My Chemical Suicide Story (How MCR Saved My Life)
| Author | Message |
|---|---|
| reckless decadence. Salute You in Your Grave  Age: 31 Gender: Female Posts: 4542 | I know it doesn't have a WHOLE lot to do with MCR, but in the end they saved me.  ) |
| GODZILLA. Salute You in Your Grave  Age: 31 Gender: Female Posts: 2102 | i suppose my story isnt quite as heartbreaking as yours, but i'll share it anyway. i was a tomboy until about 8. i wanted nothing to do with the girlygirls. then i got into girly stuff to fit in. i was miserable for about 4 years, but told myself i wasn't. ilet myself be pushed around and called ugly, fat, a lsut, a whore; you name it, ive been called it. then i discovered a little bit of magic, called the Jesus Of Suburbia. i went on an upward spiral from there. i had binned all my chavvy stuff within the week. the girl that got me into Green Day, Lisa, was my best friend. life was good. then Lisa moved to Japan. i went on a bit of a downward spiral. this is only maybe January. i was miserable again. i was emo, sad, crying alot, and eventually did soethign i serisouly regret. i cut. and i cant believe i did it. at certain times i thought about killing myself. then, another bit of magic came along. a wonderful girl called Laura. She, although not conciously, helped me through everyhting. i suppose i owe it to INO, i met her over here, She lives on he other side of the owrld, and it was the thought of, "on Sunday i can talk to Laura" that got me through the week. and all throuh this process MCR was sprinkling their healing pixie dust all over me. Along with another band, one Avenged Sevenfold. they taought me not to take shit. that you are entitled to life as much as anyone else. MCR taught me that its ok to be fucked up. im not afraid to die. i'd give my life for others. i'd give my life for Laura. im scared of what im capable of. i have nightmares. i scrutinised by peers and parents. but its that thought of a friend who gives a shit that gets me through the week. that makes me scream in the faces of Jocks and Preps. i love you Laura. (no.) |
| stormy Demolition Lover  Age: 37 Gender: Female Posts: 15911 | aw that is so fecking sweet!!! My story isn't as heart warming I guess. Back in 8th grade, so circa 2000/2001. I first really realized I wasn't 'normal' my friends used to talk in hushed tones to me durin classes, making me promise I wouldn't try to kill myself...I did, and than would break it. So one day, my parents were forced to put me in therapy. Didn't help. Nothing seemed to. At the time, I still listened to pop music, I tried to make myself believe that life was great and that I would find the love that they're always singing about. Haven't yet. Somewhere along the way of that time, I discovered burning...and than cutting. For times, I would binge and than, I'd be fine, wouldn't do it. I even stopped for a whole year once... WHen I was 16, going into my junior year of high school, I was almost raped. My parents, willingly, let me see a councelor, it was free and at school so they had no effort there. Soon after she started to see me, I was tested, and sent to the psych hospital in my city for an interview. I started treatment there the following week. It was only partial. I hated it, the staff didn't seem to like me at all. I later found out that they had actually been kind of scared of me b/c of my temper and my ability to manipulate a situation for my own gain. I was discharged around Christmas time... back to school. When my classmates found out, the rumours started again that I was insane, scary, a self mutilator (at that time I had started again), that I had tried to pull a Juliet...etc. Durin summer, I walked out of my meds review, vowing never to see her again and my therapist told me to leave b/c I couldn't pay for her services. Senior year came and I was doing alright, I still saw my rape and abuse councelor, who once again, had me sent to the psych ward. This time was different tho, there were people closer to my age there (I was always one of the oldest people in the Unit), and one in particular, Ben, I really could relate to. We'd talk about bands, he told me about bands I knew of, but had never given a far chance, AFI, THRICE, etc... so I gave them a whirl, I loved it, it fit...made sense. After graduation, I stopped talkin to Ben. After graduation, I plateaued, dipped down and climbed a bit so much, that I narrowly got out of about 6 hospital visits all with the same false promises I made my friends so many years ago. This time, it was a professional, who knew my diagnosi, and they still let me go. Week after week, releasing me to go home to where they know I might hurt myself or someone else even. Durin the summer, I was watching FUSE in the early feckin morning hours and I saw Helena, I sat up on my sister's bed and I watched it, and I think I cried... I got online later on that day, and downloaded every song by them I could