My Chemical Suicide Story (How MCR Saved My Life)

you guys have all been really brave so now its my turn


since i was in primary school i knew that i never fitted it. i was bullied all through my primary school years and when i went into high school i fought it was all gonna change. in year seven i got to know quite a few people and i cant achully remember alot about my first few years in primary school.
when i got into year 9 thats when everything got worse. my parents were constaintly arguing when my mother started fighting and hitting me and my sister was when i really started getting depressed. i started to act out alot in school and that just got people against me. people started to call me and then bulling just got worse and worse i used to get into fights on school busses or in class and i just felt like the world was out to get me. about half way through year 9 i just lost control of everything and i started self-harming.
when i went on holiday with my family my nan was ill and when i was told she had cancer all i wanted to do was just leave. my nan was probliy the person i was most closest in my life i would tell her everything and she would never get mad at me.
when she died i was feeling sucidal. my parents found out about me cutting and i had to see a socail worker for councling which didnt work.
after about a year i was cinstantly thinking about different ways to kill myself. people at my school were constantly turning on me and after i told one of my friends about what was happening she went and blabbed it around the school and people were useing it as a way to get at me.
then one day about a year ago i was just rooting through my sisters cds when i found the three cheers for sweet revenge cd i don't know why but it caught my eye. i went and listened to it and i was amazed by every song. i felt like i wasnt the only person who had been through shit in there lifes. it really helped. i went out and bought i brought you my bullets you brought me your love and i started to feel better. i was feeling less depressed and i realised that they had saved my life. i can relate to all of mcr songs and everytime i would listen to them i would feel like it was the only thing that mattered.

back i grade 5 (im in 6 now) in math class i cut myself, just tiny cuts, on my hand.

i had to see the guidance counsellor. she said something that i will remember forever

"Suicide is a pernament answer to a temporary problem"

that remains with me.

a little later through the year i heard of mcr

Ghost of you was my first song and i loved it.
when i heard Headfirst For Halos i thought "whoa this guy knows how i feel! damn im not alone!"

i listen to that song whenever im down.

im also a libra and it kills me inside everytime some one i care about gets in a fight. My mom and dad fought a lot before my dad killed himself when i was 5. wow 5 is an unlucky number for me. one time i believe i yelled STOP or atleast i wanted to. and another time my mom got in a fight with a guy she knew named ronnie. i jumped in between them and he pushed me away. lately my mom got in a fight with her friend for 6 years and i locked myself in my room and cried. i'll have to live with that fighting is a part of life and i lived it.

Today my mom pissed me off a lot. She keeps yelling and telling me to clean my room. Now, most of you wouldn't go as nuts as I did, but my brother commited suicide last year and ever since then it has screwed me up- BIG TIME. When I get mad at someone, I start getting mad as hell at him because of what he did to me and my family. So anyway, I was ready to kill myself this afternoon. I don't really know why. But I just got SO sick of hearing my mom yell and I just wanted to get out of there. So I went up to my room, locked the door, and put in Bullets. I decided to put in Bullets since it's darker than Revenge. So I put on Honey and I got my anger out. Then I put on Monroeville and I cried a little because that song is just beautiful and I can relate to the lyrics (as I can most MCR songs). I felt the same way I did today last summer, when my parents fought EVERY FUCKING DAY and my dad was depressed from his son's suicide. I REALLY wanted to kill myself last summer but I had enough sense to realize that it wouldnt make anything better. My dad would've probably killed himself if I killed myself. Without MCR, I wouldnt make it through any of this. The only good thing that came out of the events today is that I wrote a song when I was up in my room. The lyrics just poured out. Here they are:

"You make me want to kill myself
Sometimes I want to kill you
Even though you're already dead
I let the music pour through me
Like the rain pours into the rivers and the streams
One bad thought leads to 1000 worse ones
1000 bad thoughts lead to a million bad emotions
And those emotions take over me
And turn me into a monster
All of this brings out the REAL me
The person that hides beneath a happy face
Every. FUCKING. Day.
Sometimes I feel possessed by you
Your ghost takes over me
And makes me evil, something I don't want to be
Right now I need an angel to take me away
To a better place
A place as far away from here as possible
A place where I can be free.
Happy.
Alone.
With no worries, with no restrictions.
No family.
No anyone.
Just me.
And in that place I would destroy the me that I hate- the me I am right now.
The evil me.
The me that I am down inside.
And there would be no one left but me- the simple, happy me.
The me that I was before that terrible day
The day that changed our lives forever.
The day that created the new me - the me I despise.
The me that comes out when I think about what you did to all our lives.
And if I could get rid of the evil me for just one day, that would be the day that I would be finally free."

It's not done yet, but that's what I got.

XxThePatientxX:

Today my mom pissed me off a lot. She keeps yelling and telling me to clean my room. Now, most of you wouldn't go as nuts as I did, but my brother commited suicide last year and ever since then it has screwed me up- BIG TIME. When I get mad at someone, I start getting mad as hell at him because of what he did to me and my family. So anyway, I was ready to kill myself this afternoon. I don't really know why. But I just got SO sick of hearing my mom yell and I just wanted to get out of there. So I went up to my room, locked the door, and put in Bullets. I decided to put in Bullets since it's darker than Revenge. So I put on Honey and I got my anger out. Then I put on Monroeville and I cried a little because that song is just beautiful and I can relate to the lyrics (as I can most MCR songs). I felt the same way I did today last summer, when my parents fought EVERY FUCKING DAY and my dad was depressed from his son's suicide. I REALLY wanted to kill myself last summer but I had enough sense to realize that it wouldnt make anything better. My dad would've probably killed himself if I killed myself. Without MCR, I wouldnt make it through any of this. The only good thing that came out of the events today is that I wrote a song when I was up in my room. The lyrics just poured out. Here they are:

"You make me want to kill myself
Sometimes I want to kill you
Even though you're already dead
I let the music pour through me
Like the rain pours into the rivers and the streams
One bad thought leads to 1000 worse ones
1000 bad thoughts lead to a million bad emotions
And those emotions take over me
And turn me into a monster
All of this brings out the REAL me
The person that hides beneath a happy face
Every. FUCKING. Day.
Sometimes I feel possessed by you
Your ghost takes over me
And makes me evil, something I don't want to be
Right now I need an angel to take me away
To a better place
A place as far away from here as possible
A place where I can be free.
Happy.
Alone.
With no worries, with no restrictions.
No family.
No anyone.
Just me.
And in that place I would destroy the me that I hate- the me I am right now.
The evil me.
The me that I am down inside.
And there would be no one left but me- the simple, happy me.
The me that I was before that terrible day
The day that changed our lives forever.
The day that created the new me - the me I despise.
The me that comes out whenever I think about you and what you did to us, to me, to everyone.
And if I could get rid of the evil me for just one day, that would be the day that I would be finally free."

It's not done yet, but that's what I got.

This might sound dumb, but I do mean it: That song lyric your writing is Soooo touching and I'm almost crying now. Thank you for sharing that It's really deep.

It doesn't sound dumb. Thank you SO much; that means a lot to me. That's what I wanna do with my life; make music that helps or touches people. I can't imagine a better job than that.

-X-Alex-X-The-X-Ripper-X-:

Ok...

I was really in the pit of depression. I tried to commit suicide many times, and I really always failed. My friend was trying to help me, but it was really no use.

I cut and the past was really eating away at me.

My parents divorced when I was really little and when they would try to get it to work out, it would all just fall apart...

They would argue and fight alot...

I remember...just sitting on my bed, crying my eyes out, praying to god that everything would turn out ok.

I had to stay with my grandmother a lot, becasue my dad would work usally every night, and her house was compleat hell.

She was a foster mother.

I don't know who was on crack to let her take the job, but she had it.

All the kids were misrible...

