OFFICIAL SICK HUMOUR TOPIC

Why did only 15,000 Mexicans attack the Alamo?

Santa Ana only requisitioned three Astro vans.

whats the worse thing about fucking a 8 yr old?
getting blood on your clown suit

Yeah, Southerners love ass-kicking.
Unfortunately, in my state, there is now a two dollar fine for kicking the asses of flag burners.
Dammit.

Uh, let's see...

Once there was a really, really handsome white. Physically, he was completely perfect. He wanted a perfect white wife to make a perfect white child and carry on the line.
He heard of a farmer who had the three most beautiful daughters in the world, and he asked if he could take each of the three of them on a date and marry the most perfect one.
He took the eldest, and she was gorgeous. The farmer was sure the perfect man would marry her, but to his disappointment, he brought her back.
"She's not perfect," he said. "She's just the littlest bit- not that you can really tell- bowlegged."
So he took out the second. The farmer was certain he'd marry the middle daughter, but to his outrage, this daughter was returned as well.
"She's not perfect," the man said. "She's just the littlest bit- not that you can really tell- pidgeon toed."
Frustrated, the farmer sent him out with the third daughter. "I know damn well this one's perfect," he said.
And she was. The perfect white man married the perfect white woman, and nine months later she had the ugliest mulatto baby anyone had ever seen.
"What the hell happened?" The perfect man lamented. "I'm perfect. She's perfect. The baby's a monstrosity!"
"Well," said the farmer. "She's not perfect. She was just the littlest bit- not that you could hardly tell- pregnant when you married her."

^^hahaha

lmfao

That was good!

Lawl. For those of you in school- must try these. Not sick humored. But funny- they make me laugh. Must try on english teacher.........

Long, I know. Sorry.


1. Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.

2. Heckle the professor.

3. Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say that you have to tape the lecture for a friend.

4. Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned.

5. Get the other students in your row to do the wave.

6. Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can borrow his chalk to take notes.

7. Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable scientific proof.

8. If it's a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled pi.

9. When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say "He knows." Pick a different person each time.

10. Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your chair, along with your notebook and pen. Say that you have an important meeting to go to, and that the doll will be taking notes for you.

11. Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes.

12. Write a love note. Sign it "a secret admirer". Get someone to pass it to the professor.

13. Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the class. Change clothes every time.

14. While taking notes, write vulgar words every few lines. If anyone asks, say you have Tourette's syndrome.

15. Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he/she asks, say "They were out of apples."

16. Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous lecture. Take notes on both.

17. If it's an English class, ask how the theory of relativity relates to Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream".

18. Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of class. Then wake up and explain that you missed the lecture, and ask the professor to summarize what he/she talked about.

19. Bring a can of spray paint. Use it to take notes on the classroom wall.

20. Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that you didn't have time to eat breakfast.

21. Wear a loincloth to class. If anyone asks, say that it is your costume for the school play, and you didn't have time to change out of it.

22. Tear out pages of the textbook and make little origami animals out of them. Have a whole menagerie by the end of class. Give them to the professor as a token of your esteem.

23. Bring a fishing rod. Try to catch things on the professor's desk.

24. Bring a tape player and a tape of a thunderstorm. Keep it hidden. Sometime during the lecture, start the tape, stand up, claim that the professor has angered the gods and leave. Watch to see how many students follow you after the tape starts playing.

25. Make reserved seating cards and place them on the desks before class.

26. Tell the professor you are on a new experimental cold medication that may have strange side effects. Every ten minutes or so, run around the room screaming. Afterward, claim that you have no memory of what just happened.

27. Claim that you are the new student teacher, and that you are to give the lecture for that class. If the professor agrees, lecture on a subject completely opposite the to subject of the class. If the professor objects, say that the students should have a wide range of knowledge.

28. Switch the professor's lecture notes with your history notes from last term.

29. Raise your hand and ask when the movie is going to start.

30. Bring a flash camera. Take pictures every few minutes, using a very bright flash. If anyone complains, say that you didn't see any sign saying you couldn't bring cameras.

31. Bring a light bulb. Hold it over your head whenever you have the answer to a question.

32. Bring an easel and a paint set. Paint a portrait of the professor during the lecture. Say that it is a homework assignment for art class.

33. Sneeze very loudly. Then, have the person next to you sneeze, then the person next to him, and so on. See how long it takes before the professor sneezes.

34. When the professor comes in, say, very loudly, "Hey! A substitute! All right!" Claim that the real professor said you could have lecture outside.

35. Come to class wearing the same outfit as the professor. Call the professor a copycat.

36. If it's a geology lecture, switch the quartz crystals with New Folger's Crystals and see if the professor notices. Have a hidden camera.

37. Hide a ticking clock under the podium. Call in a bomb threat.

38. Write your assignment on Plato on your little sister's modelling clay.

39. Ask questions in a foreign language you know the professor doesn't know. Act angry when he/she doesn't understand you.

40. Come to class dressed as a professional wrestler. Tell people you joined the wrestling team. Bodyslam anyone who doesn't believe you.

41. When the professor comes in, suddenly scream, "NOOOOOO! Not him! Not professor Johnson!! They let him teach again! Noooooooooo!" then run out of them room. See how many people follow you.

42. Turn your row into a mosh pit.

43. Before class starts, turn all the desks upside down. Sit on them like you would normally.

44. One word: Gladiators.

45. Make requests like people do at rock concerts. ("Relativity! Relativity! Einstein rocks!"

46. Bring popcorn. Throw it and the professor. Complain that these trained animal shows aren't what they used to be.

47. Bring a tape player and a tape of the school bell. Play it every 15 minutes.

48. When the professor calls on you, mumble incomprehensibly. Answer every question in this fashion. See how long it takes before the professor stops calling on you.