find. About two months later, while looking for pictures for me, my sister actually found INO and bein on the site, led me to the boards, I still remember the reason I came on here, a fan fic... "Mikey's REAL Story"... Ever since that, I've had a place to come and talk to people about something that I love, something that has meant so much to me. It's not just My Chemical Romance, their songs and lessons, but all these other bands that they've led to: Avenged Sevenfold being a huge one for me right now, and From First To Last...Story of the Year. My Chem led me to friends, who I'd be so feckin lost without. Emily and Aleica...Jess and Samara ... to name a few. I know they really care about me, they get scared when I'm gone and they get scared when they find out I'm thinking of doing something bad to myself. I spend hours on INO b/c I feel safe and wanted here, it's a distraction from the hellish lives we live. Without My Chem, I'm not sure where I'd be right now or the people and things they've shown and taught me. So to them and all on this site who I've chatted with, laughed with, who write what I read or read what I write, thank you. Thank you so much |
| Bess is Yoda In The Murder Scene  Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 20910 | ^ I never knew about any of that, Stormy. I'm so glad INO helps you so much..I'm glad I've spoken to you and laughed with you and we've got this whole CoS thing going. You're really strong..stronger than you probably know and stronger than me. My problems are nothing compared to yours but I still feel fucked up. I also use INO as an escape. It's like when I'm on here, I'm talking with a bunch of people who are so much like myself, and I never knew there were people like that out there. My Chemical Romance stopped me feeling on my own. Before them, I wouldn't say what I would think about certain things in case people thought I was a freak. I wouldn't stand up to people properly..I was most scared of the people I loved..scared that they would judge me. But MCR gave me confidence to be myself - to like what I like, say what I think, dress how I dress..all of that. Reading everyones stories on here make my problems seem nothing. But I guess that doesn't stop me from getting down. I've never hurt myself, not properly. I have the best parents in the world who are always here for me, it's just I'm scared to talk to them. I haven't told my story as to how MCR saved me..so I will now. I've never been suicidal..actually, thats a lie. I thought about it a few times..but I know I'd never do it. People say that suicide it the cowards way out..well, I was too scared to be a coward. I'm lucky compared to most people, but a lot of the time I'm pretty unhappy. I've never been to school..so I don't have that many friends. I hardly have a social life. I'm 17, and I've never had a boyfriend. I've never even been on a fucking date. I have virtually no self-confidence.. I don't go to college and I don't have a job, and I never did my GCSEs. The tinest of things make me freak out. I get SO angry by the smallest most pointless of things, and I'm easily frustrated. I'm also a very jealous person..I get jealous of more or less everyone. I'm going through the process of getting a brace. I had to have 6 fucking teeth out and I had serious trouble with it. Like SERIOUS trouble. It got me down so much..and my parents are paying for me to go through this because I need straight teeth to boost my confidence. That seems like nothing, and it most cases it is, but I have NO confidence. Also, I have a phobia of throwing up and an OCD of like washing my hands obsessively and I worry about hygine. It's pretty much controled my life since I was 10. I'm always worrying people won't like me. I'm always scared to say "no" to somebody. MCR have helped that a shit-load though.. Late last year, I started to get pretty fucking depressed and thats when I really found MCR properly. Earlier this year, I got even more depressed. So I'm not on drugs, I don't live on the street, I don't have abusive parents..but I was still unhappy. I get to do loads of things most people won't...like I get to go to loads of gigs and my parents will take me. Thats pretty much what I live for...one, two or three gigs a month - it's the only time I really get out of the house. My social-life is pretty much non-existant. When I heard what MCR had to say, it helped me so much. I feel like a better person since they came into my life, and even now when I feel down they manage to pick me up again..it's like they're my hope. And INO too..this helps me escape from stuff as well, talking to all of you guys who share my views and interests and stuff..it's awesome. It scares me when I think about where I would be now if MCR hadn't come into my life when they did..it's scary to think that. I've gone on long enough so I'll shut up now. I love you all xxxxx |