Every day just seemed like a dismil day with her...

My dad slept a lot when he was home, so I mostly just played with myself when I was home...

My mom yelled at me a lot...

I always fought to keep my parents together...

It was just hell

And at school I was an outcast, and I didn't have any friend...well the friends I did have used me...

My parents are married now though

They got married in 04.

But still, they exspect me to just drop everything I had to work hard to make peace with...


I first discovered the music in Sept. of 05 and I fell in love with it.

The music really helped me get through the day, but didn't really cure the sickness...

It wasn't untill I watched LOTMS that I knew I was saved.

When Gerard said "when it gets to be an escape ruite, that's when it's bad. When it's like 'oh, if things go wrong, i'll just do this and everything will be fine'." I was just shocked.

I remember thinking "SHIT THAT'S ME!"

But he never directly said it, but he taught me how to live life. How to hold your head up and just get through the bad times with a smile on your face.

He's a great man who went through a lot of shit in his life, but still retained a good personality and a kind heart.

Without him, I have no clue where I would be today...

probally dead...

And I really have to thank all of them

Frank, Mikey, Bob, and Ray really did a lot too.

They always cheer me up, and have worked hard to make the music that lured me in in the first place...

I coule never thank any of them enough...

AMEN.

only a few years back when i moved to my brothers school i was having the shit bullied out of me by my brothers mates, i know people have bigger problems but it really hurts and what hurt me the most is that my brothers would stand there not saying anything and when i got back from school they would either be in my house or standing at the door talking with my brother so i felt like i couldn't get away unless i locked myself in my room on my own i remeber thinking "shit im so lonely" which was so not true because i had all my mates around me but i kept rowing with my mum dad and brothers which depressed me a lot and once i was listening to green days 'time of your life' right after a massive argument and my bro came in and sed "wow u listen to stuff that makes you want to slit your wrists!" and i was just like why not! so later on i grabbed my bros razor and cut my legs and my arms a little bit and i thought this isnt helping! i almost felt like going all the way one time thinking life would be better for everyone if i wasnt around anymore but since i started listening to MCR and still listening to GD i think of all the problems they and other people have had and all these things happening around the world and its like im just being ridiculous! so i didnt cut myself anymore and things have got better like i've left school now and go to a college FAR away from them i've started getting along with my mum and dad and its like MCR is the reason that i didnt go all the way and commit suicide and im so grateful cos i do have a good laugh with my mum and i can talk to my dad aswell and obviously i still argue with my bros but thats just sibling rivalry, so its really down to them (and GD and other bands too) that ive had all the good times now looking back im just thinking "I was such an idiot!" i mean right now my sister just had another baby on saturday and the night she was born i actually prayed for only like the 2nd or 3rd time in my life just thanking god that he gave me the strength to come around and that i was there for my neices birth which was beautiful to me. so id just like to say to MCR thank you cos theres not much word that can describe how it feels to be free again.

Wow, this is all amazing. You guys have been through so much, and it pains me to here some of your stories. I believe what stormy said was true, you need to find that one thing that fills you with utter joy, and hold on to it, as long as you can. My story isn't as heartbreakingly amazing as you guys, but here it is:

My mom and dad divorced when I was young, around 6 or 7, and every time, I thought that it was my fault, all the time. I knew that I was an outcast, even in grade school. Hey, I liked tv shows that dealed with magic and the supernatural, not to mention that I live in Kentucky, so that just adds to the fact that I'm weird. Well, I've always been tall, like taller than a normal 15 almost 16 year old girl should be, and due to my tallness, I was picked on A LOT in 6th grade. I was miserable, that is until I met my friend Kalah. She was like my total twin, and we were practically inseperable

Until she moved to Northern Kentucky summer of 7th grade.

