| Author | Message |
|---|
XxDead DivaxX
Bleeding on the Floor
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 1698 | January 11th, 2009 at 11:30am
What does it mean when your boyfriend/girlfriend is on the bed, gasping for air, and screaming your name?
...
It means you're not pushing the pillow down hard enough! xD |
Bella Muerte!
Really Not Okay
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 632 | January 11th, 2009 at 07:35pm Homemade Water
One Day, Norma Elizondo Had an idea about making homemade water. So She Decided to make a glass to have her housemaid Eva Taste Test. She had made it successfully, and handed the glass to Eva. Eva Took a Sip and spit it out on the floor. Eva Complained about how Acidic the water tasted. Norma says "It shouldn't be. It came fresh from my stomach and up through my mouth!" |
sherlock!
Crash Queen
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 30830 | January 13th, 2009 at 07:26am XxDead DivaxX:What does it mean when your boyfriend/girlfriend is on the bed, gasping for air, and screaming your name?
...
It means you're not pushing the pillow down hard enough! xD
lmfao this made me lol so hard. xDDD |
Gerard Way.
In the Cannibal Glow
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 53288 | January 15th, 2009 at 12:03am
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LONDON TOO LONG
1. You say 'mate' constantly
2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3 for a pint.
3. Anyone not from London is a 'wanker'
4. Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern Wanker'
5. You have no idea where the North is.
6. You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
7. The countryside makes you nervous
8. Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
9. American tourists no longer annoy you.
10. You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day"
11. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car in the city.
12. You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN MANCHESTER TOO LONG
1. You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer it'. "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.
2. You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester.
3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive.
4. You support Man City out of principle.
5. You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of it.
6. You think Londoners are 'soft southern wankers'... until they kick your head in at a footie match.
7. You get a freckle and consider yourself 'suntanned'
8. You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
9. You won't pay more than £1.50 for a wrap of skag.
10. People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is.
11. Zzzzzzz.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LIVERPOOL TOO LONG
1. You have an urge to steal
2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap
3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'
4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are
5. You often wonder why so many Scousers leave Liverpool and never come back.
6. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
7. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'
8. You think that Albert Dock is 'for the tourists'. What tourists?
9. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.
10. You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any more
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG
1. You say 'pish' all the time
2. You say 'aye' all the time
3. You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's pish'
4. You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of pish, like'
5. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet
6. You punch everybody you meet
7. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.
8. You are incomprehensible.
9. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from
10. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words 'Edinburgh' or 'England'.
11. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LEEDS TOO LONG
1. You are unaware of any other club culture except Leeds
2. You get secretly excited when people say Leeds is the new big thing.
3. You fool yourself into thinking you can afford to shop at Harvey Nicks by going to the restaurant and ordering a water- and taking five hours to drink it.
4. Ladies: you dress like a tart out of Ibiza Uncovered for a night out.
5. Gents: you act like a wanker from Ibiza Uncovered for a night out.
6. You'll go into a designer shop at the start of the new season and ask how much something will be in the end of season sale.
7. You go around Harvey Nicks to see what's in fashion, then run over to TopShop and buy something similar - and then lie about where you got it from.
8. You see Leeds United players beating someone up/shagging a blonde in Majestyk and don't think anything of it.
9. You think Londoners are ponces and that London is 'crap', but you've never been as you can't afford the fare, and mum won't let you borrow the mini.
10. You hate students - even though you are one.
11. Leeds is the centre of your universe - you can't ever imagine leaving. Until you leave, then you can't ever imagine going back.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG
1. You say "I'm Grand" all the time.
2. You drink Guinness as if it is a sixth food group.
3. You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.
4. You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks good.
5. You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.
6. You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.
7. You say "That'd be grand" all the time.
8. You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan
9. You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.
10. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes
11. You say "Your man" all the time.
12. You say "Your woman" all the time.
13. You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time.
14. You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for you by someone's mammy - at 30.
15. You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'holler "Bad touch!" |
Gerard Way.
In the Cannibal Glow
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 53288 | January 15th, 2009 at 12:44am A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.
The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.
Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.
"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.
"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"
She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.
"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.
"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".
"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you." |
Gerard Way.
In the Cannibal Glow
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 53288 | January 15th, 2009 at 01:06am
A young South-East London girl went down to the Social Security office to get her family allowance.
The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten." she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne," she answered.
"They're all named Wayne?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call "Wayne" and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'Wayne, come and eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their surname."
|
dom howard.
Banned
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 46925 | January 15th, 2009 at 01:30pm  Loved those ones you posted ^ |
Frnk iero.