| Vampire_Heart Killjoy  Age: - Gender: Female Posts: 34 | Compared to the other stories here my stories is crap, because I've not been through so much. I mean, if you saw me you'd think, "Why, that girl has all she could wish for. Why is she so fuckin' depressed?" Truth is I don't really know. I just was. I found the joys of cutting. But I had no razor blade. Solution: pins. My parents and my sister fought with me constantly. I'd hear my parents talking about how I'm so selfish and a whole bunch of other shit I didn't want to hear. And then with a new school and everything and not being accepted, it was hard. So I cut, and I cut because it made me feel better. But then, I heard My Chemical Romance and I was all, 'wow'. So I asked my friend to burn Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge (bought it later actually...) and I would listen to them constantly. I felt better when I heard 'em but I never really listened to the lyrics. Then for my birthday I asked for I Bought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love and I actually did listen to the lyrics and I felt better. I learned cutting was not good (as if I didn't know that already) and I heard Gerard when he said the band saved him and I realized, I was being saved too. I realized that there were five other guys, as he said, that are as fucked up as I am. And I felt better. And I stopped cutting for the time being. Months without cutting because everytime I thought about cutting I just put on MCR and I'd feel so much better. Today, however, I broke my clean record. I should have listened to MCR, I know I should have but I'm gonna try again. And I'm gonna try to overcome this and just listen to MCR constantly because if they could save me once, they can continue saving me now. |
| stormy Demolition Lover Age: 37 Gender: Female Posts: 15911 | First off: One thing I've learned from DBT, is just b/c your problems aren't as over whelming as anothers, doesn't mean it's not a big problem for you. It's a problem, it effects your life. In my group, there are women who were raped, beaten, had their children die... I haven't dealt with that. Yeah, I've dealt with a lot of shite, 19, living at home, jobless, little to no social life, it sucks...it's hard for me to find a job b/c of anxiety and dress codes and the hours my parents and I keep. But I have a home, tho sometimes, I might worry that I won't. So I throw myself into things that give me joy b/c I never really know when I won't have the energy or drive to do it (there are times I'm online and I don't want to be, but I am b/c I make myself), or if I'll even have the ability to do them the next day. And for the most part, I'm healthy. Yeah, I have a small list of psychological disorders, and what not, but with the right mixture of treatments and people to help, I and everyone, can do alright. It's hard at times to go on, it's hard to even hold on to a phantom hope. I used to promise myself I wouldn't try to kill myself until after I saw this band or that band in concert. And at times, I'd go back on that promise, my stomach pumps itself easily (a bit too easily at times) so ODing is almost completely out of the question for me now... but right now, b/c of INO, a lot of us have found people to talk to, people who have seen a similiar scenery in life. Right now, I've got Children of Sin to work on. Designs and websites, keeping tabs on what's being made. Things like that. I know people are counting on me to get these things done, at the same time, they're kind enough and smart enough to realize I'm one person and I've got other things going on in my life...but they tell me how much they're looking forward to things, they give feedback and it's nice, being appreciated and needed. Reminded outside of therapy that I do have things that people like and admire, that I do have talent. Just have to find that one small ray of light and grab it, and keep pulling it closer to you and have it kind of unravel the blackout cloth that's around you. ANd it'll get caught and it'll break, and you'll get tired and your hands will hurt, your body will feel like it's burning...and new layers of blackout cloth will go up... but slowly, progress will be made and sometimes, others will come in and pull down chunks at a time... be it a friend or a family member, a band, a song, a show, a movie... a piece of artwork, a pet... the trick is to spot those kinds of things. And know that sometimes, what works for some, won't work for you. When my friends are upset, I offer them songs I use when I'm upset, and sometimes, they react and attached to the song and others, they don't. But we keep trying, because, even though the darkness in comforting and safe and it's what you know (at least it's what I know)... I guess you can't stay there... none of us should. |
| M the dinosaur Bulletproof Heart  Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 28948 | stormy me lub lubs you *huggles* |