This reall tore me apart. I remember the day she told me. I was in my house, and the phone rang, and it was her. We just talked on the phone, and cried for almost 2 hours. It was hell for me, especially when I entered 8th grade, cause she wasn't there. Other than her moving, 7th really wasn't that all bad for me. Then in 8th grade, I really started to listen to the three main bands that still surround my life today: AFI, MCR, and Evanescence. I remember the very first time I saw MCR. I was sitting on my couch in my living room, sometime in Janurary of 04, I think. At that time, I was addicted to FUSE, and I still am today. That's when I'm Not Okay came on. I saw the name My Chemical Romance, and smiled, thinking, "what an awesome name for a band" after the video, I had the biggest smile on my face. It was like I had found a band that really knew what the hell I was trying to say. I got my frustrations out when I listened to them, and I remeber the day I got Revenge: 4/09/05. Gerard's birthday. Though I didn't know until later on that day that it was his birthday. I will always remember that day, the day that my life did a complete 360, and everything was better. Until about 9th grade. I was diagnosed with Marfans Syndrome December of 9th grade. I was terrified. Marfans is a connective tissue disorder. Basically, my joints are really stretchy, and I am in pain constantly. Right now, it's not that bad, but it got so bad, that I'd come home from school, and just cry. My mom thought that I was depressed, so she sent me to see a psychiatrist (sp?) THAT was truly the day that my life did yet another 360. I only had 4 sessions with my doctor, and each time, I got tremendously better. I would leave with this big smile on my face, and a feeling of true self love that I had been looking for for so long. Then, I just stopped caring what people thought of me. If they thought I was a freak for being tall, so what? If they thought that I was a freak cause of the people that I hung out with, so what? I just stopped caring. I'm always trying to look on the brighter side of things. When someone says something to me, I just shrug it off, cause I know that they are insecure, cause they have to insult people to make themselves feel better. And now, I live by this rule: They're are so many people that would kill to see me fall, and I won't DARE let them. I won't give them the pleasure of knowing that they get to me. And now, as I sit at my comp, "Sleep" playing, I can't help but to smile at the progress I've made. I'm so proud of myself. I have MCR to thank. If it wasn't for them, and their courageous story, I don't know where I'd be.

i have bipolar depression, and attempted suicide at fourteen after a lot of things that went on around that time, and a history of self harm. i'm not totally better, but i'm doing okay now. i get highs and lows a lot, and music has helped me through my lows. including my chemical romance. i read in an interview recently with gerard, his view is 'rock stars should give people hope'. which i think is very true. their songs give out a positive message (generally!) and if they help anyone, which they obviously have just from this post, they're doing some good in the world. and not forgetting the fact that i just love listening to them!! =D

Lets put it this way. My aunt has cancer, I only live with my mom and she has cancer. All my friends are fucked up now due to drugs theres alot more but I don't want to go though detail but I dont think they saved my life, I dont want to kill myself or do self harm but they did help me thoughout my life.

In a hail of bullets:

my story is kinda shitty and not very long but,
at the begining of the school year (I'm in 7th)
I was trying to fit in, you know talk what people wanna hear and crap like that.
well when one of my close friends told me about MCR I bought the CD.
I listened to it and I did too hear their story.
When I got to "I'm Not Okay" and heard that story,
I changed how I was gonna be this year. I changed my clothes additude towards things. I started to dress sorta punk/goth/emo stuff you know? Before I didn't quite like myself but now I do because I know I can be myself and still liked. I mean I have the same friends since 3 grade (one still since kindergarden) and a few new ones who don't even dress like me nad still love me! Also MCR changed my life into listening to the music I LIKE AN NOT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE LIKE. I use to please my older brother by listening to what he likes, screw that! I listen to what I want and my life is a hell of alot bettr now

Yeah, that's how I was last year (6th grade). I had this one friend who basically told me what music to like(ghetto rap, mainstream), what to wear(abercrombie, hollister), and she would give me a weird look that I hated everytime I said somthing 'weird'. After that year, she transferred to a public school, and wanted me to come too(I wasn't allowed to). One night on summer break, my other friend slept over and she showed me the videos for "Helena" and "Ghost of You". I didn't really like them at first, but I bought Helena off iTunes 2 days later. I realized how stupid I was following my friend like that, and MCR helped me get through the first few weeks. They saved me from being a robot, and I'm DEFINATELY happy for that!

