OFFICIAL SICK HUMOUR TOPIC

A man walks up to his wife one day and says " Honey you should put slim-fast in your underwear...might make your fat ass loose a few pounds." he laughs. The wife extremely unimpressed walks off. The next day when the husband is looking for underwear in his drawers he shouts "Honey! why did you put talc powder in my underwear?!" The woman replies "Its not talc powder its miracle grow!" haha

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.",replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."



One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered:
"An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like the way your thinking!"

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman.
He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."



Q: Why do men masturbate?

A: It's sex with someone they love.



Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy.
The doctor tells each of them that, if they indulge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, "I don't care if I die, I need a drink." The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.
The gay guy looks over and says, "If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead."



An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.
The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."
The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

^

This boy comes home from school and notices his parents’ bedroom door is open. He looks in and Dad’s on top of Mom, fucking her. The little boy freaks out, and the dad looks up and goes, “Son, go to your room I’ll be there in five minutes and I’ll explain to you what this is all about.” Now the dad’s freaking out because first of all he hasn’t had the talk with his son, and second of all the son’s seen him now fucking his mom.

So he goes down to his son’s room and looks in, and his son’s on top of grandma, fucking her. The dad goes “Son, no, this is wrong.” And the son looks up and says, “Not too much fun watching your mom get fucked, is it Dad?”

Space Brain:

This boy comes home from school and notices his parents’ bedroom door is open. He looks in and Dad’s on top of Mom, fucking her. The little boy freaks out, and the dad looks up and goes, “Son, go to your room I’ll be there in five minutes and I’ll explain to you what this is all about.” Now the dad’s freaking out because first of all he hasn’t had the talk with his son, and second of all the son’s seen him now fucking his mom.

So he goes down to his son’s room and looks in, and his son’s on top of grandma, fucking her. The dad goes “Son, no, this is wrong.” And the son looks up and says, “Not too much fun watching your mom get fucked, is it Dad?”

theif.

the bride emily:

theif.

oh yes.

Man who walks through turnstyle sideways is going to Bangkok.

^ A similar situation happened with a child by the name of "Johnny Upmoore"

xP

Lostinstereo_:

A man walks up to his wife one day and says " Honey you should put slim-fast in your underwear...might make your fat ass loose a few pounds." he laughs. The wife extremely unimpressed walks off. The next day when the husband is looking for underwear in his drawers he shouts "Honey! why did you put talc powder in my underwear?!" The woman replies "Its not talc powder its miracle grow!" haha

lol

^That's hilarious.

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.
Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".
Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.
Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".
Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".
That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.
He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".

haha love little johnny jokes

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

^Hahahahah, that's amazing

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

^Lmao

So, a man and his wife were working in the garden outside their home. The man looks over to his wife and says, "Honey, you have a huge ass, I bet its bigger than our grill." With that, he goes to the garage and gets his tape measurer. Then he meansures her ass and says, "Yep, its bugger than the grill." About an hur or so later, the man and woman went to bedd. While the man kept trying to make love to his wife, she kept refusing. "What's wrong?" asked the man. The wife said, "You think im gonna fire up this big grill for a little hot dog?"

Lucy: Teacher...can my mommy get pregnant?
Teacher: How old is she?
Lucy: 37
Teacher: Yes, she can get pregnant.
Lucy: Well, can my sister get pregnant?
Teacher: How old is your sister?
Lucy: 16
Teacher: Yes, she can get pregnant also
-a few minutes pass-
Lucy: Can I get pregnant?
Teacher: How old are you Lucy?
Lucy: 7
Teacher: No, you arent old enough to get pregnant
Danny sits behind Lucy in class, he pokes her and says...
Danny: See, we've got nothing to wory about