OFFICIAL SICK HUMOUR TOPIC

What's better than a dead baby nailed to a tree?

A dead baby nailed to a puppy.

LMAO!

Ok so i found some stupid jokes at the back of one of my old school diaries so i thaught id post them so here you go enjoy...

what do you call a cypriot with a tie?
a dickhead

what do u call a cypriot with two shoes?
a dickhead

what do u call a cypriot soccor player?
a dickhead

how do you kill a cypriot?
put an ENTER DICKHEAD sign at the edge of a cliff

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
it was dead

why did the other koala fall out of the tree?
he thought it was a game

how did the kangaroo die?
Two koalas fell on its head

why did the other kangaroo die?
He thought it was a game

why did the zoo go out of business?
all the animals started playing games

whats the difference between a black baby and a white baby?
two hours in the oven

what do you call a mexican who lost his car?
Carlos

why did the blond get fired from the m&m’s factory?
She kept throwing out the w’s

Wats a blond idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door

How do you keep a blond busy?
Write ‘Please Turn Over’ on both sides of a piece of paper

Wat do u call a blond skeleton in a closet?
Last years hide and seek winner


THINGS TO DO WHILE ORDERING PIZZA

1. ask for a vegetarian meatlovers

2. order a big mac xtra value meal

3. press numbers on the phone while ordering and ask the person taking the order to stop doing that

4. end the call with – “remember we never had this conversation”

5. answer their questions with questions

6. stutter on the letter P and order a pepperoni pizza

7. ask wat the order taker is wearing

8. rent a pizza

9. ask if you get to keep the box, wen they say yes heave a sigh of relief

10. imitate the order takers voice

11. burb loudly then blame the dog

12. order a slice not a whole pizza

13. order two toppings then say “no they’ll start fighting”

14. start the converstation with “my call to the pizza place…take 1”

15. when they repeat ur order say “again with a little more OOMPH”

16. make the first topping mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “no mushrooms please” then hang up

17. change your accent every 20 seconds

18. keep changing the order then say “you just don’t get it do you”

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!"

lmao! disgusting but funny!!!

XD!
sick humor man!

official sick humour for the win!!

Pizza addition: make a detailed order and then ask for no crust. I did that once.

Dead babies:
What's red and goes round and round in circles?
A dead baby on a cieling fan.
What else is red and goes round and round in circles?
A dead baby on a lawnmower blade.
What starts out pink and soft and three stories later is mushy, red and wet?
Michael Jackson's baby

Quadripelegic jokes:
What do you call a quadripelegic in a swimming pool?
Bob.
What do you call a quadripelegic hanging on a wall?
Art.
What do you call a quadripelegic lying in front of a door?
Matt
What do you call a quadripelegic in a pile of leaves?
Rustle

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream when placed in an oven.
How many Jews will fit in a Volkswagen?
Two in the front, three in the back, and fifty in the ashtray.

What do you call a bunch of black people pushing a car up a hill?
Black Power.
What do you call a bunch of white people pushing a car up a hill?
White Power.
What do you call a bunch of Asians pushing a car up a hill?
Yellow Power.
What do you call a group of Mexicans pushing a car up a hill?
Grand Theft Auto.

Why does Mexico always lose at the Olympics?
Because everyone who can run, jump or swim in already in the U.S.

Belgium: The only country to never successfully invade Belgium.

Liberal Californian: You shouldn't make jokes at the expense of Hispanics. It's offensive.
Conservative Texan: Not nearly as offensive as what they did to my grandpapy at The Alamo.

Lmao, they're hilarious.

A blonde joke I oce heared:

There once was a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*

not sure if this has been said yet, but its my fave dead baby joke ever

how many dead babys does it take to paint a wall?
it depends on how many you throw

Whats the difference between a dead baby and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop up a dead baby.

XD i love the priest/girl one XDDDD

Whats the best thing about being an Ice addict?
Three sleeps until christmas

I got this joke from somewhere but i cant remember....

One day a married woman was in bed with her lover while the husband was out at work. Suddenly her 9 year old son walked into the room, saw them together and at that exact moment the father arrived downstairs so the mother had to put her lover and son in her wardrobe to hide them. The boy strikes up a conversation with the lover in the wardrobe.

Boy: It's dark in here...

Man: Yes it is.

Boy: My baseball and baseball glove are for sale, wanna buy?

Man: No thanks, kid.

Kid is about to open the wardrobe door when mother and husband are outside.

Man: Fine - how much?

Kid: £500.

So the man hands the money over. The next day the father asks his kid for a game of baseball but the boy tells him he sold them.

Father: How much did you sell them for?

Boy: £500

Father: Hom much??? Well you obviously lied about the value - im sending you to confession.

The boy gets into the confession box.

Boy: It's dark in here....

Priest: Don't start that rubbish again!!!

Joke from German Class (or Duetsh Klasse! HA I DO PAY ATTENTION!!!)
What do you call it when you have a lawyer covered in cement up to his knees?
Not enough sand.

Jokes from CONFORMATION CLASS that I learned from my PASTOR!
Eggs, Wife, Children, Dough. What do all these have in commen?
They can all be beaten.

Kid: Mommy! Mommy! I hate my sisters guts!
Mom: Shut up, and eat what's put in front of you.

Kid: Mommy! Mommy! I missed Daddy!
Mom: Shut up, and reload.

Kid: Mommy! Mommy! I can't stop running around in circles!
Mom: Shut it, or I'll nail your other leg to the floor!

Annnnnnnnnnnd... thats all I got....

lmao


What's better than 42 dead babies in a mailbox?
One dead baby in 42 mailboxes.

Didn't Gerard get one of these for Christmas on LotMS?