wow..its amazing to see how many people have been affected by MCR's music.....its weird to think that all of other music out there is just a beat and some words that dont really mean anything!....

ive never been suicidal but i used to get bulied in year 7.. i was very shy and never stood up for myself, and the girls that i hung around with wud pick on me, leave me out...anything they told me to do i wud do..i didnt no better...i wud fake being ill..i used to rub my forhead with my bed sheets so i wud hav a hot head and make my mum think that i had a high temperature...in bout year 10 i was still wiv these girls, the thing that messed me up was wen one of the girls wud bring me to her house, and she wud be soo nice to me we wud to everything together...then wen at school i was isolated, i used to hav a packed lunch, and the other girls wud hav canteen meal..so i wud hav to sit in the canteen tryin to hide my lunch box, they wud nick some of my food, i got quite depressed.

then one day the girl sed hey do u wanna cum to the hall wiv us (where u eat packed lunch) i sed no thanks, i knew that the other girls wudnt like it.....then i sed....what the hell, yes, and i went to the hall everday and hung aroung wiv them. they gave me my confidence....but they werent into the music that i liked, and i thought that i had to be like them, for them to like me..i didnt mention that i was into rock music...i liked green day at this point, i just agreed with wot they sed.

anyway i was introducted to MCR wen i saw the Video to Helena...i thought wow great song, but i didnt tell my friends....i knew people who liked the music i liked, but never talked to them, i didnt look like i was into that music...i didnt wear black chlothes, or makeup, or have any personality. i finally brought the ablum three cheers, and did my research of the band to find a bit about them, i was amazed to hear their story! they'ev been through soom tuff times....knowing that they have havent had a perfect life, and see them turn their lives around..helps others...the thing that MCR gave me was individuality.. i thought hey i dont care if people dont like the music i like, i think most people think MCR are just really dark, yea their lyrics are dark, but do the reseach and there is a hidden messgae, and i think thats wot some people dont get!! every time i listen to thery music i feel powerful, and i can wear what i want, be friends with who i want, even if i dont look like the other MCR fans ive seen, and they have gievn me a sence of freedom, and i wud still be the shy girl, who secreatly likes MCR, im very proud to play their music, even if my friends done agree!!


sorry if it was a long story, i feel so much better now!

all of you are amazing people to have the courage to open up about ur past ......MCR wud be very proud!!

hey i totally understand what you mean like just at the eny of 2003 i really wanted to die ,i had just lost my nan to throte cancer and it totally destroyed me i just blocked everything out ,she was my best friend and then 2 mointhes after my nan died my grandad went over to thiland and slept with prostituts. this totally brok me , how could someone do that to someone they loved ? so i stole ciggaretts or him and that made me feel a littel bit better , but worst of all after he had slept with them he came back and told us what he did ,he was over there when the sunamie happend and i wish he died in it ! sorry but i do

I'm sooo gald i found this thread. i need to get this out. i first saw mcr in the not okay video when it came out. i loved it, but in my household, i knew that i shouldn't be listening to that type of music. see i live in a suburban area, my brother gets straight a's so i have to as well. a lot ha always been expected of me, and went along with it, being the perfect little girl for years. but really, i am and have always been a slightly off-center fucked up sob. i pushed mcr under the carpet and went on playing my role. earlier this year i moved out of my house to work for a girl in NJ, trying to get a jump start on my career ( i was only 17 when i left though). she turned out to be a psychobitch and i had to live through 3 solid months of the worst hell of my life. when i finally came home, i had changed a lot. i knew that my original "life plan" was not going to work, and i had little back up. everything my life had been about for the past 10 years was falling apart. not to mention my father and i were not getting along well. i became severely depressed, and once again, we don't talk about things like that in my house, so i've been fighting it alone ever since. i started to become sucidal, having no one to turn to. it was just little things. driving home from work, i'd pass a truck in the opposite lane thinking what if i just turn the wheel a little bit. i could end it all. i happened to be sitting at home one morning and turned on the tv to thw WTTBP video. i nearly fell of the chair. i got online and looked up anything i could. i went out and bought the album on the 24th, and it hasn't left my side since. there's so much in the lyrics that reminded me of my situation. and that strong pressing voice screaming hope. it's become a slight obsession. i decided to go back to school for what i really wanted to do, and i am almost over my depression i feel. the album actually started to make me more depressed for a while, but in a good way. it forced me to look at myself long and hard and say "what the hell are you doing with yourself" when i realized what was going on, i was able to begin to fix it. so thank you MCR.

