The Confessions Thread

I haven't done anything to my hair in over a year. It looks terrible. I wish I could afford just a haircut. I feel so ugly.

Of course the only job offer out there is the one place everyone complains about. Everyone I know who's worked there left within months cause it's so bad. I think there's a car wash in town that's hiring. I just don't wanna work somewhere new, have it turn out so bad I have to leave, and be in a worse spot than I am now.

I accidentally let slip to my dad how much I dislike my birthday. I wish I hadn't because I'm not even sure why I hate it so much other than that it depresses the hell out of me, and I don't know why it does. and now he knows, and he thinks there's something wrong.

It's our three year anniversary Thursday. Surprisingly, I'm kind of excited. I haven't been excited about much of anything these past few months. I hope it lasts. It's a nice feeling.

I think I'm reaching a new low in self esteem. I know for a fact that my father loves me, but I started convince myself last night that my dad must have resented me for a while as a kid because I was probably the last time my mom and dad ever had sex, which led to him straying, which led to a strained marriage for the next 18 years.
Someone who pays for new tires for my car surely can't resent me, unless he feels guilty for once having done so.

Or then I think about how if my sister never had kids, we'd probably never talk, as though the only reason she talks to me is to keep herself in my good graces so she can call upon me to be a babysitter whenever she needs one.

That's my problem. I know I'm wrong, but I keep coming up with reasons why I shouldn't be.

Every so often I come back to this forum, for the sense of nostalgia :')

Cringing at my old posts!!

I think I'm the only 21 year old who thinks my years are slipping away and I'm getting too old too quick. I'm not ready to get older. I still have yet to figure myself out. It's scary thinking that I may reach 30 and still be exactly where I am now. It's scarier not knowing how to change it. Ugh.

After some self-analyzing, I guess i feel so old because everyone I went to school with is either married, having kids, or both. I always felt like those are things we'd all do in our mid-late 20's. I'm one of the only who has yet to do any of those things. Not that I'm in a hurry.

I really just don't want to talk to anyone anymore. I just want to go away for a few days and clear my head. I don't want anyone, besides my mother, knowing where I am. I know I can't do that though. I tried not talking to anyone and being alone, it blew up in my face. So, that's out. I guess I'm scared of what could happen to me if I don't try and do something. I feel like I'm capable of doing something bad to myself. Or maybe I'm not. I really hope not.

Why can't I just try to do something for myself without it blowing up in my face? It's so frustrating feeling trapped all the time. I don't try to things for myself often. It's a rare occurrence. But when it does try to happen, it fails. Maybe I should just stop.

I know better. I know you told me anytime between 3 and 4, but if I show up without asking if you're home, chances are you won't be. It never fails me. I know you're busy and can't always answer my texts, but seriously, how hard is it to send a one word text? Every time I head to your house without making sure you're there, you never are. I'm not about to sit around with your mom and wait for you. Seriously, just let me know what time I need to leave. Just a single number will suffice. Just stop making this difficult. I know things happen that put you behind schedule. I understand that. But there's no reason that you can't tell me whether I can still come at the scheduled time or that I need to wait a bit. I'm used to giving you 30-60 extra minutes to get shit done. But come on. A text would help a lot. Just one.