| Bess is Yoda In The Murder Scene Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 20910 | Stormy, you're so right. I think the very vast majority of us on INO have some 'issues'. But I think it's good that there's threads like this where we can all say all this stuff. I'll be honest, when I told 'my story' on the previous page, I'd never told anyone that before. Not a soul. Nobody in the world knows how depressed I've been..people have had hints, but not properly known. Bottom line is, I felt like I could tell people on here all that stuff that I can't even tell my family or my best friends, because I feel like I can relate to most, if not all of you in some way. That's so important to me. Right now, I'm pretty unhappy. On the outside it just seems like a minor thing to be bummed about - my parents not letting me go camping for a weekend in August at the Leeds Festival. That's not the bottom line of it - the bottom line is that they don't want me to go because they think all my little 'issues' will stop me from coping. They think I won't be able to handle living in a tent for 3 days, with no proper shower or toilet. I have an issue with the whole hygine thing, but I want to confront it. Hearing my parents say they don't think I can deal with it really knocks me down - I wanted their support and this is something I really want to do. But meh..coming on here makes me feel a heap better. |
| XO Killjoy  Age: - Gender: - Posts: 4 | Wow. I completly agree. My story goes like this.. I was at home and I was really struggling. I have OCD and I didnt know about it. My dad also has a brain tumour and I blamed myself because of my mental illness. I was walking home (in the rain) and I just went upstairs and sat next to the radiator...I didnt want to be seen. I looked at the ceiling and just thought to mysefl "if this is how life is going to be...I dont want to live anymore". From then on I planned to overdose on paracetomol. I was in so much pain...I felt safest when I was asleep so I might aswell put myself to sleep forever...anyways I went downstairs and went on the computer. I was watching some music vids and I saw the name My Chemical Romance. I thought it was a really cool band name so checked them out. I lisetned to Im Not Okay and then I suddenly felt...ok. I just felt complete. ANd right. I listened to it like 1000 times that night. And I felt better. Bought their album and felt so understood. |
| [MCR]-FrankieWright-[MCR] Killjoy Age: - Gender: - Posts: 60 | when i was eight my grandfather died and my only grandparents were my two grandmothers (my other grandfather died from alchohol abuse before i got to know him properly). then i got eczema ( i kno wot ur thinkin, 'whats so bad bout that?') but it got so bad that i couldnt move my arms and i got psycological damage aswel. Then when i was just getting over all that my grandmother died while in hospital where she caught MRSA. Then after all the stress of that the excema came back and i stil have it now. But anyway, i got really depressed and i stopped going out and eventually i was screaming at my teachers and losing all my friends. Then I started listening to green day and that helped a bit. But i was still depressed and my confidence weakened more and more with each day that passed. Eventually, i got through primary school and i was starting high school. on the first day there i met this girl alison. we just clicked straight away and we were best friends ever since that. we would spend every spare moment together just like best friends should. then my grades dropped and i started getting into a lot of crap in school. i got sent to guidance meetings and i was falling out with my parents all the time. that got to the point where i packed a bag and stayed a night at my friend's house after pleading for her mother not to call my mom. gradually, my depression worsened and i got suicidal. i started cutting nearly every night just to drain the pressure from my heart. as best friends do, me and alison told eachother everything, so i had to tell her. She just ignored me and didnt speak to me for the rest pf that week. I kept asking her what was wrong with her but she just made up excuses. then i got sent to a depression councillor in school and somebody passed the word around that i was going. when alison found out it was like something inside of her just broke down and she was totally different from then on. Eventually she just turned round and sed to me 'i dont want to be part of your life incase you do something stupid'. F*ck her i thought, but then it dawned on me that everything was gone, my whole life was shattered right there at that minute. I felt so sick inside of me and the first thing i did was run home and cut all up my arm, the blood draining slowly from my skin. I have never spoken to her since that and i had to build up a new life but it was hard. but i'd never have done it without my chem and gerard. they saved my life and im pretty sure i wouldnt be here today if it werent for them |