^That's awesome These guys are truly amazing. I know what you mean to about how the album made you more depressed, but in a good way..I remember the night of 10-24-06 when I was listening to it-I felt kind of depressed and I didn't know why. But it was a good feeling you know? Like, I always feel like when i'm fucking up, they will tell me what's right and what I should do. I've never felt so passionate about a band in my life. I love these guys to death.

Man, My story, wow, ive told people it before, who didnt understand my obsesison with them, and they totally felt why i loved them so much.
eveyrthing eas fucked up, I had jsut come out about being Bi, aand everyone shunned me for it, I was completely confused about everything life had, and, i didnt wanna deal anymore, so I decided, i was gonna kill myself ( understand loves, this happend when i was baout 12 years old). The day I decided i was gonna go through with it, i had put my WMP on shuffle with a disk a friend made i never listened to before, and right before I ended it all, Head-first for halos began to play, the first MCR song i had ever heard. By the end i was up dancing and screaming with the song, feeling more alive than ever.

awesome..so glad you didn't do it. these are the things some people don't understand, and why we are so passionate about a few punks from NJ. they truly do save lives.

Well, it was around last year when I discovered Green Day or should I say music. Because music was never part of my life at all. All those time, my life only revolves around my studies, and the tv. I don't really know anything about music. I don't listen to it. I was completely clueless. Then, I moved and started listening to the radio and got hooked onto Green Day thinking they were my life. Everything was about them. Then, came one of the craziest thing I did in life. I had my first boyfriend. And both of us were really hooked onto Green Day and stuff. We had a band and then of course something happened. It didn't last. And the only albums I have are all Green Day stuff. Everything reminded me of him and I couldn't take it. The relationship was horrid. My studies went downhill to the pits, my parents didn't know about the relationship. I had to lie and sneak around their back. It was risky. So, it came to the extent where I just don't talk to them anymore and me and my old friends were kinda off as well. I felt so lost. I couldnt' write anymore (which is my sole dream). I couldn't do anything. I had panic attacks and thought of suicide. Then, one day I was listening to the radio and heard Helena. Then, it struck me as strange how I never really bothered to go check on this five guys when all along I have like their video and music. So, I did some research and my friend gave me Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge. And from there, it totally changed. I learned so many from the album. I found my inspiration again, mended the relationship with my friends and my mum. My dad is a bit hard to get through. And now here I am. Still living.

Well, I was 10. I was expected to be "the perfect child." And I wasn't. By then, I had no friends because I trusted no one because people (ex-friends) kept coming. In other words, every time I made new friends, they would leave me sooner or later after they gained all my trust, life and everything. I became suicidal. My parents always argued and I hated them. Then one day, I was looking through a mag. and I saw these guys that wore Makeup. I was like, "Wow. These guys might be good." So I did reserch and I bought, Bullets. I was amazed. I herd Three Cheers was coming out soon so I got it a.s.p. I was in a trance. It was all about murder, revenge, suicidalness, pills, deppression. Everything I had been through. Now my suicidalness is getting better because I know how Gerard overcame it. My life is in the hands and owed to the guys of MCR. I wouldn't be here without them, believe me....