Awake and Unafraid
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 11747 | January 16th, 2009 at 12:42pm Gerard Way.:
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LONDON TOO LONG.....
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN MANCHESTER TOO LONG......
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LIVERPOOL TOO LONG..........
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG.......
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LEEDS TOO LONG......
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG......
 Omg I love those!
|
Freddy
Always Born a Crime
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 5079 | January 17th, 2009 at 01:39pm What is blonde, has six legs and runs through Michael Jacksons dreams?
Hanson. |
t'lema
Salute You in Your Grave
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 2109 | January 18th, 2009 at 10:47am I think only UK people will get this:
What's the difference between Madeliene McCann and football?
Football's coming home.
What's worse than the McCann's taking your kids on holiday?
Gary Glitter bringing them back. |
playground eyes.
Awake and Unafraid
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 14066 | January 18th, 2009 at 10:29pm ^ No, the Madeliene McCann story was pretty publicised, in Australia we knew about it. |
IceHog69
Bulletproof Heart
Age: 31
Gender: -
Posts: 25232 | January 19th, 2009 at 04:12am Star Crossed Lover: ^ No, the Madeliene McCann story was pretty publicised, in Australia we knew about it. I think she means the 'football's coming home' bit. There's a song that goes 'football's coming home, it's coming home, it's coming' etc etc
_________________________________
There was little boy travelling to America with his mom. They were sitting on the plane, and the little boy was looking out of the window. He turns to his mom, looking puzzled. "Mommy, how come you get big birds and little birds, and you get little people, and big people, but you never get little planes?". He mom smiles, and says, "Why don't you go an ask that stewardess?". So the little boy gets out of his seat and walks over to the stewardess and asks her the same question "How come you get big birds and little birds, and you get little people, and big people, but you never get little planes?". The stewardess smiles, "Did your mom tell you to ask me?". The little boy nods. "Well, tell your mom, it's because American Airlines always pulls out on time." |
Gerard Way.
In the Cannibal Glow
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 53288 | January 19th, 2009 at 07:28am Bert McCracken:What is blonde, has six legs and runs through Michael Jacksons dreams?
Hanson.
|
Gerard Way.
In the Cannibal Glow
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 53288 | January 19th, 2009 at 07:31am (Sorry if this joke offended anyone. I found it on the internet and thought it was really funny xDD )
Q : What has 200 legs and no pube hair?
A : Front row at Jonas Brothers concert.
|
playground eyes.
Awake and Unafraid
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 14066 | January 19th, 2009 at 09:35am ^ 
ftw!! xDD
______________
The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher lady.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
______________
There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."
"Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies.
"OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"
Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers."
There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
______________ |
Freddy
Always Born a Crime
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 5079 | January 19th, 2009 at 12:21pm Why are black peoples palms and the soles of their feet white?
They were on all fours when God spray painted them.
What do you say if you wake up in the middle of the night and your TV is floating across the room?
Drop the TV, nigger!
An old lady knocks at a door:
*knock knock*
person inside: "Who's there?"
old lady: "I don't remember" and she starts to cry uncontrollably.
What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Throw in your washing.
What's green and smells like fish and pigs?
Kermit the frogs finger.
(not racist, by the way. They're just jokes I know (: ) |
Lostinstereo_
Thinking Happy Thoughts
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 402 | January 20th, 2009 at 11:53am (quote)
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG
3. You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's pish' - not glasgow talk..lol but funny 
10. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words 'Edinburgh' or 'England'. that is so true...lol:/
_______________________________________________
these are terrible but fuckin hilarious 
whats the difference between a trampoline and a baby?
you take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline
why do you put a bay in a blender, feet first?
- to see the look on its face
Whats pink, silver, and runs into walls?
- a baby with forks in its eyes |
Anonymous..
Killjoy
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 2 | January 20th, 2009 at 01:57pm Q. Why did the housewife cross the road?
A? Wait - better question..Why was she out of the kitchen?!
Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. They have a clock on the stove. |
IceHog69
Bulletproof Heart
Age: 31
Gender: -
Posts: 25232 | January 23rd, 2009 at 07:25pm Have you met Buzz the racist chainsaw?
Run N*gga-n*gga-n*gga-n*gga. |
Gerard Way.
In the Cannibal Glow
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 53288 | January 25th, 2009 at 01:10pm A joke for everyone xD Oh btw, if this joke is not appropriate for the thread, mod, please delete it. :]
A Cultural Comparison
TRAVEL :
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
FRIENDS :
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
PATRIOTISM :
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
TV :
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
SPORTS:
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
ENGLISH:
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.
SHOPPING :
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
BEER :
Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
BELIEFS :
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers. |
