, and I could have spent those four years alone, with no friends -- no companionship, and a serious wonder if I would have made it those four years.

The other thing is jiu jitsu. That started two years ago. I can't even say how greatful I am for that having become a part of my life. It gives me something to do at night. It's real people that I can talk to in person, not that internet friends aren't great, but it's nice to hang out with people. What's more, I could not have been luckier to fall into the school that I did.

I wish I could word this the way it makes me feel, but there it is... two things that mean a lot to me that probably drastically changed my life

I honestly don't know why I think I'll be able to save up that much money. Sure, it's really not much, but between paying bills and having to help some people pay their bills and so on, it is a lot. My paychecks aren't much at all. And I figure it'll be sold out by the time I'm finally able to save it up anyway. I guess since I'll never be able to see MCR live, I don't wanna miss this opportunity. I don't wanna be selfish either though. I still wanna help however I can. The concert isn't until September, we'll just have to see what happens.

I'm really starting to hate Sundays. All it consist of is me being the only person bussing tables in the entire restaurant, and them getting pissed off because I can't clean every table at once. It's not a small restaurant, and Sundays are extremely busy. Or heaven forbid I leave a booth dirty for five seconds because I'm cleaning another table in another room. And them getting mad because I'll let a half full cart sit for a minute because I'm getting them ice or whatever else they need but are too busy to get. Or helping them carry out food to tables, but not being able to carry the super heavy trays. I'm sorry I can't clean five tables, get ice, help carry out food, wrap silverware, and help carry out dishes all at once. But neither can yall. I'm sorry you have to "go behind me" and wipe water rings off tables. I'm sorry yall lie about what I do/don't do to help you out. I helped a fuck ton yesterday, but it wasn't good enough I guess. I carried out all the food I could before I had to clean booths again. I'm not a waitress, so I can't answer phones or run the register. If you want me to be able to do all that, then by all means, take a few minutes out of your time to show me how. Oh, you don't have time to? Then don't complain. Trust me, if I didn't need the little bit of money I make, I wouldn't be there. Yall even said you hadn't had a busser in over 4 years. I guess some people need to complain even if they got what they wanted. Oh well.

i cant tell, honestly, if I miss you, hate you or want to carry on like nothing's wrong.
Fuck you, for doing this. Fuck you for kissing me. Fuck you for asking what my name was.

I think...
I think I love him.
but not the fairy tale "in love" bird singing love, but more of the if he asked, id have a family with him and potentially be faithful.

I know it was a little over five years ago, but it still pisses me off every time it crosses my mind. You lost my ring. Not just any ring either, an expensive, really real ring. I trusted you with it, and you "lost it". I know its really no big deal, but the fact you didn't take care of it when you promised you would still upsets me. My grandma paid a hefty amount for it when I was little, and I'd like it back. Even if I could get it touch with you, I know there's nothing you can really do. It pisses me off way more than it should. I just hope if in the future someone does come across it, it can be returned. It can't be replaced.

I'm really glad to see that people still come on here. I haven't been here for months, and since finding out that MCR broke up I have been avoiding this particular website. This place used to be a safe haven for me, I could come here and vent about everything, no one would judge me, and everyone would offer support. I feel like it's different now. I feel like whenever I come onto this website I get judged by everyone, and no one is there to offer their support. I feel like (but don't know) it would have got worse since they broke up.

I'm very thankful for the band, and all the change that they have made, and all the hard times that they got me through. But I feel like this is definitely an era over in my life.

The problem is: I don't want it to be over; I'm scared that it's over.

I know I complain too much, and other people have way worse problems, I just gotta get stuff off my chest. It helps me feel better.

I cannot stand that I'm treated like a child while im 21 years old. I thought it was bad when I was 16, or 18, but now its worse. If I could afford to move out I would. Sucks my work hours are about to get cut again, but that's a different story for a different day.

I don't miss all of the old me, merely bits and pieces. I have yet to find who I truly am but I vow to have fun doing it.

I'm just tired of everything. I'm tired of my jobs giving me shit hours. I'm tired of having almost nobody to talk to. I'm tired of my emotions constantly changing. I'm tired of being the only person seeing that I'm gaining weight. I'm tired of having absolutely no future. They say if you don't like how life is going, change it. I wish I knew how. Fuck.

I smelled Jason's hoodie that I found in hte back of my closet, three different times today. I refuse to speak about him, but evidently smelling his hoodie is more effective way to deal with my lingering pain.

I like to think I'm good and ready to start my life anew yet I find myself longing to drive another needle into any vein I could find.

"There is no time, only clocks"
I spent my youth in the form of a robot, controlled by something I thought was greater than me. I spent much of my time experimenting with ways to spew the evil within me. Nothing was wrong but I wanted to die. The world didn't need me but I was scared of failing at it. Suddenly I wasn't scared anymore and tried poisoning myself. I've made myself so violently ill with sleeping pills yet I wouldn't die.
Even pregnant I tried to die. The fetus inside me couldn't save me from the darkness that took over. I didn't deserve her. I'm lost for words when it comes to how thankful I am that she was spared. She'll have a good life. Something greater than I was looking over us during those 37 weeks of pregnancy.
I used to cry for no reason and think "I can't have depression." Was I stupid?

i wish i could just be at ease with myself and not so angry about how i realy feel.
It's one thing that I can't sleep now, but, what happens when I marry someone else? What happens when I can't sleep then?