| M the dinosaur Bulletproof Heart Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 28948 | i know a girl that was diagnosed with un treatable brain cancer when she was my age shes 19 now and everytime i see her shes worse...she cant even talk or move properly anymore... last time i saw her (about 2-3 days ago) she was in a wheel chair...she was so skinny ... her face was all sucked in its really sad i know this isnt my problem ... and it isnt really how mcr saved my life but its still sad... and i needed to tell someone because since i saw her ive been going off at my mum and being a real bitch because i think if i feel anything but angry it'll be sadness and i hate feeling sad... hmm on another note... mcr saved me from turning into a complete prep... i suppose thats as bad as suicide HAHA ... oh i crack myself up |
| ~*salene*~ Bleeding on the Floor  Age: 30 Gender: Female Posts: 1220 | my parents split up about 2 years ago. Me and my brothers were realy close and my parent split us up too. Now we hardly see eachother and i wouldnt have made it if it wasnt for them and there song lady of sorrows. now i listin to them every day, every single day |
| M the dinosaur Bulletproof Heart Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 28948 | parents splitting up sucks balls ^ |
| stormy Demolition Lover Age: 37 Gender: Female Posts: 15911 | My parents aren't split up... but as often as they fight and threaten it... they should be. If I had a dollar for every time my parents said the word: Divorce pretaining to them... I wouldn't live at home. I found out last week my actual diagnosi ... I hit the roof with them. Went to therapy yesterday and had a minor screaming match with my therapist and found out that I had to be reevaled...I haven't been properly evaled since I was 16. I'll be 20 in August. She told me that one of them, Histrionic, shouldn't be on there...but she said a few that should be...and by a few: I mean 3 others that she, for sure, is putting on there. It sucks. I used to think it was just depression and anxiety. I could deal with that. Than they started to label all of these other things that I knew were wrong with me and didn't always fit the depression/anxiety labels. And I'm glad to know what's wrong so I can learn about it and how to fix it... but I just wish they'd stop coming at me with them. I might have to start going to a new hospital for treatment b/c where I go now, doesn't deal with that kind of issue... just means I'll add another professional or two to my list of ones I've seen in my life. The last time I listed the majour ones, I had about 25 on there... not bad for being in and out for 7 years huh??? |
| M the dinosaur Bulletproof Heart Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 28948 | im thinking you could win an award? no? OOOO go in the book of records!!!!!! duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude |
| stormy Demolition Lover Age: 37 Gender: Female Posts: 15911 | i like popsicles: Emily, one day, I'll make a list of all the people I've worked with since I was 13 and send you it and you will see how long it is. I'll even put the dates I saw them at... I'm purdy sure I can do it. I can tell you where I got it and how much everything my closet is worth when I got it. My sister told me today that My Chem mixed with Evanescence has been helping her deal with her resurgeness of depression. When she's really upset, she turns on her my chem CD, and she lays in bed, closes her eyes and tries to remember the concert and the times we had while we were in Minneapolis for it, (Minus the mall the night we got there, that girl was a feckin teenie bitch!!!) and it helps her. So My Chem has helped Siana too. And Ky loves them...and my neices do too... and my mom is thankful for them (she can name them too, point to them and get their names and instrument right, it's funny). It's kinda kewl and yet, kind of sad that they might never know what they've done for me and thousands of others. |
| GothPrincess Killjoy Age: 31 Gender: Female Posts: 3 | NO NO NO! i dont want my thing saying emo kid! |
| M the dinosaur Bulletproof Heart Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 28948 | ooo really? ill be waiting for that list  i could make you a list to but i dont know how much everything in my closet is woth.. i know my most expensive items... and the things that would be expensive but i got them for cheep and i dont have a list of people ive seen cuz i havnt seen anyone but ill try just for you |
| reckless decadence. Salute You in Your Grave Age: 31 Gender: Female Posts: 4542 | stormy: I wrote them a letter except I haven't sent it yet......... |
| reckless decadence. Salute You in Your Grave Age: 31 Gender: Female Posts: 4542 | GothPrincess: ummmmm you shouldn't be here..... and it's just a rank, it goes up when you post |
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