49. When you take a test, hire a security guard to stand by your desk and make sure no one cheats off your paper.

50. Make up a strange religious cult and distribute flyers for it during class.

And some mental health hotline:

If you are suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, press 1, repeatedly.

If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 & 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a Manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press ... no-one will answer.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have Bi-polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.

If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far too busy to talk to you.

why is a pedophile like a tortoise?
they both got there before the hare(hair)

Alex...is cool. o_O:

If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

I love that!

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks.

Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called Who Represents where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name wait for it is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice
and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky
website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

Personally I find these jokes sick and anytime guys at my school tell these jokes I want to smack them but since I read this thread I had to post some.

Dead Baby jokes
What is funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.
What is the difference between a baby and a onion?
No one cries when you chop up the baby.
What is the difference between a dead baby and a water melon?
One's fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one's a water melon.
What is the difference between a baby and a dart-board?
Dart-boards don't bleed.
What is the difference between a baby and a mars bar?
About 500 calories.
Why did the family take the dead baby along on the cookout?
So they could light it and toast their marshmallows.
Why was the dead baby kept in the kitchen drawer?
The family used it to crack nuts.
Why do people keep dead babies in the rec. room?
They cut off one leg and use it as a ping pong paddle.
Why do you put babies into blenders feet first?
So you can see the expression on their faces.
Why do they boil water when a baby is being born?
So that if its born dead they can make soup.
Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
It depends on how hard you squeeze them.
How many babies fit in a blender?
Depends on how powerful the blender is.
How do you know when a baby is dead?
It doesn't cry if you nail its feet to the ceiling.
How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.
How do you save a drowning baby?
Harpoon it.
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Pour gas over it and light a match. Woof.
How do you turn a baby into a cat?
Freeze it solid, then run it through a bandsaw. Meeow.
How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
With a blender.
How do you get them out again?
With Doritos.
How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off its head.
or:
A glass of soda water and 2 scoops of baby.
What do you call two abortions in a bucket?
Blood brothers.
What is red and is creeping up your leg?
An abortion with homesickness.
What is a foot long and can make a woman scream?
Stillbirth.
What is a foot long, blue, and makes women scream in the morning?
Crib death.
What do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall?
Art.
What is red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.
What is blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool?
Baby with slashed floaties.
What is red and yellow and floats at the top of the pool?
Floaties with a slashed baby.
What is red and hangs around trees?
A baby hit by a snow blower.
What is green and hangs around trees?
Same baby 3 weeks later.
What is pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What is pink and goes black with a "hiss."?
A baby thrown into a furnace.
What is brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.
What is purple, covered in pus, and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
What is black and goes up and down?
A baby in a toaster.
What is red and hangs out of the back of a train?
A miscarriage.
What is red and goes round and round?
A baby in a garbage disposal.
What is red and swings back and forth?
A baby on a meat hook.
What is red, screams, and goes around in circles?
A baby nailed to the floor.
What is red and sits in the corner?
A baby with razor blades.
What is blue and sits in the corner?
A baby in a baggie.
What is black and sits in a corner?
A baby with it's finger in a power socket.
What is green and sits in the corner?
Same baby two weeks later.
What is black and charred?
A baby chewing on an extension cord.
What is black and white, runs around the room, and smokes?
A baby with his hair on fire.
What is blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.
What is cold, blue and doesn't move?
A baby in your freezer.
What is pink, flies and squeals?
A baby fired from a catapult.
What do you call the baby when it lands?
Free pizza.
What is red and has more brains than the baby you just shot?
The wall behind it.
What is white and glows pink?
A dead baby with an electrode up its ass.
What is more fun than nailing a baby to a wall?
Ripping it off again.
What is more fun than throwing a baby off the cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
What is more fun than swinging babies around on a clothesline?
Stopping them with a shovel.
What is more fun than shoveling dead babies off your porch?
Doing it with a snow blower.
What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.
What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.
What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.
What is red and pink and can't turn round in a corridor?
A baby with a javelin through its throat.
What is little and can't fit through a door?
A baby with a spear in its head.
What is the definition of fun?
Playing fetch with a pitbull and a baby.
What has 4 legs and one arm?
A doberman on a children's playground.
What has 10 arms and blood all over it?
A pitbull in front of a pile of dead babies.
What is red and pink and hanging out of your dog's mouth?
Your baby's leg.
What present do you get for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
What is grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to ten trees.
What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
100 dead babies in a trash can.
What is worse than that?
There's a live one at the bottom.
What is worse than that?
It eats its way out.
What is worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.
Know what's gross?
Running over a baby with a truck.
Know whats worse?
Skidding on it.
Worse than that?
Peeling it off the tires.
What is the worst part about killing a baby?
Getting blood on your clown suit.

I posted before I saw the other ones about dead baby jokes but I guess you can look at this as a more complete list of them.

Here is site with a ton sick humor on it:
www.sick-humor.com/

The person with a pacman maze tatooed on their ass is hilarious.

"How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
With a blender.
How do you get them out again?
With Doritos. "

I lost my appitite (was eating noodles)
eww ><

If you ever plan to take over the world:

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

The dead babies one was horrible.
I actually threw up a little in my mouth.
Oh, jeez.
I loved the list about the teacher though. :]

My aunt's take on sexuality [direct quote from Aunt Cindy]:
I really try to be open minded.
I have no problem with straight people.
I have no problem with gay people.
But dammit, I have a problem with those bisexuals.
They're just too damn greedy.

Just because I can.........................

What does a white woman and brick have in common?
They can both get layed(laid) by a Mexican

Whats mutilated and makes fizzing noises?
A dead baby in a vat of acid

What did the two little boys do with their pet hamster?
A better question is who's going to clean out the blender?